Buddhist Teacher: No One Is Talking About This Hidden Epidemic! The Western Lie Behind Depression and Anxiety

0:00 We're all at the mercy of our own minds. But the problem is is that in modern life we're constantly made to feel we're not good enough. Something's always missing and I will be happy or unhappy if this or that happens to me. So we become prisoners of life. And you weren't this the hard way. Yes, when I was in a long retreat, cut off from the world for four years. and memories were coming up from the past that would build into horrific amounts of depression, anxiety, pain, and I jumped over the wall and tried to escape because of what happened to me when I was fourteen. Are you comfortable talking about this? Erlong Tupton is a Buddhist monk who spent over 30 years helping Hollywood stars, CEOs, and corporations stay in control within a world overloaded with stress, addiction, anxiety, and burnout. Here we go.

0:42 I became controlled by distraction, controlled by negative thinking. What is life gonna do to me next? How will I handle it? And things only changed when I Hit rock bottom. I had spent so much effort trying to push that suffering away. 'Cause it's so disgusting and so shameful. But it was just making it worse. So many of us run away from pain though. But the reality is you can run to the end of the earth and that thing that has been tormenting you will always trip you up. And so I went back into that retreat knowing the methods are there. I just need to know how to use them and I could Learn to conquer this. And that's where meditation comes in. You think you can teach me? Because I very much feel like I'm on the receiving end of life. First of all, chuck all those things away. There's a lot of spiritual tat, isn't there?

1:25 I actually hated meditation when I first did it because there's a lot of misconceptions and actually all you're doing is these three things to be less controlled by negative thinking. And the beauty of this is that they can show in brain scans there'll be visible changes in your brain. So let's try this. Quick one before we get back to this episode. Just give me thirty seconds of your time. Two things I wanted to say. The first thing is a huge thank you for listening and tuning into the show week after week. It means the world to all of us, and this really is a dream that we absolutely never had and couldn't have imagined getting to this place.

1:58 But secondly, it's a dream where we feel like we're only just getting started. And if you enjoy what we do here, please join the twenty four percent of people that listen to this podcast regularly and follow us on this app. Here's a promise I'm gonna make to you. I'm gonna do everything in my power to make this show as good as I can now and into the future. We're gonna deliver the guests that you want me to speak to, and we're gonna continue to keep doing all of the things you love about this show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Back to the episode.

2:26 Oh Can I Why is your work?

2:34 More important now. Than ever before. Why is your message more important now than ever before? I think uh because we're now living in times where we need meditation More than ever. Because of the the speeding up.

2:47 Of life. obviously with technology and the way we live. And also I think because meditation has become more widespread, There are loads of misconceptions about it. So I do try to put some effort into kind of

3:00 Clarifying some of those misconceptions. When you look out into the world. And you perform your sort of own analysis on what the world, the Western world is getting right and getting wrong. What are some of your sort of big picture feelings, thoughts, and concerns? Well, the way we are all buried in our phones is quite something, isn't it?

3:18 And the way we interact with information has changed so much. So we we are kind of bombarded or invaded by constant flow of information which has a lot of Persuasive.

3:31 undercurrents to it and This is affecting our stress levels. and also affecting our confidence levels. We're constantly made to feel we're something's missing. Something's always missing. We're not good enough. If you get this, you'll be okay.

3:45 If if and when this happens to you then and only then can you be happy. So we've kinda lost our power. We talked a little bit about the word purpose as well. What is your perspective on the state of the Human purposefulness. So I think um

4:01 This issue around purpose, I think it it is connected To The Breakdown of religion. Mm.

4:09 In the I would say well, I think we'd all say that religion used to be very much the centre of the table. And it sort of gave everybody their a sense of their place in the universe. And the question of purpose was never such uh an issue because Everything was uh

4:27 In context according to one's religious belief. And of course now we're in a post religious culture. And it's much more about the individual. And there are good things about that, of course. But what happens then is we become very obsessed with our purpose and the word purpose itself suggests I want something. I want s what do I want?

4:47 And in in Buddhism. We look at that wanting mind and see how insatiable it is. And how The more you want The more you're gonna want.

4:56 And so From a Buddhist perspective, we're all looking for purpose, but maybe Externally. Because we get what we want and then want something else. And maybe

5:09 What we're actually looking for is something deeper within. But we don't know how to access it. So is it wrong then to be in search of purpose? Is it A misguided pursuit. No, I wouldn't say that, but I would say what's misguided for us is that we

5:27 Are obsessed with the idea that happiness comes from the outside. And on the other side of the coin suffering too. So I will be happy If I get this or get that, or this situation, or that situation, and I will be unhappy if this or that happens to me.

