#742: Tony Robbins and Jerry Colonna

0:00 This episode is brought to you by Element, spelled L M N T. What on earth is Element? It is a delicious sugar free electrolyte drink mix. I've stocked up on boxes and boxes of this. It was one of the first things that I bought when I saw COVID coming down the pike. And I usually use one to two per day. Element is formulated to help anyone. With their electrolyte needs and perfectly suit to folks following a keto, low carb, or paleo diet. Or if you drink a ton of water and you might not have the right balance, That's often when I drink it, or if you're doing any type of endurance exercise, mountain biking, et cetera, another application. If you've ever struggled to feel good on keto, low carb, or paleo, it's most likely because even if you're consciously consuming electrolytes,

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4:18 Europe and Australia. Optimal minimal. At this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking. So another personal question. No, it is seen. cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal metal skeleton.

4:39 No Hello, boys and girls, ladies and germs, this is Tim Ferris. Welcome to another episode of the Tim Ferris Show, where it is my job to sit down with world class performers. From every field imaginable to tease out the habits. routines, favorite books, and so on that you can apply. and test in your own lives.

5:01 This episode is a two for one, and that's because the podcast recently hit its tenth year anniversary, which is insane to think about. And past one billion downloads. To celebrate. I've curated some of the best of the best, some of my favorites. From more than seven hundred episodes over the last decade.

5:19 I could not be more excited. To give you these super combo episodes, and internally we've been calling these. The Super Combo episodes. Because my goal is to encourage you to, yes, enjoy the household names, the super famous folks. But to also introduce you to lesser known people I consider

5:35 Stars. These are people who have transformed my life and I feel like they can do the same for many of you. Perhaps They got lost in a busy news cycle, perhaps you missed an episode. Just trust me on this one, we went to great pains to put these pairings together.

5:51 And for the bios of all guests. You can find that and more at Tim.blog slash combo. And now, without further ado Please enjoy.

6:01 And thank you. For listening. First up Tony Robbins Entrepreneur.

6:07 Philanthropist? and the nation's number one life and business strategist. And the number one New York Times bestselling author of Money. Master the game.

6:17 Life Force. And Awaken the giant within. You can find Tony on Twitter and Instagram At Tony Robbins.

6:27 Looking at the longevity of your career, the scope and scale of the Tony Robbins empire, so to speak. Your endurance has really impressed me. And so I'm I'm wondering after These decades. What are your some of your daily routines? My regimen is I start with something too strengthen and jolt my nervous system every freaking day. I well sometimes ease into it. I'll go in the hot pools and I'm fortunate to have multiple homes. My home in Sun Valley have natural hot pools that come out of the ground just steaming hot and I go in the hot pools and then I go there in the river. Here I go in a fifty seven degree plunge pool that I have and I have every home I have every single immediately upon waking up waking up.

7:04 Because it's just like boom, every cell in the body wakes up. And it's also just like training my nervous system to rock that there is no, I don't give a shit how you feel. This is how you perform, but this is what you do. Even when I'm taking vacation, I do it. It's just I don't know. Now I like it. I like that. Simple discipline that reminds me. the level of strength and intensity that's available any moment, even if I'm relaxing, I can bring that up at will. It's my one. Uh I also have a cryotherapy unit in all my home. Sorry, have you tried cryotherapy? I haven't. You know what it is? Uh maybe you could

7:35 Wait a minute. I can I can put the two words together and probably guess with all that you do, you're gonna love this. I'm surprised I'm I'm glad I'm teaching Tim Ferriss something for the first time. Ice math suck ice math suck, trust me. I'm on stage on a weekend, I do my unleash unleashed power them program three days. It's fifty hours. Yeah. You've never been to an event. I would love to. But I mean to give you an idea, people won't sit for a three hour movie that somebody spent three hundred million dollars on and I got like Usher or Oprah going, uh, you know, Tony, I love you, but two hours mostly gonna do it. 12 hours later, Oprah's standing on a chair going, this is the most incredible experience of my life on camera. And Usher's like, dude, I'm in for all three days. But for me, one of those days alone I'm I I wear a dometer and I'm fit that's Twenty six and a half miles on average. Wow. We start at eight thirty in the morning. I finish at one thirty or two. There's one one hour break.

8:24 People can vote with their feet, no one leaves. You know, there's On average, 20 minutes of just crazy ass standing ovations music stuff that happens at the end because people are just it's like a rock concert. It's so much fun. But The wear and tear of doing

8:39 No, basically marathon after marathon after marathon on the weekend, back to back. It's pretty intense. And so over the years, it's like the inflammation in my body, the demands, I've had to do everything I can to reduce it. Nothing has come close to cryotherapy. Cryotherapy was developed in Poland and Eastern Germany. and the eastern bloc countries and what it does is it uses nitrogen so there's no water. And unlike an ice bath, what you're doing, you're gonna get spasms and you don't gotta do them still, right? If you're a boxer, you're a runner, you're an athlete. Which is what I would do before. He did them.

9:06 None of that process, but it reduces your body temperature to minus two twenty Fahrenheit. And you do it three minutes. And it's mind boggling. In fact. I have one here and I'll throw you in at the end if you want. I would love to. I have a unit here, I'll do it for you. But what it does is and I do it about three times a week usually.

9:23 When I come back from an event, I do it, you know, a couple days in a row. And what it does is it takes all the inflammation out of your body and you know what inflammation does to every aspect of the body in the breakdown. But it also it sends emergency signals to your brain. It's like resetting your neurological system. Cause your brain going, You're gonna freeze to death. Sounds horrific. It really isn't. You'll find out it's not that painful. Going in my cold plunge. 57 degrees feels more jolting. Than this does, even though it's colder, because you know, the fluid of water versus the nitrogen right is different. Right. The connectivity. The connectivity, exactly. Right. But what happens is your nervous system gets a signal. So it's like everything in your body connects because it's like emergency. It's a reset of your nervous system. You get an explosion of endorphins in your body, which is really cool. So you get this natural high. You feel this physiological transformation and you get the reduction of inflammation. What it was used for originally is for people with arthritis. And I found my first one because my mother in law was me calling up and she was just crying in pain and no medication was enough for her. And I hate something medicated anyway. And so I started doing all this research and it just started to come to the US and now Bail A Lakers, most football teams, that it's it's spreading like wildfire amongst the sports teams. And so that's where it took off. So

10:30 I went and got her one and I mean it took her I think three sessions and she's out of pain and now there's another day she's in pain. Now most people can't afford to go buy a unit, but there are local places now that are popping up all over the United States where athletes go, where people go, where people go for rejuvenation. It's amazing for the skin. But it's one of the great things, I got it for her, I got it for me, and then now I'm addicted. But other than that, I don't do much unique or different with my life. I don't believe that entirely. I'll keep digging. How far after so what is if you were to kinda spec out the first hour of your day. The first every day. I do the water, I take in the environment, and then the first thing I do before I do anything else in my day is I I do what I call priming.

11:08 And priming to me is different than meditating. I'm never really a meditator per se. I know the value of it. But The idea for me of sitting still and having no thoughts just didn't really work out for me. It was just a pain in the ass. And I just thought it's not natural, right? It's like that's where it works. But When I'm in nature, I feel that form of meditation. When I stand on stage and someone stands up and my brain, it's done. I don't even know what it is, but person suicidal. I've never lost a suicide, for example, in thirty-seven years. Knock on what does mean I won't someday, but I never have out of thousands. And we followed up with them. So it's like there's something that comes through me and it's quite meditative. It's like I experience it as a witness, you know, afterwards. It's it's one of the most beautiful gifts of my life.

11:45 So I know that meditation. But For me what priming is if you want to be have a prime life, you gotta be in a prime state. And weeds go automatically. I don't give a damn what it is. And my teacher Jim Row just to say that. And so what I do is I get up and I do a very simple process. I do an explosive change in my physiology. I've done the water already, right? Cold hot.

12:03 Then I do it with breath. I know you know all forms of Eastern meditation all understand that the mind is the kite and breath is the string. So if I want to move that pipe, I move the breath. So I have a specific pattern of breathing that I do. I do 30 of these breaths.

12:16 And I do'em at three sets of thirty. that creates a profound physiological difference in my body. And from that altered state, I usually listen to some music and I go for I promise myself ten minutes and I usually go thirty. And you do that in this room that we're sitting in? I no, I do it all up this one room is where I do it. This got a great vibe. I'll do this one I do it at night. I usually will go outside because I love the wind on my face and I love taking the elements and so forth. But I do it multiple places. I'm on the road, I do it, doesn't matter what day. I always I do not miss priming. The reason is You don't get fit by getting lucky. You don't get fit by working out for a weekend. You you know you live your life that way. Fitness is cause it's becomes just part of who you are. So what I do during that time is I do three simple things and I do it minimum ten minutes. Three minutes of it is just me.

13:00 getting back inside my body and outside of my head, feeling the earth in my body experience, and then feeling totally grateful for three things. And I make sure one of them is something Very, very simple. The wind on my face. You know, the reflection of the clouds that I just saw there. But I don't just think gratitude is like I let gratitude fill my soul. Because when you're grateful, as we all know, there's no anger. It's possibly angry and grateful simultaneously. But when you're when you're grateful, there is no fear.

13:25 You can't be fearful and grateful simultaneously. So I think it is one of the most important power emotions of life. And also to me, there's nothing worse than an angry rich man or woman. You know, somebody's got everything and they're pissed off. Surprisingly high number, though. It is because they develop a life that's based on expectation instead of appreciation. Agreed. I tell people you want to change your life faster than trade your expectation for appreciation and you have a whole new life. So every day I anchor that in. And I do it very deeply and emotionally. And then the second three minutes I do is a total focus on Feeling um presence of God, if you will. However, you want to language that for yourself, but this inner presence coming in and feeling that heals everything in my body, my mind, my emotions, my relationships, and my finances.

14:07 I see it as solving anything that needs to be solved. I experience the strengthening of my gratitude, of my joy, of my strength, of my conviction, of my passion. And I just let those things happen spontaneously. And then I focus on celebration and then service because my whole life is about service. That's what makes me feel alive. So I flood myself with that with a breathing pattern that I take that does the opposite, takes the breath down through my body. And back up again. And then the last three minutes are me

14:33 Focusing on three things I'm gonna make happen. My three to thrive. I have some big things that I'll do and sometimes I'll do things that are smaller, but I see them, field them, experience them. So it's a really simplistic process, ten minutes. But I come out of it. in my power. It doesn't matter if I had two hours sleep. I'm now ready. And I do this even when I have no sleep. I that's how committed I am. As I say, I've always said.

14:53 There's no excuse not to do 10 minutes. If you don't have 10 minutes, you don't have a wife. Right. And that's how I got myself to do it. And now that I've done it. Yeah, twenty to thirty minutes is almost always what it is,'cause it actually feels extraordinary. I have to ask what type of music. Do you usually listen to? Uh I have a variety, but for that meditation, I have one in particular, which is a oneness meditation that a friend of mine made it who's from India.

15:14 that I find really profound has no uh singing in it or anything like that. It's just The sound of a vibration that's going on and and I just love it. But That's what I'm doing currently in the past over the years I've used all kinds of different pieces of music, but I don't use modern music or pop music or rock music. I do that to work out. You know, rap. I don't know, it just feels weird to be doing rap while you're meditating. But again, what's different is I don't look at meditation because I look at it as it's priming courage, love, joy, it's priming gratitude, it's priming strength, it's priming accomplishment, it's priming you know, when I'm doing my gratitude piece, I'm doing the circle of who's closest to me and you know, circling that out to everybody I love and sending that energy and healing out to them as well. So to me that's if you want

15:51 Prime time life, you got a prime daily. I like the term priming also because I think that most people who struggle with meditation or even attempt to use meditation are utilizing it for that purpose. They're doing it first in the morning. And you know, when you said if you don't have ten minutes, you don't have a life, it reminded me of something that Russell Simmons said to me, which was if you don't have thirty minutes to meditate, you need three hours. And uh I don't always do thirty minutes, but I do meditate in the morning and it's been a c very consistent pattern among all the people that I've interviewed so far on the podcast. I'll tell you four things I saw that stood out. And one is overly simplistic, and that's why people don't pay attention to it, but these guys pay attention to it.

16:26 They don't lose. Half the peak awakening is not losing and they are obsessed. Every single one is obsessed and not losing money. I mean a level of obsession that's mind boggling. It isn't just these investors, you know, so Richard Branson, for example, you know. People see Richard and he's such an outgoing, playful, crazy guy. He's kind of an introvert in some areas, but when it comes to athletics and taking on challenges, he's out in the world. But you know, his first question to every business is what's the downside and how to protect it. Right.

16:54 Like when he did his piece with Virgin, I mean that's a big risk gonna start an airline. He went to Boeing and negotiated a deal that he could send the planes back if it didn't work out and he wasn't liable. That's the level these guys think at. So they look to see how do I not lose money. First. Because the average person has no clue. If I lose Fifty percent in two thousand eight.

17:13 Well guess what? You gotta make a hundred percent to get even, not fifty percent. 'Cause your principle's gone down so much. So it's like people don't understand you lose sixty percent, it's two hundred percent to get even. And so The average person You know, lives in a world where they Try not to lose money, but they're not obsessed. These are obsessed. Second thing y'all have in common?

17:31 Every single one of them is obsessed with asymmetrical risk reward, which is a big word. It simply means They're looking to use the least amount of risk. to get the max amount of upside and that's what they live for. Here's what I found with Paul Tudo at the very beginning getting back on track. What he's done his best.

17:47 He made sure every single trade had what he called a five to one. That means if he was gonna risk a dollar He wasn't about to risk it unless he was certain he was going to make five. You're not always right. So guess what? If I risk a dollar to make five and I'm wrong, I can risk another dollar and still make four.

18:04 I can be wrong four times out of five. Still break even. Their secret is not that they don't they're not wrong. If they set themselves up where They risk small amounts for big rewards proportionally.

18:15 Paul, you know, if he's right one out of three times, he still makes 20%. So the average person risk a dollar trying to make how much? Dollar ten. That's right. About ten. If I could get 10%, wow, my dollar, right? 20% would be unbelievable. How often can you be wrong? Not very often. Not at all. Right? You're in the hole. You're starting from the hole and you gotta build back up. So They're asymmetrical words. Like I was with Kyle Bass and Kyle Bass risked. Check this out.

18:40 In the middle of the subprime crisis. He made two billion dollars out of thirty million because he risked For every six cents he risked. Yeah, an upside of a dollar. Six cents for hundred. Well, you could be wrong fifteen times and you're still okay in that area. I mean

18:54 He was brilliant to figure it out. He's a genius to figure it out, but that was reward is why it is. He showed his kids, he taught I said, How do I teach us the average investor? And he said, uh, well, you can teach them what I taught my kids. I said, How'd you do that? He goes, we bought nickels. And so what do you mean you bought nickels? He said, well, I did research. I have this question. That's another thing that all these guys do. They ask a better question. And we talked about they get better answers, right? Better quality question, better quality answer. What's wrong with me? You'll come up with stuff. How do I make this happen no matter what? You'll come up with different answers. So His question was

19:24 Where in the world is there a riskless trade? With the whole upside. Yeah. Um He started looking around and he said, I'm worried about inflation, so he decided

19:32 Okay, of all the currencies in the world, a nickel, what it's made of today. It's not made mostly of nickel, by the way. He said. It's costing the US government. Nine and a half cents to make a nickel. That's how our government functions. I'm gonna spend almost 10 cents to make something worth half as much, right? The Pentagon plan. Yeah, perfect point. So he said, but you know what? Just the actual material value.

19:55 Right. It's six point eight or whatever it was, six something, six and a half, we'll call for round numbers. So he said If I buy a nickel, it's never going less than a nickel unless you believe the US government's gone. So I've got something that never goes down in value. So I got a guaranteed return, and I'm not going to lose my principle. But day one, it's worth thirty-six percent more than the day I bought it.

20:13 How many investments can you have 100% guarantee of no loss and have 36%? I said, yeah, but that's smelt value when I saw they passed the law a few years ago. I think Charlie Wrangle, who was was the one who pushed it through and he goes, Yeah, but Tony said, that doesn't matter. Let me tell you why. You said look at pennies. When they changed it from pure copper to tin and all things they changed, what happened to the old pennies?

20:33 There's a scarcity of them. And now a penny from those days is worth two cents. It's a hundred percent more valuable. So he said that at some point the government cannot continue to do something that costs twice as much. Some point they'll make a change in the materials. And then all these nickels are worth the. unbelievable amount. So he said, I'm just showing my kids, here's a risk. You need to think different than everybody else. Don't think I have to take huge risk for huge rewards. How do I take no risk and get huge rewards? And because you ask the question continuously and you believe an answer, you get it. So he said, listen, if I could convert my entire wealth into nickels right now, said I do it. I said you're insane because I am insane. But it's the best possible fundamental investment. He started telling me how to do it. He bought. Forty million nickels. Wow. He has 40 million nickels. He fills up a room bigger than this, right? Better be on the ground floor. But he had his kids dragging him in and all laughing, having fun in this like their little treasure room. So he can legitimately do like these Scrooge McDuck backstrokes through a pool full of nickels.

21:27 So that's asymmetrical war. I'll give you one more and I'll shut the hell up. But I want to ask me the what the you tell me the differences I want to you know there are differences. We've spent hours and hours on the differences, but what things are useful is what's a line because then it gives something universal that can be applied. Absolutely. The other one for them is They absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt know they're going to be wrong. You will look at these talking heads on television and people screaming you and hitting bells and telling you what to buy and they're right, right, right. The best on earth, the right values, right? The pebbles, the you know, I don't give a who you talk about. You want like a car icon, they all know they're gonna be wrong. So they set up an asset location system.

22:03 that will make them successful. They all agree asset allocation is the single most important investment. There wasn't one person in terms of your vehicle that it wasn't the most important thing, no matter how they attacked it, asset allocation was the element there. And the last one is They are lifelong learners. I mean these people are machines like you like me like Peter like most of the people you and I share as friends They just are obsessed with knowing more. And because the more they know, the more they realize what they didn't know, and then they apply that and they go to another level. And every time you think you're the best you can be in anything in life, your body, your motion, your spirit.

22:32 Your finances, there's always another level. And these guys live by it. And the last one that I found almost all of them were real givers. Not just givers on the surface like money givers, that's wonderful, but really passionate about giving. And it showed up once they saw what I was doing was legitimate and was really real. That I mean, then they're opening up three hours of their time with something I mean, these guys will never get. Yeah. Just a quick thanks to one of our sponsors and we'll be right back to the show.

22:59 This episode is brought to you by AG1, the daily foundational nutritional supplement that supports whole body health. And I do get asked a lot what I would take if I could only take one supplement. And the true answer is invariably AG1. It simply covers a ton of bases. I usually drink it in the mornings and frequently take their travel packs with me. On the road. So what is AG1? AG one is a science driven formulation of vitamins, probiotics, and whole food sourced nutrients. In a single scoop, AG1 gives you support for the brain, gut, and immune system. So take ownership of your health and try AG1 today. You will get a free one year supply of vitamin D and five free AG1 travel packs with your first subscription purchase. So learn more, check it out. go to drinkag one dot com slash Tim. That's drink AG One, the number one. Drink AG One dot com slash Tim. Last time, drink AG1.com. Slash Tim.

23:55 Check it out. Yeah. And now Jerry Colonna. Co founder and CEO.

24:05 Of executive coaching and leadership development firm. Reboot.io And author of Reboot. Leadership and the art of growing up.

24:16 You can find Jerry on Twitter. At Jerry Kaluna. Jerry, welcome to the show. Hey Tim. It's great to be here. I'm really excited to talk to you. We have so much we could possibly talk about. You and I have spoken before, had quite a few conversations over

24:34 the last God knows how many years with particular density a handful of years ago. And I thought we could start with the spider tattoo, which you just showed me over video. It is not a small tattoo, so perhaps Much like A novel I greatly enjoy. The girl with the dragon tattoo. This would be the coach with the spider tattoo, but I don't know the story. Why do you have a gigantic spider tattoo on your chest? Yeah, so Spider's a good friend of mine. Spider is my um spirit Guide.

25:04 So In two thousand and seven I went on a retreat. Led by a Jungian echo psychologist named Bill Plotkin. P L O T K-I-N

25:19 And on that retreat This is a long story, Tim. You ready for it? Oh, I'm ready. We have nothing more time. On that retreat, I started to go Really deep into some of the Important structures of my life.

25:32 And I had a dream. And It was after a night of ecstatic Dancing. In which I danced nearly naked.

25:42 In a drum circle. And I'd fallen asleep and I had this dream in which I was going to a house that I owned on Long Island. And I got to the house and the house was completely white. And I was really terrified.

25:57 And I went into the house, and it was supposed to be my house, but it didn't feel right. And I ended up in the basement. And in the basement the basement floor was covered with this sort of like the floor of a forest, and these mushrooms were sprouting up. And I got very scared and I tore the mushrooms from the ground and I ran out of the house. So the next morning I went into circle. Again, and I shared that dream.

26:20 And Bill turns to me and he says. Go leave. Leave the circle right now. I want you to go into the forest, I want you to find those mushrooms, and I want you to apologize to those mushrooms.

26:31 and ask it what it was that you were supposed to hear from them that you were too afraid to hear. So I left the circle and I started wandering around and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? I'm walking around this forest trying to find these mushrooms and I actually have to have a conversation with these mushrooms. And to be clear, I was not ingesting the mushrooms. Okay, because I know who I'm talking to. So I'm walking around and All of a sudden I see on the ground. The exact same white long stringy mushrooms.

27:01 And I'm like freaked out. And I drop to my knees and I start crying and I said, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. What were you here to teach me? And they said. The mushroom said to me.

27:12 You're too afraid. Go into the forest and find your place. And now I'm like freaking out even more. So I just standing up and I'm like stumbling around. And this is a time period in my life where I'm just a freaking wreck. And I'm crying and I'm wandering through the forest and I find this little sort of indentation, this little spot and I sit down and I'm like sitting on my rump and I've got my hands and my on my knees and my head

27:38 And I'm just crying. And they look up And often to my right is this gorgeous spider web. And it actually has little dew drops glistening on it. It's like okay, this

27:49 They look like crystals. And this little spider comes walking out. It's this Virginia garden spider. And I look at it and I said, Okay, I give up. What the fuck are you here to teach me? 'Cause I have no idea. And the spider says to me

28:05 You worry too much. Your children are going to be fine. And I just start shaking. Because there's no message that I needed to hear more than that. And so

28:16 I came out of that forest, I came out of there at retreat. And a few weeks later was my Forty fifth birthday. Thereabout. The actual year doesn't matter so much as the fact that it was my birthday.

28:30 And on my birthday I got the spider tattoo. Above my heart. So that I can never forget. The fact that I worry too much. And then my kids are gonna be all right.

28:41 Mm-hmm. So that's the spider. Has it remained relevant to you? Is it something that you consciously notice or because it's so continuously present, do you find yourself sometimes losing sight of it?

28:57 Both. Meaning I'm often reminded as I was when you asked and you said, Oh, I'm gonna ask you about the spider. I'm often reminded So thank you. For reminding me that the point of that spider's visitation to me.

29:13 Was to remember who I am. And I can use that reminder every day because I forget every day. Not only do I forget who I am, but I forget that My kids are all right. And then I worry too much.