5:46 So we become at the sort of receiving end of life. What life is gonna do to me next, how will I handle it? So so there's There's not much strength there and uh I think the message of meditation is that you become your own purpose and you you become

6:04 the generator of your own experiences because you learn how to Take hold of your own mind. In this conversation, do you think you can teach me how to do that? Because I very much feel like in my life I'm on the receiving end of life. Well I'd love to show you how maybe help you to see that meditation Is easier than you thought.

6:23 or more uh more applicable to Daily situations than you thought? When we think about the state of well being in the Western world, everybody knows these stats around suicidality. Um if we look at The US, for example.

6:37 They've slipped further in the unhappiness rankings than ever before. The US fell to twenty fourth place in two thousand twenty five in global happiness rankings. In 2011, the US had been 11th place and now they're 24th. And the UK followed the same pattern. The UK dropped to twenty-third. in global happiness rankings. Which is its lowest position.

6:59 In a long time. But then more sort of horrifically the suicide Numbers in the UK, the US are Tremendously alarming. in the UK suicide has reached its highest level.

7:10 in many, many decades. Something is going on here. Absolutely. So so we we have developed The most W you know, materially comfortable.

7:22 Culture in history we are materially more comfortable than ever and yet emotionally more uncomfortable. So something hasn't added up. You know, we've created a comfortable, to a certain extent, uh outer world for ourselves and we can achieve high levels of material comfort and somehow The more of that we have, the more emotionally uncomfortable. And I think this is all to do with the mechanisms of desire. So so when we are in a culture that is constantly promising us the next piece of enjoyment, the next hit, the next buzz, the next thing.

7:56 We're caught in a sort of cycle of wanting more. I I I was described the s the the search for happiness, the the problem in that is the search itself. Because searching is a habit. That will lead to more searching. So we're always looking for the next thing.

8:12 So we get what we want. Not always, but sometimes. And then very soon we want something else. So the more we're wanting, the more we're feeling we don't have. So we end up Possibly with a lot, but feeling quite empty inside.

8:26 And then we're back to this question, what is my purpose? What's it all for? I've I I've reached the the I've reached the the goal I wanted to reach, but I still feel empty. I still feel something is missing. We're told something is missing all the time. Because to keep a consumer message going, you have to tell people they're lacking in something. And the insistency with which that message is fed to us.

8:49 through our phones, basically, and through through the The media that we consume. Is going to affect us. I think nineteen percent of people listening right now would say that their meaning in life comes from the pursuit of something. the journey towards something. It might not come from the attainment of it, being successful, being on the podium.

9:07 But they would say that the the meaning they experience, the joy, the thing that gets them out of bed is in the pursuit of something, whether it's building a business or I don't know, becoming an athlete or building a Charity. Are they Misguided in that thought? No, it's just that we we we could look deeper into our own i internal psychology and see how well the the word pursuit is everything. So

9:31 We're always in pursuit of something. And the the the the chemistry of of our body in the state of pursuit is that chemical dopamine. The interesting thing about dopamine is it falls away just before you get what you want. So so the the chase is much more exciting than the having or the getting. And so we're in locked into this constant chase. And what is the next thing? And I think the the reason why we feel so sort of empty or disappointed is because what we get is never enough.

10:04 And meditation comes into this conversation to to show us that actually what we were looking for was already there inside. That's the key point.

10:17 What were we looking for? We were looking for freedom. If you if you think about how it feels When you get what you want. You know, there's the chasing, the wanting, and then there's the getting.

10:33 There's a kind of relief, isn't there? Oh, the wanting's gone away. It's like hunger. You feel hungry, you eat a sandwich, the hunger's gone away. I mean that's a metaphor for everything in that you when you get what you want There's this relief, the the the the m the wanting, the h the the the needy feeling that oh when will I get it has gone and there's a relief. So actually what what we're Momentarily Well momentarily and then it kicks in again. We're looking for the next thing, but what we're looking for is the absence of wanting.

11:02 That's the the happiness we achieve when we get what we want is a kind of freedom from wanting. So The problem is is that we're caught in a cycle where we then just want something else. So I'm not suggesting let's all go and sit on the mountaintop and meditate and not have lives and not have careers. Not at all. I'm simply suggesting that we've put our focus very strongly on

11:23 material things. And I think there needs to be also a focus on the mind. And I think that's how we can learn to free ourselves. You learnt this the hard way. Through your own experiences.

11:36 Can you talk to me about how you learnt these lessons? Well I definitely became a monk. Through extreme suffering. I wouldn't describe myself as

11:46 having been a kind of, you know, a spiritual seeker and I went to a monastery with a kind of open, glowing heart wanting to find the answers. I went to a monastery in a completely broken state. Because I had been living uh

12:02 Ambition cycle. wanting, wanting, wanting and and really uh not looking after myself. I had a very uh self loathing and unhappy mind, vr a lot of depression, a lot of anxiety and I was um

12:18 I went to that monastery feeling completely at rock bottom. And I I didn't go to a monastery to live there forever. I just kinda dipped my toe in, but You know, I stayed. If I was a fly on the wall in your life on that day when you showed up at that monastery, what would I have seen?

12:35 So I was very ill. And I arrived at the monastery, um really needing help. So I was I was living in London and New York. I was trying to become an actor. My mother's an actor, so I sort of wanted to follow in her footsteps. And I got into a really kind of dangerous kind of party lifestyle, really wild and

12:55 burning the candle at both ends. I basically made myself ill. I had a very, very Dramatic. Burnout. Living in Brooklyn.

13:04 and waking up one morning in my apartment thinking I was having a heart attack. Um, I went to I didn't have medical insurance, but I managed to find some kind of Like cheap. E C place and they checked my heart out and they said, You've you have a heart condition. What have you been doing? And you know, I really it was uh had to stop in my tracks and I was very, very ill after that for a few

13:27 Months. What age was this? Twenty one. Wow. And During that time. of being horrendously ill.

13:34 I had to question everything I was doing with my life. But that illness is a symptom. It's a symptom of of unhealthy living but also an unhealthy relationship with my own mind. And where did the unhealthy relationship with your own mind stem from?

13:49 So I think things that that happened in my early life uh Traumatic things, difficult things. uh and then me not knowing how to deal with those and just bottling them up and pushing through, pushing forward and not looking at myself. I had this s very sort of escapist way about myself. I think that's what all the partying was about, to kind of get out of my head.

14:14 And so so when I had that burnout, I think it was a combination of physical stress and mental stress. that just exploded very, very suddenly, literally overnight. Did you have an abusive childhood?

14:28 'Cause I was I was reading some of the things that you had said and it s suggested to me that there was things that happened when you were young that Left. imprints on you. That you had to work through. Yeah. Yeah, I I would say things happened

14:41 In my teens That were troubling. You know, when I was uh when I was Quite like thirteen, fourteen, I started to

14:50 run with a much older crowd. So I had a kinda double life. I was I was at school and very studious and very quiet and then outside school I was In a rock band. with much older people.

15:02 Um when I was fourteen I started to actually work as a jazz pianist in wine bars across London, pretending I was twenty one. And uh the people I was running with at that time were much, much older than me. And um Yeah, there there w there were uh some situations where the relationships turned

15:22 I would say abusive. And I I would say I was a victim of at the time maybe I thought I knew knew what I was doing, but looking back definitely not. And I think that left imprints. And I think it made me Um frightened of myself and frightened of other people.

15:38 Are you comfortable talking about this? Yeah. Was this sexual abuse? Yeah, from from uh from One of the people I was in a in a band with, yeah.

15:50 And when you think when you sort of trace the steps of the behavior that you then saw in your early twenties, the sort of escapist behavior, the sort of self medicating behavior. Is is that The cont originated from the sort of processing of that and the Dealing with this. It's really hard to make a very specific direct connection, isn't it? And that's what we always want to do. We want to say this happened because of this.

16:12 Unless this You know. This happened, and therefore I went off the rails. In a way that's too easy. Because I think there's a mixture of many, many elements that s can send one off the rails. You know, my parents uh are incredibly loving people. I mean, they really loved me and brought me up very well, but they

16:28 They split up very, very suddenly when I was seventeen. My My dad literally ran off with one of my mum's friends and it was a a very huge explosion in the family and we were all very broken by it. And so

16:40 There many, many things, many factors. that came together in my teenage years that I think sent me off the rails. I got into uh Oxford University. And that was a big prestigious thing, but I fell apart in Oxford. I started to get horrendously depressed. And

16:57 I actually got expelled. It's actually quite hard to get expelled from Oxford. I didn't I've never met anyone that got expelled from it. Exactly. My mother was delighted. She said, Oh, that's like Lord Byron, Shelley, those are the you know very hard to get thrown out of Oxford. You have to you know do something pretty horrendous. But I think in my case they They threw me out because I was just not functional. And that then just led to my demise. And then on the one hand I was started acting and being in plays and and having this kind of um

17:27 almost like the glamorous persona and on the other hand crumbling inside. I had this incredibly persistent monologue of self disgust. You know, like a like a voice in the head that says, You are disgusting. You are no good. You are a failure. I used to call it my devil voice, but but it it it's obviously part of me and and

17:48 That's something that later on when I started to do retreats became incredibly loud. In my head and I had to work hard on meditation to help. Not to get rid of that, but to integrate it and and

18:01 learn to be at peace with it. Definitely, you know, it's gone away now. Where does that voice originate from? You're not the first person that I've sat with here who's talked to me about a similar voice in their mind. And I'm wondering is that a Is that something from

18:14 We inherit from our environment uh something that happens, a culmination of things that happen. Is it genetic or is it all of the above? Because that's very specific. It's many things and it's I think in my case It was Because I became very good at suppressing My suffering.