29:26 Yeah. Thank you for the story. Yeah. It makes me think of Given the spider.

29:35 Lakota. Mythology. And ichtomie. There are various names for Ichtymy, but Ichtomy is a spider trickster spirit, bit of a hero. And Perhaps one of the ways that you are a productive trickster is by asking questions that are very

29:53 Uncomfortable. Or that can be very uncomfortable. And I think that's one of your Yeah. And we're gonna come back to that for sure.

30:03 But I thought we could revisit another Perhaps chapter or event in your life that seems to have been Very impactful. I believe it was February two thousand two. Mm-hmm.

30:17 After something involving the Olympics or the Olympic Bid meeting. Mm-hmm. If you know what I'm referring to. So February two thousand and two. I was working at JP Morgan at the time.

30:29 I was co leading the technology investment practice for a fund that was about twenty three billion dollars on a management so large. Font. And This was after having left Flat Iron Partners. in the I think around the middle of two thousand and one. And just for clarity, that was billions with a B.

30:50 That was billions with a B. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a large fund. It's a large fund. I mean, but we were s very diversified. We did everything from Brazilian railroads. to, you know, funding the launch of Jet Blue Airlines to the latest web based startup so capacity. Anyway. A few months prior, it had been clear that my previous fund flat iron partners needed to be wound down.

31:16 And Fred and I needed to make some decisions about what to do and I was in the midst of trying to sort through what I was gonna do with the rest of my life. I did not have the internal capacity. to raise a new fund. I

31:31 Know now that I was in the midst of a Very in profound. depression that was exacerbated by the attacks on nine eleven. And one of the ways I responded to the attacks on nine eleven was to throw myself into the Olympic bid.

31:47 Effort. We were bidding to bring the twenty twelve games to New York. And For me, this was a profoundly important effort because Now you're gonna make me cry.

31:59 My city was attacked. The city that I love. Way you could. The city where I grew up.

32:10 That had so much meaning for me. It was attacked and I remember the feeling Helpless. During a fall. following the attack. Anyway, around the same time I had to decide whether or not I was gonna accept an offer to join JP Morgan, which had been one of the funders

32:27 And the funding partners for And eventually I did that and Fred linked up with Brad Burnham. And they launched Union Square Ventures. By the way worst decision of my life. But anyway, um to join JP Morgan and not go to Union Square of Interest. Anyway, so he went off and did that. I joined JP Morgan.

32:47 And by February two thousand and two, I was a wreck. And what you're referring to is February. Two thousand and two. I left an Olympic bid committee meeting. Which was being held downtown.

33:03 Not far from ground zero. And I found myself outside of the stinking Smoking. No.

33:13 was the pile As they refer to it. Of ground zero. And I remember feeling completely overwhelmed and feeling like there were ghosts flying around that area. And I wanted to die.

33:28 And I was obsessed with the idea of running down to the Wall Street subway station and leaping in front of a subway. And I ended up deciding not to do that. But wisely. And thankfully instead called my therapist.

33:44 Doctor Sayers. Who said to me properly Get in a cab and come out and see me. And I did just that. And uh

33:54 Saved my life at that point. What did your therapist Do When you arrived. What was that session like? Can you describe that session?

34:04 So Dr. Sayers was a psychoanalyst, and so I very traditionally almost like a New York cartoon would lay on the couch and I can't help but think of that and think of like somehow it's a dog sitting in the therapist chair. So it's like this some sort of New Yorker thing. Anyway, so I'm laying on the couch staring at the ceiling. as I did all the time. And I remember saying to her Just

34:30 Stick a fork in me, I'm fucking done. Put me in the hospital. throw away the key. And you know, to be clear, the threat was real because when I was eighteen, I did try to kill myself. And so No fooling around here.

34:44 Right. I mean this isn't just some idle ideation going on here. This was like I was in it. I was thirty eight. I was being cocked.

34:54 And I was declaring that I was done. And Doctor Sayers, who was also from Brooklyn, said the most magical thing possible. She said What the hell do you want to go to a hospital for? The food sucks. Yeah.

35:07 Go to Canyon Ranch. You'll get a massage every day. You'll be so much better. What is what is Canyon Ranch? Canyon Ranch is a health spa and uh It's a very nice place. I loved it.

35:21 It's really sweet, but it's About as far removed from a psychiatric hospital as you can imagine. I I did spend three months in a psychiatric hospital, so I sort of knew what I was getting, what I was asking for, if you will. So that's what I did. I made plans to go down to Arizona. I think it was the eight The Arizona branch of Canyon Ranch and That moved was the beginning of me being rebuilt.

35:47 When and why did you spend time in a psychiatric hospital? I mentioned uh the suicide attempt. Right. I was eighteen and I had On January second, something about the number two, right? January second. I guess it's nineteen eighty.

36:04 One, um losing track of the time. I had just turned eighteen. And I tried to kill myself. I cut my wrists.

36:14 And uh first went to It was taken to the emergency room. Jamaica hospital? The Trump Pavilion. That's all I'm gonna say.

36:24 And then I was transferred from there to Creed Moore State Hospital. Which is just this side of hell. And and From there, after three days at Creedmore, I was transferred to a hospital that actually is no longer a hospital, Cabrini.

36:42 Medical Center in Manhattan. Where I was there for three months. Mm. I'd love to I think this is a good point. Two

36:51 Come back to Questions. And good questions. And you're very skilled in this department. So I'm gonna pose one of your questions to you. And you can feel free to tweak it.

37:03 Paraphrase it, correct it any way you like. But if you look back To two thousand and two. Mm-hmm. How are you complicit in creating the conditions in your life?

37:15 That you would have said you didn't want. Yeah. Nice turn. Which is a great question. So maybe you could repeat it. For folks because it is so important. And this is something that has greatly aided me when you introduced it to me.

37:31 many moons ago. Yeah. And then if you could speak to that. as it applies to that particular period in your life. I'll unpack the question. So the way I usually ask the question goes like this. How have I been complicit? In creating the conditions I say I don't want. And the reason for the language is very, very purposeful.

37:52 I like to use the word complicit and not responsible. Ninety percent of the time when I first ask that question, people hear the word, How have I been responsible? For the conditions. Complicitness is important because it's not It's

38:07 relieving the person from the burden of feeling responsible for all the shit in their lives. Because that's not fair. to carry that responsibility. But It's helpful.

38:19 to think of ourselves as somehow being served by the challenges that we're going through. The second piece of that is that I say I don't want. And that sort of unpac that notion even further, which is There's something oftentimes about the way in which we operate and the way we set up the conditions of our lives. to be in unconscious service to us

38:44 The psychological term is secondary game. But there are ways in which we find ourselves repeating patterns in our life. We always date the same type of person. We're always finding ourselves in the same kind of job. We're always frustrated by the same sorts of situation. And so it's really useful to sort of start to unpack that. So that's that question. And

39:07 Before I even answer your question, I'll I wanna say one other thing. the discomfort of difficult and powerful questions reminds me of something my daughter Emma likes to say about me, which is that imagine growing up with a man who asks you questions that you really rather not answer Mm-hmm. So shout out to Emma.

39:32 I think that the way I was complicit I guess we should thank Emma for being the crash test dummy for the questions that you use now in your career. You got it. Well Emma Michael, Emma and her brothers Michael and Sam, for sure. For sure. God love them. They put up with so much with me. Oh my God, Dad, stop coaching me. So

39:56 Before I can answer that question. Honestly, what I would say is doctor Sayers taught me three additional questions. And those questions are What am I not saying that needs to be said? What am I saying that's not being heard?

40:13 And what's being said that I'm not hearing. So again. What am I not saying that needs to be said? What am I saying that's not being heard? And what's being said that I'm not hearing.

40:27 And so for me The way I was complicit was I wasn't speaking. I wasn't saying what I needed to say. And more often than not, Tim, the suffering that I encounter

40:41 can almost always be rooted back to somebody not saying something that needs to be said. And if there's a little correlated to that. And not saying it. Or not saying it in a way that it can be heard. Because oftentimes we speak

40:56 Without words. But by our actions. And we go unheard. Could you give an example of something that you needed to say during that period of time that

41:08 You didn't say. Well it wasn't heard. Yeah. Yeah, something very, very simple. I wasn't happy. That despite all the outward

41:17 Trappings of success. I was empty. And hollow inside. That I wasn't speaking truthfully. That I wasn't living in integrity.

41:28 And that I was too afraid of losing The good graces and esteem of everybody around me? To actually talk about the fact that I did not want to do what I was doing with my life at that point.

41:43 Oh, by the way, I didn't know what else I was gonna do, but that's a separate issue. Yeah. Right. Mm-hmm. I mean, I knew when I decided not to continue working with Fred Wilson.

41:53 Stupid man that I was. I knew that it was actually the right thing for me to do. But when I agreed to take a job at JP Morgan It wasn't because I wanted to continue doing that work. Because I was too terrified.

42:08 To do anything other than that. And I certainly didn't want to lose the esteem. And the good wishes. I mean think about w your reaction just a few minutes ago. When you pointed out that it was a twenty three billion dollar fund. And even in that moment I felt a little bit of that pride.

42:25 Mixed with a little bit of the shame'cause I walked away from that. And I didn't want to lean into that space. Of like What if I don't matter anymore? What if nobody

42:37 Calls me. How did you get over that? What are the things that contributed to you making it through those questions because a lot of people seemingly don't make it through those questions, right? They stay in

42:51 A given track in a given relationship they stay stuck exactly for Five, ten, fifteen, twenty. Or more years. So what life lifetime. What a lifetime. What did Emerson say the vast majority of men Let's update it the vast majority of people.

43:08 Lead lives of quiet desperation. Mm-hmm. So How did I Get out of it.

43:17 Your question implies an agency. That I didn't feel at the time. Meaning Huh, I wake up one day and I decide I'm going to be different. No.

43:28 It wasn't that. It was that I ran out of the ability to continue to operate anymore. It was that moment. Above the lip of ground zero.

43:41 And that moment where I chose not to leap in front of the subway, but to get into the cab and go to see Doctor Sayers. And it was that moment where I decided to follow her advice. And go to Canyon Ranch. It was the series of moments Where it was like

43:57 Okay, I know it's not working. I admit it's not working. I don't know what I'm going to do. But what I have been doing hurts too much. And if I have to suffer the consequence

44:10 of the loss of status Approbation. Affirmation. All the external Trappings?

44:17 So be it. It was like my soul basically said Listen, motherfucker. You better sit down and pay attention to your life. Because the stakes are too high.

44:29 I think I read that in the Bhagavad Gita, if I'm correct. Brooklyn edition. Now, how did you find your way? Two

44:51 I'll use this term. It may not be the best term, but how did you find your way to coaching? So on that plane ride. From New York to Arizona to Canyon Ranch. I read three books. When things fall apart by

45:05 Any Pember children. Faith. By Sharon Salzburg. And let your life speak. by Parker Palmer.

45:13 And before fully answering your question, I'll give you this. I must have done something really, really good in a past life. Because I have the benefit of considering all three of those people. On a Pamma. Sharon Salsberg and Parker Palmer.

45:27 As my friends. I didn't know them at the time. But I have the good grace. And the incredible good fortune. To say.

45:36 I'm friends with them. They are my teachers. So What was your question? The question was, How did you find your way to coaching? And just to reiterate something that you just said at the time. They were not your friends.

45:51 That's right. But you had the books. And so I asked how you found your way to coaching. You went back to the plane ride. Right. And so in reading those books, and those those three books were really important because they did lead

46:04 indirectly to me becoming a coach. Each one of those books presented something different to me. Faith presented this notion of really being honest with myself with what was going on. When things fall apart Was the first Laying out of Buddhist Dharma as a path. But it was let your life speak.

46:24 Which is a brilliant, beautiful short little collection of essays that really shifted to dialogue for me, partially because Parker is so open and honest and authentic about his own struggles and depression. Okay. So to your question. Now let me fast forward it. Probably four or five years later, I'm Still working my way through of the

46:45 issues that I'm carrying at that point and trying to sort myself out. I'm In an office. I'm sharing office space with Fred Wilson and Brad Burnham. From Union Square Ventures, but I have a little sub-office within their space and I'm doing a bunch of different things. I'm serving on a bunch of boards of directors, I'm making little angel investments here and there, but I'm just sort of hanging around the hoop, if you will. And this young guy comes to see me. He's there to quote network, you know, this is the thing everybody is supposed to do. Network is way to a new new job. And

47:18 You know, you ask about questions, so here's here's the story. So he comes in and he's a lawyer and he wants to get a job in the startup industry. So he wants to find a way to get some sort of position. And I turned to him and he's probably in his late twenties, and I said I'm happy to help you, but just answer a question for me. kind of my first coaching question, right? And I said What made you to become a lawyer in the first place? And he starts crying to me and he starts telling me about pleasing his father.

47:46 And about how It was You know, his father had taught him that if all else fails, at least He could make a living as a lawyer. And the kid was just

47:57 Miserable. Just Miserable. And so I reached up to the shelf and I pulled down a copy of Let Your Life Speak and I said, Here, read this. And they get back to me.

48:07 He left the office and I turned around And I said. Fuck, I think I need to be a coach. Yeah. I need to do that more frequently.

48:17 And so within a few days I had signed up for a coach training program. Okay, let me pause for one second. So what did you feel? What did you experience? What was it about that encounter? That made you so decisively say that to yourself.

48:34 A couple of things. I could see relief in his eyes. The first thing I felt was Empathy. I knew his feelings. Because even though the content of the story was different.

48:47 My experience We're so similar. I've been so ruled by fears. That I was living in a box. I had lived in a box that was Not of my making.

48:59 It was somebody else's box. It was the wrong box. It's the wrong suit of clothes. It was not me. And I could feel all that. And when I reach for let your life speak, I was reaching for the very same thing that had gotten me out of the box. And I said, Here, here's a path. And there was just relief, relief, not that he had read the book yet, but just relief that somebody actually understood his feelings. And had given words to his feelings that he hadn't

49:27 Been able to give to Remember that question? What have I not been saying that I need to say? There was that going on for him. So then I said, Wait a minute. Dude.

49:39 You can do something about relieving suffering. You're not the mess. And it's not always just your prefrontal cortex that's gonna figure everything out. Because I didn't have an answer for him. I didn't say, here, here's the job you should do that's perfect for you so that you no longer go to bed at night feeling like crap. Wondering whether or not you should wake up in the morning.

50:00 I just had to listen to my heart. And I did something completely Non intuitive. I reached onto my bookshelf and I gave him a book. And the feeling that I had

50:13 Was Poignant. Pain. Coupled with the sense of being able to do something. I could be helpful.

50:21 This may be overreaching, but How much of your call to coaching Do you think, if any was Finding relief in taking the focus outside of yourself.

50:33 It wasn't just the call to begin coaching. This helps me every day. I mean, this is the craziness about the work that I do, about living my my vocation like this. Even today, in my worst moments. When I can be with another person's pain. by the way, which is the root etymological

50:57 meaning of the word compassion. To be with someone else's feelings. I magically feel relief from my own unbearable feelings. Because I think I think that's the essence of being human together. We get to actually Oh geez, we look at each other across the f the campfire. I I keep imagining us in sort of pre-civilization going

51:21 Like looking across the campfire and again must be in Brooklyn and going. Dang, it's hard. Right? Isn't it hard being human? Yeah, it's really hard. Okay. Let's do this together. So

51:33 I think the call Was that But if I if I may, I think the call was also To retroactively go back in time and save myself. Interesting. See this makes a lot of sense to me.

51:46 In saying that do you mean and I don't know if you've ever heard of IFS internal family systems in so much as by helping people who are in similar positions with similar states or pains as you experienced earlier, you are healing that younger version of yourself. In some capacity.

52:07 Well, first of all, to answer your quick question, I have heard of IFS. I have not been trained in IFS, and I know a few of my clients have benefited from it. But broadly speaking You want to understand Buddhism. That's what we're talking about right now. Yeah. You want to understand wisdom traditions across the world. It's what we're talking about right now. It's like

52:28 Even the best of Christianity is Even the best of what Jesus taught. It's like God, I mean I just imagine him exasperated sitting there thing, for God's sake, love one another. Just, you know, come on, can you just stop the nonsense? And just reach across.

52:44 And just be with each other. Think of it this way, Tim. There's almost like a universal Wellspring. Of pain. That you and I share.

52:53 And in a similar fashion. There's a universal wellspring of happiness and joy. That you and I share. And so if you're In this painful spot.

53:03 I can tap that universal wellspring of happiness and joy. And point it a little bit more at your suffering. And you can do the same for me. So let me ask you A question.

53:14 And you and I have spent a good amount of time On the phone together. And To those people listening who are self described high achievers who don't want to lose their edge.

53:26 who are looking for the tactical practical. If they hear that and they're kinda rolling their eyes and they're like, All right. You had me at nine eleven. You had me at the books. But

53:37 I don't see how this applies. I'm too busy for that shit. I don't have time to go to Burning Man and do fire dancing. Like this this is serious business. I have serious work to do. Sorry. How do you relate that to someone who in their first meeting Fits that profile. Perhaps. What do you do with them in a first meeting? My job isn't to necessarily convince people that they need help.

53:59 And so the first thing I say is and the first thing I would say to anybody who's listening Is If everything's working for you Go at it. Have a great time. Go enjoy yourself. Go ahead.

54:10 But you know, there's a simple little trick, you know, I have this little reputation that I make people cry and all this stuff. You know what I do? I asked them a simple question, How are you? And I often followed up with like no really don't bullshit me. How are you? How are you really feeling?

54:27 Because here's the thing, you describe this would be resistant person as a high achiever. Here's the thing about high achievers. In my experience. High achievers early on in their life figure out how to get in hay. They figure it out.

54:40 'Cause the whole system is geared towards that great. And then we take that entire system from our childhood and we move it into work. And it's just getting A's, getting A's, getting A's, getting A's. And the highest achieving people Oftentimes come into me Scared.

54:56 Because there's a little whispery voice in their ear that says You are a fucking fraud. You have no idea. And when they figure out that all you're doing is reading the tea leaves and what it takes to get an A. They gonna toss you out of the tribe. They're gonna toss you out on your ass.

55:14 They're gonna push you away. Or They say to themselves Because they haven't Experience.

55:22 Loss. Or they haven't experienced failure. They think they haven't experienced failure. They're just waiting. They're just playing a waiting game. They're just waiting for something for fate to catch up to them and Bang!

55:36 The ham's gonna come down. Now if this resonates with you. You might also then recognize the anxiety. That comes in.

55:45 where you put your head down at the pillow at night and you go. My God, I don't know if I can do it again tomorrow. Maybe they'll catch me. Tomorrow. And if that's what you're working with.

55:56 Then there's an opportunity in all that we're talking about. Forget universal suffering, forget about well springs, forget about spiders, forget about Burning man, which I've never been to, by the way, and I don't believe in substances, but that's a whole different issue. Forget about all that stuff. I've been three times. I I'm a fan. At least once in your lifetime. The truth is I'm probably too scared to ingest any material inside of my body, but leave that aside for a moment. Forget all that. Okay, all the esoteric stuff like that. Here's the simple question. How's it working for you?

56:36 If it's not working for you. Why are you in pain? Why are you doing it? And would you like a little relief? And here you want to know the secret. Like nasty little trick that I play?

56:49 Yes. I get them if they either have children or hope to have children someday. I will ask them What would they like their children to feel? When they're at the same age.

57:01 Because if they would like them to feel something other than what they're feeling. Now's the time to start changing. The way they organized their lives. Yeah, that's a really good question. What if you're going to be able to do

57:12 And this could combine with what we're talking about right now. Someone comes in, they don't feel imposter syndrome necessarily, but they are simply overwhelmed. You ask them how they are, no really, and they're like, I'm good, I'm just busy. I'm stressed. I just have too much. I'm overwhelmed. If that's the Breed. of client that shows up.

57:36 How do you begin? to work with that. Well Once you've established a certain level of trust. And relating

57:45 Through empathy. And You know, don't necessarily try to step in and fix it. The first question I would start to ask or elicit Is how is that being busy serving you?

57:58 Remember that how have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want? Here's the thing about busyness. Busyness can feel fucking awesome. It can feel so amazing. Internally. It's like look at all the great stuff I got done.

58:16 Externally, look at how busy I am. I must be important. That's an interesting statement. Business? Can also serve to distract you. From

58:28 Those voices inside that say Hey. I'm not happy. Hey. I'm not happy.

58:35 Hey, I'm serious. I'm gonna throw you down on the ground with some sort of somatic Illness. Lower back problem. Irritable bowel syndrome. Migraine headaches, that was my specialty.

58:47 I'm gonna throw you down until you pay attention to me. Oh, okay, you're too busy. Okay, I gotcha. Okay. 'Cause you know, here's the thing too. Some are around thirty five to fifty years old. the systems start to break down. The systems that got you out of childhood, that got you into adulthood, that got you established, that got you to the point where you think you got it all figured out, and then all of a sudden, holy shit, the whole thing starts to collapse.

59:14 Now what do I do? And when I see someone who's busy who's Early twenties, I see a striver. Trying to establish themselves.

59:25 But when I see somebody who's busy Who actually Doesn't need To be that way? I get really, really curious.

59:34 What internal need is trying to be met. By all that busyness. And that's the place to inquire. What are some of the more common patterns that you see.

59:45 With that busyness. I promise not to coach you, but why is it so curious and no just kidding? I can I can tell you. No, I can tell I can tell you why it's curious or interesting to me. We can jump into some. I'm I'm game I'm game to I'm game to hit some volleys if you want. Well, for instance, I'm looking at and apologies to everyone I have not replied to But that that is sort of my ethos and the gist of everything I've written. So I feel like I've bought some permission, but I I currently have six hundred and eighteen thousand nine hundred and fifty two on read email. And combination on two different tracks of 165 plus 255 under text messages, and that's the tip of the iceberg. So

1:00:29 I actually feel surprisingly low. anxiety about that, nonetheless a small amount of anxiety and in the process of Literally rebooting those. various phone numbers and addresses because it's Not physic to address that.

1:00:48 Perhaps similar to many of your experiences, it's given me And opening line. Or Common sentiment of commiseration that opens up the floodgates to similar types of

1:01:03 problems in other people. So they confess I'm like the the productivity guy in the confessional box for people who want to tell me about similar things. And those are a few things that come to mind when you ask me why is that curious. I think it's very common. I just think it's very common. I think it's hugely common. And I think that you ask the question By using a particular descriptive word, you described it as feeling overwhelmed. And you know, if we were to do dream analysis, we might talk about being flooded. That's typically the psychological signal. That the system is overwhelmed.

1:01:39 So Again, we use our construction and we talk about complicitness, not necessarily responsibility. I'm gonna use you as an example as a high achiever. Who is incredibly busy. It's so busy that he has

1:01:53 over six hundred thousand Unanswered emails. And we'll just stick on that one for a moment. By the way, you're allowed to declare bankruptcy at that point. Okay, you're done. Oh yeah. What I hear you say is I no longer you said I don't feel anxiety, just a small piece of it. I would argue that you probably have been so overwhelmed by it that you've actually given up feeling anxious about it. And it's just like forget it. I'm not going to get to it.

1:02:19 So here's the question for you, and you don't have to answer it, but but hang out with it. Couple of questions. The first would might be something like When did you start feeling overwhelmed? And How long have you felt overwhelmed?