18:33 Because I became very proficient at pushing things down and just go into as many parties as possible and and try not to suffer. I think the when you push something down, the kind of vulcano effect happens and then this sort of angry voice comes up. this this this uh pr pressure leads to a kind of backlash inside yourself. And

18:57 It's an internalized um anger that also is is fed to us from our environment, absolutely. So you arrive at the Monastery. Yeah. Who told you to go to a monastery? So my oldest f childhood friend Tara

19:12 Uh we grew up together and um When I was completely falling apart with this heart condition at twenty one, she basically scooped me up. And took me to the monastery. She's the one who told me.

19:24 She said oh there's a monastery in Scotland. Which i it's called Samueling, it's a Tibetan Buddhist monastery, and for the first time Ever they've opened their doors. to people who could wanting to be monks for a year. One year.

19:40 And so she she said let's go and do it. This could She wanted to do it too, but she said this could really help you. So she basically Pretty much carried me there. What were you saying to her?

19:51 When she asked you how you were doing or what your symptoms were and I was lying in bed with with horrendous p heart palpitations and any move I made my body would be bathed in sweat. I mean on we we were in California because I got sick in New York. I managed to get to California where my mother was living and Tara was there and they looked after me and then literally flying back to the UK I had to lie down on the plane. She was almost carrying me. It was really h really heavy. But she She said look, this place could help you. It's just a yeah. It's just a year out of your life. I I I I thought, Okay, I'm gonna do that and then I'll go back to New York.

20:25 I almost sublet my apartment in New York, but I didn't in the end. But there there definitely was a feeling in me of okay, I'm gonna go to this Buddhist retreat, get myself straightened out, and then go back. To what I was doing before. So it didn't feel too outrageous because it was only a year. Of course. It wasn't a year.

20:42 This is thirty years later I'm still there. Wow. And to give people like me who don't understand What happens in a monastery, a picture into the What I would describe as

20:56 incredible dedication and sacrifice that you've gone through over those thirty years. Can you can you share some of the practical things that you've done. in those thirty years that most people would think of as being Just outrageous. But do you know what you say sacrifice, but to me it didn't feel like a sacrifice, it felt like immediate relief because I yes, when you become a monk, you you take vows to give up.

21:20 things, certain things, but the things I was giving up were the things that made me ill. So you you know, you're giving up uh intoxicants and you become celibate and you uh I mean the there are also kind of m moral vows such as you give up telling lies and stealing and harming others. Th these are all you know good principles to follow. But I suppose the two major things are no intoxicance and celibacy. And to me that was such a relief to to just kind of give all of that up and be in almost like a kind of like a rehab situation. And But I I have to emphasize it didn't feel

21:55 too heavy because I thought it was only gonna be for a year. So celibacy is sex. Yeah, yeah. What I found is that you actually develop stronger relationships. So people often think monks must be very lonely, but what I found was that then you were in a community of people where

22:12 Does the sexual um Chemistry is off the agenda. So you start having friendships that really are so heart based and you meet lots of people who are on the same path as you. So I didn't feel lonely at all. What is it about sex that

22:27 Is Maybe a distraction. What is it that puts on the list? It's not it's not to say that that that sex is wrong or evil or bad. It's not a sort of s uh weird sort of moralistic anti sex thing at all. It's simply about where you're putting your focus. So when you're a when you're a monk You're giving up. family life, you're giving up sexual relationships, you're giving up romance, you're giving up all of that so that you can

22:52 Focus very intense. Intensely. On meditation practice. with the purpose that you can eventually help others. It's not a selfish thing as you're doing this so that you can be of more benefit to others, but you want no distractions.

23:06 And also you you at a deeper level you want to start to experiment With what happens When you Don't immediately run after a desire.

23:19 You start to experiment with Trying to Not suppress your desire because that's incredibly unhealthy. But watch your desire. And observe it.

23:30 And find out that you are more than your desire. And so Celibac is a an amazing environment to start doing that work. And that also means no masturbation and those kinds of things. Yeah. I mean it's it's really about Working with desire.

23:47 rather than just when I say working with I mean ex it it Observing it and Learning ways to transform it. Rather than just giving into it or suppressing it.

23:59 And I wouldn't say celibacy's for everybody, but it suits a certain type of Person. Mm-hmm. And you know, in in Buddhism in general, there are in in

24:11 in the UK or America there's thousands and thousands and thousands of Buddhists, but maybe a small handful of monks who become celibate. particular way to practice Buddhism. It's not the only way. I'm inquiring about this subject because it's actually because of a conversation I was having with a really good friend of mine over New Year's who's had some troubles in

24:29 His life. um has struggled in relationships, has struggled professionally, has also struggled a little bit with purpose and meaning. And has now sort of started to investigate religion. And one of the things he said to me, because there's a particular stranglehold that his sexual desires has over him is that he was thinking about abstain from masturbation and sex just for a short period of time. I think actually.

24:52 the reason for that is kind of what you've described there, which is just to try and separate get back control from desire. He'll need to meditate. Mm. Because just abstaining From the thing you want to The thing you're desperate to do and you're abstaining.

25:08 Almost like locking yourself in a cage. And saying I won't I won't Do that thing. Then w what are you replacing it with or

25:16 Yeah. So so so for example when I work in uh you know, I I often teach meditation in drug rehab centers. I talk a lot about how okay, yes, you've had to give up the drug that was making you ill. But that's not the whole story. The the the rest of the story is what are you going to do about the mind that is addicted to that substance and how are you going to resolve that? How are you going to fill the The hole inside that was

25:41 Craving something. Uh okay. So with the meditation. You're not just giving up something, you're learning to fill your fill your own

25:51 spirit with something more positive for yourself. Almost to heal from the thing that was had the desire. Yeah, yeah. Desire is such an interesting thing because it's uh we think we want something But what's going on under the desire is a feeling of lack, a feeling of hopelessness, a feeling I don't have, there's something missing. And so Meditation is about filling that.

26:13 with with light and with with love. You know, the deepest addiction we all have is the addiction to our own thoughts. Hm. That that's the that's really the root of it all. Is that a wanting thought Arises in

26:27 the my mind. And then I jump on it and I want to get something to kind of alleviate that. But it's that internal attachment. Buddhism talks a lot about non-attachment. And I think this is widely misunderstood. People think it means you're supposed to be, you know, detached and have no friends and

26:45 The unattached. It doesn't mean that at all. It means how we're so attached to our thoughts and our emotions and they get into the driving seat and send our life in all kinds of directions we don't want it to go in. How do we learn to transform that inner attachment to the thoughts itself. And that's obviously where meditation comes in.

27:05 Let's talk about Buddhism then. So I said to you before we start recording that in the last sort of twelve months or so I've got really interested in Buddhism. I uh started reading some books about Buddhism. And I find it to be most aligned with This sounds like a strange thing to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway. with almost like the medication that I need.

27:25 And I know it's not a medication, but it is a deep medicine. It's a medicine, it's a science. To me it's not so much a religion and it is more of a medicine or a science. Yeah, I struggled with the Religions.

27:39 I I was Christian growing up, but I've struggled with like deities and gods and these kinds of things because there's like five thousand different gods through history. So I don't really know which one's real and there's lots of books and I'm still on that journey. But when I found Buddhism It wasn't framed like the other religions. I thought it was much more compelling. What is Buddhism? Can you tell me where it's come from? Is it a religion? Is there a god? Do I have to worship? Do I go to hell, heaven?

28:03 There's n there's nothing to worship at all. Buddhism is a path to to um inner internal understanding. The word Buddha means awake. And yes, Buddhism has a hist history in that there was somebody called the Buddha in India two thousand five hundred years ago who attained awakening and gave teachings and Buddhism, you could call it that, has come from there. But actually this word Buddhism is a a modern word. Ism is a modern word. What in the original languages of Buddhism, such as Sanskrit and Tibetan. You find terms that Are so different from religion. You ta find terms

28:39 Yeah. such as the science of awareness. or the the um the examination of awakening, the inner in inner awareness it's a path of mental discovery it's a science

28:52 So it's not a religion, per se? Technically it is. If you define a religion as a group spiritual purpose and there are monasteries, there are organisations within Buddhism, but it also defies most categorisations around religion. Bec because it doesn't believe in a creator, it doesn't believe in somebody somebody to worship. It b it's really about the power of your own mind. And is there a hell and a heaven in Buddhism?

29:19 They talk about hell and heaven as um uh states of mind. They talk about everything as a state of mind, they say this is a state of mind. Buddhism is very much about exploring the the fabric of reality. The this table, this body, this this so called self ideas of hell, heaven. They say these are all mental experiences. Everything is mind according to Buddhism.

29:43 So you get to the monastery. Yeah. Talk to me about your journey of healing. So I was quite ill for a while in the monastery and they kinda left me alone. They they let me rest a lot. I did little light little bits of light work around the monastery, started to

29:59 Meditation. Um You know, I I actually hated meditation when I first did it. Th this was a problem. You know, I I believed in it.

30:11 I grew up in a Buddhist family. Th there's been this kind of faith in Buddhism as I grew up, and I never actually did anything. I never I never meditated, then I get to a monastery and I become a monk. And I re read the small print.

30:26 You know, you gotta meditate. And I hated it. I really, really hated it and I thought oh the what am I gonna do? I really don't enjoy this at all. I find it an enormous struggle. So I struggled a lot with meditation in those early days, days, weeks, months even.

30:42 Why did you hate it? I hated it. Because I was doing it In a way that was making me more stressed.