1:02:33 And while feeling overwhelmed. Did you take on more tasks? Right? In your case, Tim, did you sign up for another book? In another show.

1:02:43 Or another thing. Which only produce more stuff. 'Cause that's what I do. If there's a tiny bit of open space in my life, I tend to fill it. And then the magical question is, how familiar is that feeling and how does that feeling serve you?

1:02:58 I'm willing to Play on this one. And I will say before I get started that I do think I have much better systems and rules and perspectives in place now. But I but to answer your questions, I'd say it started. Probably middle of undergraduate.

1:03:17 College. Right. Overwhelm. Or at least that's when it was most noticeable. And

1:03:24 The feeling of overwhelm was then kinda ebbed and flowed, but certainly up until at least Two thousand four. My solution to feeling anything I didn't want to feel was to add more activities. Okay, can you just pause and say that again? Mm-hmm. Feeling anything I didn't want to feel. In retrospect, I recognize that's what it was.

1:03:46 So if I felt anything I didn't want to feel, I would add more activities to drown it out. Some people use heroin, some people use coke, some people use work. And I used Activities. At the time I also used stimulants, so I was in fact Using both.

1:04:02 But That changed quite a bit in two thousand four by building in empty space. And I think that still now there are vestiges of behaviors that

1:04:17 In some sense helped me to find a t hold. in financial security that are no longer serving me, that are nonetheless default gears, if that makes sense. And To that extent. The vast amount of my focus for the last year has been on saying no to Practically.

1:04:37 Everything more than a year. I mean the last several years. None the less, there is a part of me I think you had a was it a crow, a raven on the shoulder. We'll come back to the crow. Uh and no, it's not another dream sequence for people wondering. No drug induced dream sequence. Yeah, we'll come back to the crow. Something on my shoulder. Saying it you might need this person. You might be this person. This person in reference to any given email that might come in. And so for what I find in my life is that the vast majority of stuff is clearly noise.

1:05:13 And I can ignore there are categories of activities I'm not particularly good at moderation, whether that's with Chips or chocolates or speaking engagements or fill in the blank. There's certain things where

1:05:28 I need to either Be considering Each item that presents itself or not consider them at all as a category. So I've decided certain things just from a binary perspective, like speaking, I will not do any of. Unless they happen to be Ten minute drive from my house.

1:05:44 and fit twenty other parameters. Otherwise it's an automatic no and I don't even see it. Where I think I find more difficulty is where there are people who have been Very helpful in the past. who perhaps were very supportive in the early days.

1:06:01 Who now have lots of favors to ask. But if I'm listening to my body Yeah. It's absolutely not a full body yes. There's a large part of me that knows I do not want to acquiesce. I do not want to agree. I do not want to accept. I do not want to do whatever it is they're asking me to do because It doesn't feel right.

1:06:21 And or it's unreasonable. Nondetheless, those are the types of emails that tend to pile up. And those are the types of emails also that even if I have someone like an assistant or multiple assistants filtering the names are probably noticable enough or old enough that they'll get brought to my attention. So

1:06:41 Let's see here. Is it familiar? Yes, it's familiar. How does It serve me.

1:06:48 This I have more trouble with. So maybe you could walk me through I would imagine many people I'm not gonna say it doesn't serve me because I'm willing to At least as a thought exercise to accept that If it didn't serve me, I would have already found some clean solution or I wouldn't have any emotional difficulty fixing it. How would you walk me through figuring out?

1:07:08 How it serves me. Well, I wanna reflect back a couple of things that I'm hearing so that we can just sort of establish it. The first thing I would say is I really admire all the filtering that you've put into your life. And the structures that you put into your life to create boundaries. And saying no. And I think

1:07:26 that the rules as you define them and they might be rules for like, hey, every morning I'm gonna do X and every afternoon I'm gonna do Y, or I'm only gonna work from hours. Those are all Important But ultimately insufficient. for complete relief from some of these feelings. They're really, really helpful.

1:07:51 They've reduced your anxiety from overwhelming Two Small. But six hundred and twenty thousand emails. Right. And so I want to bring your attention to two other feelings.

1:08:02 One was, he said, Something about Missing something that might be important to you, seeing someone that That has been helpful to you in the past. Or something that's important to you, that you might miss something.

1:08:18 So that's one fear. Is that right? I would say so. Uh I think the greater fear is that people who would at least believe that they have supported me without asking for a quid pro crow in the past. would get upset. And this does happen. It has happened, where people Take.

1:08:37 And I recognize I can't take responsibility for everyone else's feelings and responses to things. I do think that's a fear more than missing an opportunity because I'm not concerned about missing financial opportunities. Not anymore.

1:08:54 Not not anymore. I once was, but I I also st you know I stopped Startup investing completely. In two thousand fifteen because the noise simply wasn't worth it. The cortisol fueled.

1:09:09 unnecessary hurrying associated with that culture was causing more harm than good. So I stopped in two thousand fifteen. So I missed a pretty pretty decent bull run, which I'm okay with. So it's not a financial concern so much. As social cost

1:09:26 And fall out, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. What I'm hearing is a fear of disappointing someone who matters to you. Yeah. Yeah, that would be a piece of it. That would be a piece of it. And this is helpful to me to talk through because It's not just disappointment. In some cases I can't I actually really dislike interacting with some of these more recent

1:09:49 Acquaintances. But For whatever reason they view their position as very entitled, in so much as they expect a fast and very compliant response from me on many things. And they know a lot of people in the same circles. And so those that causes concern.

1:10:07 internal existential threat. I think that's fair. I think that's fair to say. Yeah, if I can say one more thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just just so I don't sound totally uh like I'm living in a land of make believe. I have run into many, many instances. This is, you know, more than A dozen at least where, say, someone will send me an email they want

1:10:30 A blurb for new book. They want this, this, this, this, this, and this, and by the way, it's coming out in four weeks, or whatever it is. There's some Set of Request slash demands. I don't reply. This has happened with journalists as well, where for whatever reason I won't help them and then a hit piece comes out. Or then there's some type of

1:10:49 Blowback slash vengeful behavior, whether that's Shit talking me on stage or whatever might be. So there's evidence to Support. The fear.

1:11:00 But here I am. I've survived. I'm fine. That is also true. So I just wanted to to add that color. Right. And so I want to reflect back to you empathetically and rationally. You're not nuts.

1:11:12 At least threats are real. At least not at least not in that department. That's right. That's right. So what I often say is that there are three basic risks that we're all trying to manage all the time. Love, safety, and belonging. We want to love and be loved. We want to feel safe physically, emotionally, spiritually. And we want to feel that we belong.

1:11:35 And what I'm hearing So if you resonate with those at all. The existential threat, and I wanna bring your attention to existential,'cause I think that the threat is to the essence of who you are. Or at least the perceived threat. And when someone trash talks you on stage

1:11:52 What the trash talking. Is you The you Not the meat bag. But the essence of you.

1:12:02 And so I think that the fear I know for myself that the fear of disappointing others is a threat to my belonging. I'm not gonna be in my family anymore. My children won't love me.

1:12:17 My partners won't love me. And so therefore I will be unsafe. I will be bereft. I'll be by myself.

1:12:27 I'll be alone in the woods. Fending for myself. And there are a few things that threaten me more. than the threat to belonging. I don't know. Does that resonate with you?

1:12:39 It does resonate. I think that a lot of what I've done and been able to do has been dependent on maintaining very long term relationships with people who I enjoy being friends with, who happen to also be very, very good at what they do, whatever that is. And so I think there's a bit of, you know, what got you here won't get you where you want to go or won't get you there. And That does resonate. And we don't have to jump to this, but what I'd love to talk about or

1:13:08 Лисенті. describe because I think a lot of people would benefit from it is when you run into someone Who like me is Fielding a lot of inbound.

1:13:20 And it could be from one person, but they for whatever reason are having difficulty saying no or establishing boundaries. Or books or approaches that you've found. Helpful. For people. in that position.

1:13:35 Whether it's nonvolent communication or fill in the blank, anything at all. Or Questions. Anything at all. How do you begin to Advice. Someone like that.

1:13:46 Well, there's a couple of things come to mind and I'm gonna reference two friends of ours, Seth Goden and Sharon Salzburg. The first thing was when I was really Struggling with this. early on in my career, my adult career, Seth Godin gave me some wonderful advice, which boiled down to this phrase, I wish I could, but I can't. And that became a kind of interesting little fence. around my life, a boundary.

1:14:11 Marker. And so the idea was that you would sh be able to say to someone, someone who reaches out, can you do this favor for me, this thing for me? And you get to say, I wish I could, but I can't. So you just pause around that. Problem is, of course There's an inauthenticity that can set in, which is

1:14:27 I actually don't wish I could. And I can, but I and I can, but I really don't want to. Yeah, that's a whole nother one. It's like and but I won't. And so then it becomes a little bit of like Listen, I'm trying to take my own advice to heart. And the advice I give clients is to take care of themselves first. And so that becomes a kind of useful tool.

1:14:50 But then you reference something before about not being responsible for someone else's feelings. And that brought to mind A teaching that Sharon Salisburg gave me, which goes like this. All beings own their own karma. Their happiness or unhappiness depend upon their actions, not my wish for them.

1:15:09 Say that one more time, please. Yeah. So all beings Own their own karma. karma being the cause and effect, they're consequences of their actions. Mm-hmm.

1:15:20 Their happiness or unhappiness depend upon their actions. Not my wishes for them. Or the corollary to that is not the actions that I take or don't take. Now they may say to you when they're reaching out to you, Tim, Tim, if you don't do this thing that I'm asking you to do. Then I will be unhappy.

1:15:39 And if I'm unhappy I will be mean to you. I mean that's essentially the existential threat. I wish they would actually just send that email because then I would say, Gotcha, bitch. I have a blog. Shouldn't have sent that email. Which has actually happened with writers from the New York Times, believe it or not.

1:15:59 Which is four percent. Oh yeah. And then as soon as they realize what they've done, they're like ah shit. And then they Cool the jets, but yeah. Oh yeah. So here's a little tool that I have come up with that helps me is I often think of creating these little fences, and I often visualize a chain link fence so that I can see through it.

1:16:22 And it has a gate in it. And the gate only opens one way. Inward. And I get to control whether or not the gate opens. And so then I can see someone on the other side, and then the phrase that comes up is love them from afar.

1:16:36 Be kind to them in my heart. Set clear boundaries. I have as your friend, as your guide, as somebody hopefully is standing shoulder to shoulder with you is sort of in this crazy journey. I really feel for all the people who have reached out to you.

1:16:53 six hundred and twenty thousand times in your inbox and all of that stuff. And I feel for you. And I would advise you To delete every one of those things. Yeah. And to basically love all of those people who are gonna get unanswered.

1:17:10 From afar. And be kind to them in your heart. And recognize that On the whole, you're doing the best that you can. Because you are.

1:17:19 I wish I could give you like here's the tool, you know, like NVC nonviolent communications has some brilliant tools, or here's the book that magically unlocks that. To me, the challenge isn't not having the tool. The challenge is in the f meaning that we put into the situation that is the hardest thing to come over. and to recognize that you're okay. Even if you're not necessarily being at your kindest or at your best.

1:17:46 Because like you, like everybody else, like me, we all get resources that are thin at times. My God. And so You know, if you've not answered a text message from me, Tim, or if you've not answered an email from me, I am never, ever, ever gonna think ill of you. Well I appreciate that. Wish I could.

1:18:03 Transmit that. Composure to all of my o Uh six hundred and twenty thousand senders. Let me ask you a uh a situational question, and this is true in my life.

1:18:17 And I'm sure it's true. For many people listening. That I have A handful of people who are

1:18:27 Kind of close to me, very much in the same circles. Playing at a high level. Who tend to Reach out to me only when there is an ask of some type. And there tends to be some great degree of discomfort.

1:18:41 Associated with the ask. Insomuch as perhaps they have two or three people who are close friends of mine attending an event of theirs or investing in blah blah blah, whatever it might be. So that it is There's a creep. Degree of

1:18:57 discomfort that I feel. in ignoring the email. Maybe I actually get texted by one friend and then the email from this person There are a few people who are repeat characters. Kind of like Newman and Seinfeld and Seinfeld shakes his fists. Newman Newman. So I have I have at least a half a dozen Newman's who are pretty tough to get rid of and

1:19:21 They're not very good at reading Hints or they deliberately ignore hints that I don't wanna do things, that I don't want to respond. Have you coached people through breaking up with friends or having Direct conversations with their own newmans. And then maybe the Newman is a co founder, maybe the Newman is uh someone on the board of directors, maybe fill in the blank.

1:19:44 Four Having a really direct conversation about this type of dynamic. Sure. Can we put aside just for a moment co founder and and board member because there's there are power dynamics there that are different than the Newman's that you've been talking about. Yeah, let's leave out co founder and board member. I agree that adds a lot of complexity. Or we can circle back to it separately. But

1:20:09 Here's the thing. If we start with a basic, basic, basic, basic premise. It goes like this. Am I a good person? Am I doing the best that I can? And if I can answer that question.

1:20:20 relatively straightforwardly and honestly. Then I don't have to feel guilty. 'Cause that's what we're talking about, right? That's the emotion that gets manipulated. I don't have to feel guilty saying to somebody

1:20:34 I don't have the space. to do the thing that you would like me to do. Which might include Maintaining this contact. And there's an image that I often use, whether it's with a client or with my own self, and it's come to me as I've gotten older and I'm obsessed right now with myself being old.

1:20:53 And the images of a bone side tree. which over its lifetime, you know, you can see this one foot tall, bone size tree, and it could be anywhere from Ten years old to three hundred years old. You have really no idea.

1:21:07 And What I see is Something that has been carefully pruned. Into a thing of beauty. And I think that that's our opportunity in life. Now if we start with the supposition that we are never enough.

1:21:21 That we are not good enough. And that we therefore not only you said before become addicted to busyness in order to make ourselves Not feel the things that we don't want to feel. Remember that?

1:21:34 Well, one of the things that we do is we maintain unhealthy relationships in order to not feel the things that we don't want to feel. Even when those unhealthy relationships make us feel other things we don't want to feel. Whereas if we start with the basic premise that we are enough just as we are. And that there is no great loss. To you. Yeah.

1:21:57 If Over time you lose some connection and you use this term several times to some high powered person. Oh my goodness, this high achieving person, this high performer person. There's no real great loss. Like think of the people that you have interviewed over the years. the people that maybe began in some powerful position and that have gone on to some powerful position. Oh my God, if I lose that connection that I once had to them

1:22:25 Then somehow I'm at a loss. Yeah. We take a breath. We breathe into that. The Buddha taught us one thing. You are basically good.

1:22:36 Just as you are. Not because of the connections that you have maintained. And those people who love you and care about you and understand the essence are going to be fine and Even if you say Hey, I'm sorry, I actually can't maintain this connection.

1:22:54 May I ask a question? Sure. All right. So I Agree with everything you just said. And What

1:23:01 I'd love to hear you. Elaborate on the Is Any practices or tools That

1:23:10 U use or recommend people use to get from intellectually agreeing with what you just said? to embodying that in some way that translates to different behavior.

1:23:24 Does that make sense? Because I mean one of my favorite quotes is I guess it's Ted Geisel, but Dr. Seuss, which is the people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter. I mean, I love that quote. I remind myself of it all the time. None the less I do have this guilt that crops up on occasion that I recognize as counterproductive, nonetheless, it crops up. And causes me to behave in ways that I know are not. Necessary nor productive.

1:23:53 And I'm wondering. How you help people to make that Leap from Intellectual Uhhuh, yep, I get it.

1:24:02 to the other lily pad of behavioral change. Well, the first thing I would say is that the practice that you just described Embodying the Ted Geisel Doctor Seuss quote. That is a practice.

1:24:17 And the first thing to do is to remember That the thing about the word practice is that we actually never achieve. We're always moving towards. We're always Going there, but oftentimes

1:24:30 Achieving it permanently, sustained, persistently, that's a tough one. So In those moments when we fail to understand and remember that those of us who those who love us won't mind? When we fail to remember that It can be helpful to remember what I was saying before about I am enough.

1:24:54 And I'm doing the best that I can. Or as Doctor Sayers once taught me. Not bad considering. Not bad considering how rough you may have had it. Not bad considering how hard your life is right now.

1:25:08 You're okay. You're okay. And if I can say that to myself every day in one form or another. Bringing a kind of mindful attention to the points when I fail. with a kind of forgiveness to myself, well then wow, okay.

1:25:24 That can be helpful. Did you Use journaling for this. I know journaling is very important to you and I want to discuss that as a topic. And there are a million and one ways to Journal.

1:25:41 Is journal. one of the ways that you remind yourselves of these things. Yes. Yes. And if so, what does it look like? Down the mundane details. Do you write down I am enough as a prompt and then write for two paragraphs on why that is the case or How does one implement this? So just to for context, I have been journaling consistently since I was about thirteen years old.

1:26:04 Daily. And I'm fifty five. So Hell of a lot of journals. And again to be consistent, and I think you do the same thing. I handwrite

1:26:15 I do, yeah. And What may be unusual is I never go back and reread. Because it's not about figuring shit out. It's about the experience.

1:26:26 And so my general prompt The thing I almost always start with is Right now I'm feeling. And I simply bring my attention to it. And so I might be feeling to talk about this very specific situation.

1:26:42 Guilt. So for example And I'll use this sort of mindful attention. If I were to journal about our conversation, one of the things I might journal is about the guilt that I have felt over the years as to whether or not I was Reaching out to you when you might be in trouble.

1:26:59 Or if I was one of those folks who Put you in an uncomfortable situation. And I bring that up not to elicit a response from you, but as an example of an exploration of the guilty feelings that I might have. Where are they coming from? What are they doing? Was I kind? That sort of thing. And then

1:27:19 I blow a kiss to myself. Easy there, buddy boy. Easy. This is all a journaling exercise. I'm just talking it out. And I remember something that's really important.

1:27:31 About that word guilt. Guilt is self focused. Remorse. It's about the other. Remorse is

1:27:40 Oh, I hurt someone's feelings and I would like to not be hurtful. So I'm gonna try not to be hurtful. Guilt is Oh my God, I can't believe this. I'm ruminating, ruminating, ruminating, ruminating. I find myself journaling. In a ruminating kind of way.

1:27:56 I try to bring attention to that. And that's the moment where I say, Easy boy. Easy. You're a good man.

1:28:06 fails to live up to your aspirations. That's it. That's simple. I also promised I would return to the crow. This might be a good

1:28:16 Tough lace. Yeah. Now I'm gonna get the pronunciation wrong. Mary Help me with the last name. P O N Ponset.

1:28:25 Poet. Yeah. And it's Marie. Marie Marie. Marie. Always a ch always a tricky one. All right, so Marie. Concept.

1:28:34 Pancet. And she's still with us, thank God. And the crow what does she describe in terms of the crow. Th that might fit, might not, but I I want to make sure I fulfill my promise to read the craft. I think it does fit. I think it does fit. So Marie Was

1:28:49 One of my professors in college, she taught poetry. But I also took a particular track in teaching writing. And so she was also my mentor. And she used to talk all the time about the crow who sits on your shoulder telling you what a piece of shit you are. Hm.

1:29:06 That's a piece of shit. I can't believe you wrote that. You know, it's like I hear that voice. And it sits on your shoulder and it tells you all the things that you have done wrong and all the things that are happening. And Oftentimes in my journal. Sometimes I'll take a second hand so that there are two different colors. I will allow the crow to speak.

1:29:28 This is really important. This isn't a jujitsu move. Because The mistake I think a lot of people make is they try to throw rocks at the crow. And shut the crow up.

1:29:40 And That crowd It's a really interesting voice. That crow tells us all the things that we are doing wrong. And the ways in which we are not enough. And that's the linkage back to what we were just talking about.

1:29:55 This notion that we are not enough just by ourselves, that's the fuel by which the crow is there. Now this is the move to make. The Crow's mission. Is to preserve your ability to be loved. To feel safe.

1:30:10 And that you belong. What? It makes you feel like shit though. Yes, it makes you feel like shit. But its motivation is for you not to feel ashamed. And so the crow

1:30:22 Is doing you a favor. The crowd. is trying to keep you safe. The problem is The crow is so attentive and so vigilant.

1:30:32 That's a little too active. And so what we want to say at that moment is, Thanks a lot, buddy. I really appreciate it. But all those people who might be angry with me Because I didn't respond to them or do the thing they wanted me to do?

1:30:48 They Actually don't really see me. And if they don't see me, they don't know that I'm doing the best that I can. So I'll blow him a kiss, I'll put'em on the other side of that chain laying fence. And I'll love them from afar.

1:31:00 This is really important. And by this I mean everything that we've been talking about pretty much since the get go, but especially I'm referring to the journaling and creating an outlet for The crow. Or the monkey mind. Or

1:31:15 what Tim Urban of Wait But Why would call the mammoth, and I highly recommend that everybody check out an article he wrote called Taming the Mammoth, which is on this subject that If you hate that part of yourself and try to contain it, at least in my experience, that does nothing but Exacerbate. It does nothing but worsen.

1:31:37 the problem but along the lines of say morning pages, you know, Julia Cameron and so on. Writing freehand in the morning. And Providing that. monkey mind an opportunity to fix itself on paper, at least for me, gives me

1:31:53 Tremendous Amount of Increased levity during the day. It removes a huge burden. Do you tend to journal first thing upon waking up. Could you walk us through when you're at your best

1:32:07 When do you wake up? What does your first kind of sixty to ninety minutes look like or two hours? Whatever you choose. It's two hours and when I'm at my best. I wake I clean up. So a shower and stuff like that, and I have caffeine because you do not want to be around me without caffeine.

1:32:24 What time do you wake up? Generally, between five and six. Almost without fail, usually without without an alarm clock. So I'm really awful around nine o'clock at night. I'm A very boring person.

1:32:35 I do not look at my phone. Let me say that again. I do not look at my phone. I do not look at my phone. Because it's just too

1:32:45 Painful. And with a cup of coffee. Coffee. Not coffee, as I say from Brooklyn. And then I journal.

1:32:53 Usually for an hour. And then I sit in meditation, usually for an hour, a half hour, sometimes forty five minutes. It sort of depends on how the day has gone. No, what's going on? But the entire period feels like one quiet meditative period. So that's me at my best.

1:33:13 The journaling for an hour. I wanna dig into that a bit because I think it's such a powerful Tool. And I'd like to hear more about how that hour So I'm looking at

1:33:26 A page. Yeah. The new book. Appropriately named. Reboot. And you have in this book different journaling invitations.

1:33:37 So you might have I'll just give a few examples. In what ways do I deplete myself and run myself into the ground? Where am I running from and where to? Why have I allowed myself to be so exhausted? You mentioned earlier That you often start the journaling with right now I'm feeling dot dot dot. Are there other prompts that you personally tend to use more than others?

1:33:59 Well, I would never say that I would use the prompts like I'm gonna use the same prompt every time. The one thing that I do consistently is right now I'm feeling And then generally speaking, I might review the past twenty four hours almost in a diary kind of fashion. You know, so yesterday I woke up and then da I also

1:34:20 Don't worry about explaining people. So I might say, and then I met with Mary Jane, and I don't have to explain who Mary Jane is because who cares? I'm never gonna read it again and nobody is ever gonna read it. I get rid of all that monkey mind bullshit chatter. Right. And I just go right into it. And I presume that the journal knows all, sees all, has been there with me all along. That's an important point. Secondarily, I will ask myself many questions like How long have I felt this way?