30:51 I would sit down I I thought that meditation Is about clearing the mind. I'd heard this phrase clear your mind. I thought that's what you do. So I sat there

31:03 trying to clear my mind. And the more I tried to Clear my mind the louder it was. was shouting. And that Uh particularly that negative voice I told you about, that you are no good, you're rubbish, you're

31:15 You're awful, you'll fail. That became louder and louder. And so the meditation became incredibly stressful'cause I thought I I can't do this, I can't I can't gr get rid of my thoughts. Of course now since Now I've discovered it's nothing to do with clearing the mind, but because I thought it was, I struggled enormously. What is it then?

31:33 It's nothing to do with clearing the mind. It's not about putting yourself in an unconscious state at all. It's about Working with your mind. So it's about learning how to be less Controlled by your mind.

31:49 But it's not about getting rid of the thoughts. In fact the thoughts are quite helpful. No, they actually Help you to meditate. You see, what I was doing in those early days was I thought, okay, just sit down And just

32:03 push everything away and go into the kind of zen state. And of course th that's just like suppression, isn't it? You're just trying to suppress You're trying to push It's like tr it's like trying to get a small child to sit still in the in their

32:17 high chair while you're feeding them. They're gonna you know, they're gonna Wanna move around. So It's not about that pushing away of thoughts. I mean you've got to ask yourself if if if that was the aim, well why why would it be the aim? Imagine if you could clear your mind. So what you have ten minutes of just being blank.

32:38 And then you carry on with your day. Where's the where's the Journey. Wha what journey is that you just

32:46 passed out on the floor for ten minutes. Might as well sleep asleep or something. Yeah, yeah. And I can fully understand that if if you're if you're really tr stirred up and miserable and stressed, the idea of ten minutes of switching it off Would be great. But it's not the solution, it doesn't work.

33:03 What is the solution? So so it is definitely about changing your relationship with your thoughts. So Okay, so a typical meditation practice is you sit and you focus On your breathing. It's it's different from breath work. You're not breathing

33:20 in a particular way. You're not trying to breathe slowly, deeply, or anything. You're just breathing normally. You know, just let the breath do its own thing and you're focused on it. So on paper that sounds really clear and clean and simple, focus on your breath. The reality is it's really messy.

33:37 Because you focus on your breath and within A few seconds you're thinking about shopping lists or food or sex or anything, you know, the mind just goes. That's when the work starts. Because at some point you realise your mind has wandered.

33:53 Okay, that's when many people think they've failed. you know, they were they were meditating, they were with the breath, and then they realised they're thinking about emails they need to write or shopping or whatever. And then they think oh I'm I'm a failure and they very angrily bring themselves back to the breath. That's just gonna make you more stressed.

34:11 Because you're actually training in in feeling like a failure. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. So I can relate. I mean, it takes me seven seconds to drift off when I'm trying to meditate. So it's not that at all. It it's that you You're with the breath. And then your mind wanders. It's not even that you see your mind wandering, you kinda find out afterwards, don't you?

34:30 It it's not it's not like I'm with the breath and I can see my mind step away from the breath and then go to a thought. It's more that I'm with my breath I pass out and I wake up the other side of town. Yeah. That is the meditation. Waking up inside your thoughts. Th that is the definition of meditation. So you haven't failed at all.

34:50 You are meditating because what happened was you're with the breath, you got lost. You lost your mind. And then you found your mind again. Because you're back. You suddenly realize, Oh, where was I? I'm supposed to be meditating. So that is meditation. You're back with your awareness.

35:05 And then you gently Bring yourself back to the breath. And actually all you're doing is those three things throughout the session. Either you're with the breath. Or you're noticing that you got lost.

35:16 Or you're returning. And it's that that returning That makes you strong. Every time you return to the breath you you are making a very powerful decision. that's the attachment or the addiction to the thoughts. The mind was lost in those thoughts and you are

35:32 recapturing your attention and bringing it back. So you are choosing. Where to send your mind? And if you do this like an exercise. Almost like going to the gym and getting strong. Day after day, week after week.

35:47 You you're you're teaching yourself how to choose to be happy. And how to choose not to suffer. So Such a simple technique on paper. You know, focus on your breath.

35:59 Come back when you get lost. Is actually Profoundly transformative. psychologically. Because I think most people listening to this assume that they're kind of strapped to their thoughts.

36:13 And their thoughts are the car. driving wherever it wants to go and we're just strapped to the back of it, our ankles tied to the back of it with a piece of rope. Yeah. Absolutely. And we just kinda suffer consequences. Hijacked by our thoughts. Yeah, hijacked is a great great you know, it stormed the like Yeah. Wherever it wants to go. Exactly. That's kind of the experience we have. So then you meditation puts you behind the wheel of the car. Most people haven't had the experience you've had.