1:34:53 Which will then bring me back to some early memories. And I will start to be able to elucidate the patterns of my life. And that's really important because it's the patterns. that actually point out where we have some struggles. Can I circle back to a point that you were making before about accepting

1:35:14 the totality of what's going on,'cause the journaling can help me in that. Yeah, that so I mentioned before about maybe utilizing different pens. to speak for the different parts of ourselves. Before I even go further.

1:35:29 Let me make this observation. I think it's super helpful for you, Tim. To speak openly about the ways in which there are different parts of you. You know, for those of us who are mildly curious about this space, that's an obvious fact. But there's still very much a point of view in the world. That there's just one mind, that there's just one point of view, and all those other voices.

1:35:55 We pretend aren't there. They're not part of ourselves. And you are absolutely right. When those voices are not given Airtime? They get really pissed off. Really, really angry.

1:36:08 And the energy that they hold is really important. And so if we go back to journaling for a moment, by giving voice to those other voices, by giving airtime to those other voices, we get to lay out, in fact, all of the conflicts that exist within us. In Buddhism though we're taught that there are seven layers of consciousness. Seven.

1:36:31 There's an observer observing, observing, observing, observing. There were all these layers of what's going on. Right. And by Taking the time in a good journaling session, you can allow, you don't even have to swap all these pens, you can allow dialogue. You can allow

1:36:48 Conflict. You can allow argument. And it's in that expression. That's a manifestation of that full acceptance that you were talking about before. Oh wait. I can contain multitudes. Isn't that what Whitman said?

1:37:04 Do I contradict myself? I do. I am large. I contain multitudes. Amen. Whether we are aware of it or not, we all do. A book that helped me a lot with this And I found so much value in the first

1:37:19 I wanna say fifty to a hundred pages that I wanted to get to work immediately. I was like, Okay, that's plenty of grist for the mill, let me get started was radical acceptance by Tara Brock. Oh God, what a great book. Is fairly sterile or Milk toast.

1:37:38 But the book is so good. And in my particular case, my default emotional home in a way was anger.

1:37:50 Fighting anger. If that makes sense. Yeah. And trying to cage and contain it. and radical acceptance offered. me an entirely different way of relating to that, which I found extremely valuable. Are there any other Tools, meditations.

1:38:07 Books. Anything. At all. might be helpful in assisting people to

1:38:16 accept or reconcile with different parts of themselves. different you know you know how before you were saying like you you know you would take a breath because she wanted to jump in. I'm having all those same feelings. Yeah, so much here. First of all, shout out to Tara Brock for radical acceptance. What a what a brilliant book and what a gift she is as a teacher. Yes, yes, yes, on the acceptance. You know, you talked about anger being your default mechanism.

1:38:44 For me growing up with the violence that I experienced as a kid. Rage. Was a major. Part of my childhood. But the challenge that I experienced was that anger.

1:38:56 Rage. was so dangerous that I actually turned it into anxiety. All the time. And so actually You can't see it because the video is off, but on my desk are two little action figures. One is Hulk.

1:39:08 And the other's Thor. And One part of me that I learned to accept. Mr. Hawk. Because the Hulk when I was a kid

1:39:19 I remember this one time uh I have a Younger brother named John. And in my mind's eye, he's still ten years old, even though he's in his fifties. So hey John. Anyway, when I was a kid. We lived in a part of Brooklyn where called Bensonhurst and I uh l we lived in the second floor of a

1:39:36 Two family house. And I remember looking out the window, and one day this kid was throwing rocks over the fence at my brother John. And I went. Ballistic. And I ran downstairs and I grabbed this kid and I pulled him over the fence and I threw him on the floor and I pounded the crap out of his face. Because here's the thing, you do not fuck with my people. You do not fuck with hulk's people.

1:40:01 The problem was That Hulk was often dangerous and would often lead to something negative happening to me. So I would shut him up. And I pretend that he's not there.

1:40:13 And he would show up in all sorts of ways, like really cleverly dissecting somebody's argument and Being really wordy and verbose and shutting people down and all these awful behaviors. And what I had to do was radically except. That that guy

1:40:32 That big green guy exists in me? For one reason only. Keep myself and those who love me safe. And by the loving Hulk, I transformed him into Thor. Who's just as strong.

1:40:47 Just as powerful. less likely to be out of control and motivated by justice. Better hair too. And much better hair, much better skin. So

1:40:58 That radical acceptance That accepting the fullness of of ourselves. Oh my God, it's so liberating, isn't it? It is. And what's liberating also Is

1:41:11 Simply the realization. That you can in some fashion reconcile these different parts of you. And that they serve a purpose. Not only do they serve a purpose, but that They were probably in some way fundamental to your survival, whether that's physical

1:41:29 emotional or otherwise and that they were incredibly, incredibly important and may still be very important for certain things, certain situations. That's right. And you know, that recalls Carl Jung's notion of the shadow. Which is the place he describes as the place we put the dismembered

1:41:50 Parts of ourselves. And this is really important. Not only do we put the parts of ourselves that society may say Are obviously not good. Let's say a rage like anger. But also the parts are the our cells. that are actually quite powerful, quite positive.

1:42:08 Quite. Lovely. But because they threaten, say our belonging. they have to actually be put in the shadow as well. Well, they too get really pissed off.

1:42:20 Right. And they too cause trouble. So you might Put it to the shadow. your intellect or your capabilities. or your ability to write a book.

1:42:30 And you might sit for the Two or three decades. Knowing that you want to write a book and not doing it. 'Cause it might threaten you in some way or another. This is a good segue.

1:42:40 For difficult decisions. And by difficult I mean emotionally difficult. Right. So the for instance sitting on the desire to write a book for ten, twenty years and then finally taking whatever the steps are. The first steps To finally write that book, potentially.

1:42:58 Maybe that's leaving a job. Maybe that's starting a job. Could be any number of things. Could you speak to you can choose which of these questions you would like to answer. When did you say no to something that was at the time very difficult to say no to?

1:43:12 Which in retrospect is very important. Mm-hmm. And then the other is when was a time when you decided to kinda block out all the noise, block out everything else, and focus on something very narrowly. And that ended up being Extremely important in retrospect. What occurs to me is that the answer to both questions is the same.

1:43:34 Meaning Probably the most consequential Career. choice that I made the Consequential saying no.

1:43:44 But I ever did? was to walk away from the venture business. And to stop being a professional investor. And the rest of my life unfolded.

1:43:54 And I'm sitting here talking to you today. I mean we might have been friends, Tim. Had I taken that path, who knows? But I'm sitting here talking to you about something that feels like the most profound fruition of who I am, my vocation, my belief systems, all of this. Because I said no.

1:44:16 to the thing that I was actually really successful at. Um, which is A mind fuck if you think about it. Right.'Cause'cause like if I was failing as an investor, you could sort of say, Well, of course He walked away. Ha ha ha. He failed. But I actually walked away when I was successful. Because it was too

1:44:36 Painful. Could you walk us through how that happened? Because you had to have this feeling for I would imagine more than twenty minutes. Maybe it was days, maybe it was weeks, maybe it was months. What was the kind of twenty four hour period, the dinner, the conversation, the forty eight hours, whatever it might have been when you were like, Enough is enough. I'm actually

1:44:56 Sending the email, having the conversation. And walking. It was actually years in the making. I would have to go back to ninety nine. Two thousand?

1:45:06 right around that time period where if you recall the market crashed, the Nasdaq crashed. I forget the absolute numbers because they would be minuscule compared to the numbers we're dealing with now. But the market crashed around March nineteen ninety nine. And I remember it because I was on a family holiday to Washington, D C when Fred, I think texted me. Said, Did you see the Nasdaq? And it's like Oh my God, you know. And I think it had dropped like seven hundred points or something, which at the time was like a phenomenal number. Anyway, right around that time I started having this I just couldn't sleep.

1:45:42 I was just not happy. I was thirty seven, thirty eight years old. So in hindsight, I was clearly entering midlife. And like the systems were collapsing all around me. And then I thought I couldn't go out and fundraise with Fred and raise a new venture capital fund for Flat Iron.

1:46:01 And so I decided to leave the fund. But I decided to leave the fund and go to JP Morgan because I thought that the problem was the changing the externalities. And so then I took a position starting January first, two thousand and two, and as we were talking about before, by February. It was just not working.

1:46:19 And I remember going in to see my boss at the time, a guy named Jeff Walker. Who's vice chairman of the bank, he's still a very, very close friend. And I remember saying, I can't do it. I just can't do it. And I think it was probably a few months after the Canyon Ranch visit And I said, I'm not gonna renew my contract.

1:46:37 The end of this year. And he said, Well, what are you gonna do? And I said, I don't know, but for the first time in my life I'm gonna be without a job. Since first time since I was about thirteen. And I'm gonna be liberated from this definition, from remember I you know, this notion of like wearing somebody else's suit of clothes. It was incredibly scary. It was incredibly hard. Was the trigger I hate to interrupt, but was the trigger that you had a preset

1:47:06 scheduled meeting for the renewal of the contract. It was kinda like shit or get off the pot. In the sense no. No, it was a dinner. It was a dinner, okay. It was the dinner. It's like Jeff I need to have a dinner.

1:47:19 I need to talk about this. Because the presumption everybody renewed their contract. Did something prompt was there like a particular day or moment that prompted you asking him out to dinner? You know, so I went down to to Canyon Ranch and I read these books. Let your life speak. Holy shit, I've actually not been listening to my life. And I started to spend the next few months that was the beginning of my meditation practice.

1:47:45 I first meditated at Canyon Ranch. And I would argue I first began listening to my life. To my heart. And over the next few months up until November that year. I think we had dinner right around November second or so. There's that number two again.

1:48:02 I never noticed that pattern before. We had dinner. And I said to him, you know, it was like one of those moments, do I say it at the beginning of the dinner or do I say it at the end You know? Yeah, just one last small thing before I walk away. I'm not gonna be your partner anymore. And I said it at the beginning and I knew In my heart that he would still be my friend. In fact, we remain super close.

1:48:26 But the fear was like what was it gonna do? And I didn't know. I had no idea. Thank you for bringing me back to that time because It's important for me to remember that.

1:48:38 I'm feeling that right now. What was the Day After you walked. Like.

1:48:43 Do you remember what that What you did on the first one or two days after you walked out. I remember starting to tell people, I told uh the woman who was my assistant at the time, she remains a very close friend. See, there's a pattern, Carrie Racklin. And I said, you know, Carrie, I'm not gonna do it. I don't remember all of the details. It was so long ago. This is you know 17 years ago now. But

1:49:08 I remember the feeling and the feeling was A combination of Utter relief and absolute terror. Both feelings simultaneous.

1:49:19 What's your advice to someone who's in that position? And I could phrase it as What advice would you have given yourself? when feeling those two things at that point in time, which you can answer. Or since you have experience with so many Executives.

1:49:36 Founders. And so on. when people are experiencing this Sense of relief. Combined with

1:49:44 Abject terror of facing The unknown. What's your advice? The first thing I would say and I would have said to myself is that welcome to midlife. For sure.

1:49:57 And I say this often now. 'Cause I often Can see the connection. I was

1:50:03 Talking to the C to the CEO. of a very successful company. Who is just talking to him this morning. He's thirty nine years old and it's like everything's working. Why do I feel Groundless. It's like, Well, let's talk about that.

1:50:17 So what I often say is Remember you're not alone. And the second is That there are Adults.

1:50:25 Men and women. Who are on the other side of that gulf. And we're fine. And you'll be fine. And

1:50:33 They have a Trod the path before you. And you're gonna be okay. How many references to books have you made, Tim? Those were all written by people. You know, Tara's book

1:50:45 Just as much for herself as it was written for anyone else. You know, and To all of those people. They're there.

1:50:55 They're like ancestors. Guiding us. Through that period. And saying, Come on over, the water's fine. You're gonna be okay.

1:51:05 Don't be so scared. What has helped most with Or what Helped most. If it's past tense.

1:51:14 with your anxiety, with your worrying. When you transmuted Rage into anxiety or if anxiety bubbled up as From other sources. What are some of the things that have helped you most?

1:51:29 With that. I'll speak about the rage for a moment, the rage and then Turned into anxiety. But it would equally as often turn into migraines. And that's when Doctor Say has first taught me the first of those three questions, which is what am I not saying that needs to be said?

1:51:47 And by linking Speaking To the rage. And to the migraines, and to the anxiety? I gave voice.

1:51:58 To the feelings. And that Didn't magically make them go away, but it lessened the power of that anxiety. It lessened the power. of all of those feelings. So learning to speak, whether it's in my journal Or actually learning to speak like an adult with another human being.

1:52:16 Hey, that hurt me, or hey, I'm scared. That thing that you said last night scared me. And as a result, I want to do the thing that I would normally do, which is withdraw and cut off connection to you, but I'm gonna stay here and be an adult and engage with you. That move? It doesn't make the anxiety go away. But it puts me back in control. It puts the

1:52:41 Adult me back in control. The other thing that I do is I start to ask the anxiety questions like You w really want to work with what's going on in that amygdala, which is where that source of anxiety tends to be, right? The amygdala.

1:52:56 Ask it questions. What's the threat? What am I afraid of? Have I heard this before? Those questions fire off the prefrontal cortex. Which can relieve the anxiety.

1:53:06 Do you personally tend to ask those questions before meditation? In journaling, what form does the asking take? Yeah, I do. Well, remember I journal before I meditate. So a lot of times I will be sitting down at the cushion Going, uh, this is what I'm working with. And you know, I'll tell you what happened this morning in my meditation session. I was working with some really difficult feelings that came up over the weekend. And

1:53:33 I was sitting in meditation. I had had a conversation with Sharon Salisburg yesterday and Was really helpful. And all of a sudden she came back, and it just as I sat down. I'm a very ritualized meditator, right? So I have candles, I have incense. You know, I'm a I'm a former Catholic, so I like all of that ritual stuff. You know, if somebody can ring a bell, it makes me happy, right? So I'm doing all that stuff. I'm sitting on the cushion and all that's emerging. And all of a sudden I start visualizing the area of my chest where my heart is.

1:54:03 And the object of my meditation this morning was Open your heart. Open your heart. Your heart's closing. Stay open. Stay open. And in that moment I realized that what I was continuing to work with

1:54:18 was the impulse to close down this weekend. That I was feeling in response to the fears. And so the naturally arising thought that came from that session in that moment was. What

1:54:35 Open. Open. Open. Which very, very quickly Turned into loving kindness meditation for myself.

1:54:43 For people who don't know, correct me if I'm wrong here, but loving kindness meditation, if you want to learn more about it, would highlight recommend diving into that, also known as Meta M E T T A. Meditation. Two folks worth checking out. Jack Cornfield, who's been on this podcast before, specifically speaking about Meta and Loving Kindness. Sharon's also spoken about it on the podcast.

1:55:09 And Those are good. Those are great places to start. Very, very effective short least can be short meditation that really punches above its weight class in a sense. And I think in part for me

1:55:23 I'm really glad we're talking about this'cause it's a type of meditation that I haven't used in a while and I I really should. is at least for me it's a vacation From Obsessing on Myself.

1:55:37 If it is directed at other people. Now as was pointed to me during my first ever extended meditation retreat, I was talking about loving kindness and how much I enjoyed it, and they asked on the way out. Just a quick Suggestion Have you applied this to yourself at all?

1:55:54 And it was so nonsensical to me. Like it didn't it like they might have been speaking to me and Klingon. I was like loving kindness to myself? What? Like that doesn't make any sense. And lo and behold, I did find it very valuable. I really enjoy combining that with also loving kindness meditation for other people. And if you're just kind of rolling your eyes at The sort of a new age hippie sounding wording of loving kindness, then we could switch to a different language and look up meta, M E T T A Meditation. Same, same, but different.

1:56:28 Jared, let me ask you just a couple more questions. We could go for many, many hours. more and we certainly have spoken for many hours before, but for the purposes of right now, I think we're getting close to a really good getting reacquainted chat. And

1:56:43 Yeah. I'll ask you just a few more questions. One is What is The

1:56:52 New behavior in the last handful of years. It could be. Any time really. or belief that is most Or I should say greatly improved. Your life.

1:57:03 Quality of your life. New behavior or belief in the last. fill in the blank number of years that has significantly improve the quality of your life. the main one that comes to mind is

1:57:15 That I am A good man. The belief. That's a belief. I believe that I am a Fundamentally good person.

1:57:27 And that I accept the fact that I often fail to act. In accordance with that. But that Feels. To this guilt ridden, anxious ridden

1:57:40 angry child from Brooklyn way back when that feels radically transformative. What? I'm good. Just as I am. No.

1:57:53 Yeah. I'm good. That's huge. Hard to imagine something bigger. By the way, I it I have to practice it every day, but you know, I'm a good enough partner. I'm a good enough business person. I'm a good enough coach.

1:58:09 I'm good enough parent. That's the hardest one for me. Have I wounded my children? Yes. Does that undermine whether or not I'm a good man and a good father? No.

1:58:22 And that allowance has done something really magical. It's allowed them to accept themselves. So yeah, it's a big move. That is a big move. The next question might segue, might be completely different.

1:58:35 But if you could put A message on a billboard. Metaphorically speaking, to get A quote, a word, a question, anything. Non commercial.

1:58:46 out to billions of people. What might you? put on such a billboard. I'm gonna add two sentences. It's a big billboard, so there's plenty of it. It's a big billboard. So it doesn't say impeach Trump. Just kidding. It says

1:58:58 You're not alone. And just because you feel like shit doesn't mean you are shit. The you are not alone is really, really important. Because we feel so broken, because we question our worthiness all the time. We exacerbate the feelings.

1:59:16 Uh I must be the only one who's going through this. And this is crazy because despite all the evidence. Whether it's myths. Whether it's stories whether it's religions, whether it's philosophical traditions, everybody's saying the same thing.

1:59:33 You're fundamentally good. Yeah, there are things you can do to improve your life, but you're fundamentally good. Relax. It's okay. That's that equanimity that I often talk about. It's like

1:59:45 Okay. So I guess You're not alone. And just because you feel like shit doesn't mean you are shit. And if I'm not shit, then this feeling of

1:59:55 It being crappy right now, well, this will pass. So let's add another one. This too shall pass. Can I add on to that? You can add. You can keep adding. Tim, think of the times in which you have struggled. You've been very open about your struggles, and by the way, thank you for doing that.

2:00:11 'Cause you model something that's really important. Think about When you've been at your worst. And how alone it feels. And how it becomes this self reinforcing negative view that you must be crap.

2:00:24 Because you feel like crap. It's like no, stop. You must be human. Because you feel struggle. And there are billions of humans and have been billions and there will be billions more.

2:00:38 And struggle is universal. It is part of The amusement ride. That's right. Yeah, and you bought a ticket, then you might as well go for a ride. Can't be on Magic Castle indefinitely. You're gonna go through the haunted house occasionally. Amen.

2:00:56 Jerry. Thank you so much for Taking the time. today to share and to catch up And to teach.

2:01:04 I always enjoy our conversations. So Point number one thank you very much. Well, thank you. And thank you for giving me the opportunity and thank you for asking gorgeous that really helped me think and feel. And uh thank you for doing what you do every day. It really means a lot to the world. My pleasure. I really appreciate you saying that and it it helps me

2:01:28 As much as I hope it helps. Other people. And So it's that weird, crazy, esoteric thing that all those people, high achieving people say, Oh, there he goes, Oh, helping me helps other people, helping other people helps me. Yeah, right. Tim's living proof of that. So there. It's true. It's true. I mean I I think that

2:01:49 I've been very fortunate to somehow stumble my way like a drunk in the dark into a career that involves having conversations like this. So thank you, Lady Fortune, for that. And It's also just a tremendous opportunity to explore some of these things that perhaps aren't

2:02:11 explored as often as they should be. And You are great companion on the path. with that. So thank you again. And where are the best places to say hello to you on line.

2:02:26 Or to learn what you were up to. Of course, the book reboot subtitle Leadership and the Art of Growing Up. is available and certainly something I would recommend people check out as the many of the prompts and more that we've talked about A lot of case studies, the personal history. and a distillation of a lot of what you've learned working with.

2:02:48 hundreds, thousands of clients at this point. And what else should People know anything else. to sort of follow's going on is reboot.io slash book. But also if you just go to the reboot dot Io website, we've got A bunch of resources, podcasts, self-guided courses, journaling, exercises, all sorts of things designed to help folks.

2:03:16 All for free. Because you know, hey, what the heck? You know, let's help each other out. And that's probably the best way. You can also follow me on Twitter at Jerry Coloni, you mentioned that earlier. But pick up the book.

2:03:30 Um Pretty proud of it. And I hope it makes a difference, makes a dent in the world. That's the best that we can hope for. And for people listening, I'll link to everything that we've discussed, the website

2:03:43 Book website. Twitter. And Everything else that came up in this conversation in the show notes as always at Tim dot blog forward slash podcast you can just search Jerry J E R R Y or Kelowna if you want to take the black diamond route instead of using the easy option. And you'll

2:04:02 Jerry, any other comments, requests Anything at all that you'd like to say before we wrap up? No, it just that it was a real heartfelt pleasure. It was really a blast. Likewise. Thanks so much, Jerry. And

2:04:18 Everyone out there. Thank you so much for listening and until next time. Pick up a damn journal. Amen. That's right. And real pens. Real pens. Give it a shot. It's amazing what you can discover when you take what you think are clear thoughts and put them on paper. And That's it for now. So until next time, thanks again for listening.

2:04:43 Hey guys, this is Tim again, just one more thing before you take off, and that is Five Bullet Friday. Would you enjoy getting a short email from me every Friday that provides a little fun before the weekend? Between one and a half and two million people subscribe to my free newsletter, my super short newsletter called Five Bullet Friday. Easy to sign up, easy to cancel. It is basically a half page that I send out every Friday to share the coolest things I've found or discovered or have started exploring over that week. Kind of like my diary of cool things. It often includes articles I'm reading, books I'm reading. albums perhaps, gadgets, gizmos, all sorts of tech tricks and so on that get sent to me by my friends, including a lot of podcast guests, and these strange esoteric things end up in my field, and then I test them and then I share them with you. So if that sounds fun, again, it's very short. a little tiny bite of goodness before you head off for the weekend, something to think about. If you'd like to try it out, Just go to Tim.blog slash Friday. Type that into your browser. Tim.

2:05:45 blog slash Friday, drop in your email and you'll get the very next one. Thanks for listening. This episode is brought to you by 8Sleep. I have been using 8Sleep Pod cover for years now. Why? Well by simply adding it to your existing mattress on top like a fitted sheet, you can automatically cool down or warm up each side of your bed. 8Sleep recently launched their newest generation of the pod, and I'm excited to test it out, Pod 4 Ultra. It cools, it heats, and now it elevates automatically. More on that in a second. First, Pod4 Ultra can cool down each side of the bed as much as 20 degrees below room temperature. keeping you and your partner cool, even in a heat wave. Or you can switch it up depending on which of you is heat sensitive. I am always more heat sensitive, pulling the sheets off, closing the windows, trying crank the AC down.

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