36:40 Training yourself. To sort of disassociate or Realize that you're not your thoughts. So as someone that's on the other side of this practice How can you persuade me? But

36:53 My life will be better if I listen to this. Like what's the before and after, I guess, for you? So I don't think everybody has to join a monastery and do extreme retreats and the kind of things I do. It maybe that's my

37:05 My kind of extreme nature. I I have so many friends who meditate while they have families and busy jobs and they they do fifteen minutes a day or twice a day or whatever, it can absolutely be done in anybody's Lifestyle.

37:20 The whole point is that you are learning to find your own inner freedom. you're learning to how to discover that you you are bigger than the pain and suffering that seems to drive your life. Because what what I described earlier with the coming back to the breath is is that first stage of learning to Gain a bit more power.

37:39 around what your mind is doing. And then what is so interesting is when you start to think about Okay, when when I'm Unhappy.

37:49 When I'm Angry or whatever. If I am observing myself being unhappy Is the observer unhappy? Is the is the observer angry?

38:00 And if I feel angry and I know I'm angry the part of my mind that's looking at the anger cannot be angry. Because it's seeing the anger. So so in Buddhism they they they use a metaphor to describe this, which is the sky and the clouds. The clouds Can be heavy and rainy and all of that, but the sky is always bigger than the clouds. So our awareness of our minds that that's where we can find

38:23 our freedom. And when we talk about seeking purpose and seeking what are we looking for in life, I think that's what we're looking for all the time. in everything we do, whether it be big life goals or you know drinking a cup of coffee or water, uh small moments, in every moment We're looking for release or freedom. We think we're looking to feel happy. Or we think we're looking for love or sex or or whatever it is.

38:49 But I think what we're really looking for is to free ourselves from from suffering and to free ourselves from need. And to to be free, to be more in touch with Who we really are. I think that's what we're looking for. And when when you meditate and you step back and look at your mind

39:07 that observational aspect is is key. To become this guy. Yeah. to become the sky rather rather than the clouds.

39:17 And then I think it can change your life. Because You You know when I first met my teacher He he was quite a straight talking person. He he w he he wouldn't

39:29 You know, And what he said was often Could be sound sound a little bit harsh, but he said it with love. And when I first met him, I'd go on about all the stuff that was happening with me, or had happened with me, or to me. And he just says stop taking yourself so seriously. And

39:46 Initially that could sound like a slap in the face. I mean imagine if you went to a therapist and they said what you've been through as peanuts. You know, stop taking yourself seriously. But he didn't mean it like that. What he meant was stop clinging to a s kind of solidity. Stop making your your thoughts and feelings and your past and make it so solid. Make try to be the sky instead of the clouds. Try to step back and be less solid about everything. Buddhism is very much into this

40:13 notion that they call emptiness, which isn't emptiness in terms of a kind of vacuous void, but more the that things are illusory, things aren't as real and solid and heavy as we think they are. And I think meditation can help us to think more in that way and find more happiness. M real happiness. Not not the happiness that depends on I will be happy if I will be happy when

40:36 I can only be happy because that's a very limited happiness. But imagine if you could be happy no matter what. Is that what Buddhism helps us to do? I think Buddhism is about freedom and I think freedom is happy no matter what. And I think w more than that, I think it's also about compassion. I uh uh the way I'm describing it could sound like this is all just about one's own personal development and freeing oneself and becoming happier, but The key point is

41:03 We're living in a connection, a world of connection and How can we genuinely help others? I think through freeing our minds and helping others to do the same. Can I be in that state of mind where I am the sky while also being incredibly effective in my job as a CEO? Yeah, I think this is this is possibly one of the misconceptions.

41:25 Yeah, this is something I came across quite early on in when I was teaching meditation. I started to give talks about meditation in the workplace. Twenty five years ago, so before it became very popular. You know mindfulness is everywhere in in

41:40 But When I started it was uh quite unusual. And I did come across a lot of misconceptions. The funniest one was before I went into a boardroom to talk to the the people in there about meditation The

41:54 CEO took me to side and he said, um Please don't make them too relaxed. I said what do you mean? He said, Well I I like what you do, but I don't want them to become too relaxed. I said I'm not I'm not some kind of

42:08 Like stage hypnotist. I I'm not gonna walk into there and sort of, you know, put everyone into a trance. That's that's not What I do. But it was such an interesting conversation because it made me see that his view of meditation is that you would become this kind of spaced out

42:25 happy with everything, don't care, and you'd lose your drive. And it's absolutely not that at all because it's about precision, it's about being present, it's about being less controlled by distraction. be less controlled by negative thinking. And if you can do that, you can achieve more. So if you are a CEO, if you are trying to achieve something in your work.

42:47 And you meditate. it it can make you can work much, much harder and get less tired. And then also you can start to think more deeply about why. Am I doing the things I'm doing? And what am I really trying to achieve here? Some of the most famous CEOs in the world talk about their meditation practice, and this is why I've o also been s slightly compelled into it. I think for me, I'm the type of person that's very influenced by

43:11 other people that I kind of look up to. And so someone like Steve Jobs, who I think had a deep sort of spiritual practice which involved meditation, which I also think he cites as being much of the reason he was able to see round the corner. And be more of a visionary. Um, was one of the big points of inspiration for me to get more curious about Buddhism and meditation. Do you have any examples of like

43:32 very high productive very successful people that have Had Tremendous benefits from meditation as it relates to

43:41 Them being more successful in them. Missions, the professional missions. I mean I can't I can't think of specific individual names, but it's j it's just generally very well known that if you meditate it makes you more effective in your life. Because you are becoming your own boss. I mean, we talk about being your own boss, but how many of us are really Really our own boss.

44:03 you know, we can be the boss of other people, we can be the boss of our environment to a certain extent. But to be to be the CEO of your own mind. Very Very difficult. And so people who can do that

44:19 Definitely become more effective in the world. But I think what also happens is they start to think about how they could be really successful and then do some good with that success. Because they They start to think about well, is it all just about the success and the wealth, or is there something I could do with that success and wealth? Because meditation makes you more compassionate.

44:43 Meditation makes you more ethical. It makes you and not ethical in a kind of you know, uh the word ethics sounds so kind of Victorian and so kind of restrictive, but I mean Trying to make the world a better place. And I think there are many examples of people who've become enormously successful and used that success for the good of the world.

45:02 And I think meditation is something key in there. Success. I was just looking for a couple of examples and um Ray Dalio, who a lot of people know as one of the the best investors in the world, he wrote the book Principle said Meditation more than anything in my life is the biggest ingredient of whatever success I've had. And Mark Benioff, who's the CEO of Salesforce of tremendously large company said meditation is the most important thing I do each day. Oprah Winfrey. Jack Dorsey, let's say, who's a co founder of Twitter in Square said there's nothing more impactful on my work than meditation.

45:31 And Steve Jobs said, If you just sit and observe, you will see how restless your mind is. If you try to calm it, it only makes it worse, but over time It does come. And he practiced Zen Buddhism and was a regular meditator. And he um says that his minimalist design philosophy and focus were strongly influenced by his spiritual and meditative practices.

45:53 You see, I think the the Um The thing that trips people up. When they think about

46:00 how meditation could make you more effective is the word calm. Mm-hmm. Because they think oh well, if I become calm I'm gonna be I'm gonna miss I'm gonna drop the ball. Yeah. If I'm too calm

46:14 I but I don't think of calm in that way at all as almost like a tranquilized Calm. I think of calm as being able to keep a cool head under fire. And be really precise and really on the on the focus on in the now. And really Hold on to your purpose and know why you're doing

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48:40 Earlier on you said that In Buddhism they talk about an emptiness. Which is kind of this Realising that life isn't so Solid. Solid and your identity as a mirage and all these kinds of things.

48:54 It almost sounded like that's the opposite of like victimhood. Because when we think about victimhood, it is I create an identity for myself And then I create a story around that identity, which has suffered some kind of injustice. And then I kind of live out that injustice. How does Buddhism think about victimhood and identity?

49:13 And trauma, I guess. So of course we identify incredibly strongly with our past. And we in so many ways are prisoners of what has happened to us. And it's not a It's totally understandable, of course. But

49:27 Buddhism brings in a whole fresh perspective, which is that you are not your past. I mean, even on a physical level, every cell in your body has changed and your mind has changed. You are you are right now in the present. The past is Is an illusion. As is the future. And we spend so much time

49:45 in the past and future or trying to manipulate the present. Whereas with with meditation you're learning to To be In the now and not

49:55 Uh it doesn't mean you don't plan or don't remember, but you're learning to be l to cling less. to the past and future. And you're learning to cling less to Or hold less to the idea that things are really as solid as you think they are. I mean, it's very scientific. Th there's a there's a Buddhist uh meditation. Which literally is about a table, like you know, here we are. Yeah.

50:16 And they say if you if you take apart this table You'll find it doesn't exist. Because the table as it seems right now is is a is a Top with legs. And now where is your notion of table, you've got these bits of wood or metal or whatever it is.

50:34 And you start kind of dissecting that further and further and further. Uh th this is where Buddhism and and and particle physics become, you know, talking a lot. There's a lot of conversation there. in that the the smaller and smaller you go into these these wood shavings and then particles and Can you find the smallest part that makes up all of reality?

50:55 And Buddhists would say no, because if it's a part, it has parts. Yeah. There is no such thing as the partless Particle. Yeah.

51:03 Because if it's a particle it can be s uh s further subdivided. So We can't find the smallest base that makes up all of matter. what we're experiencing is more like a dream or an illusion. And uh the reality we live in, of course it feels very solid. You know, if I if if I throw this this cup at somebody, it's gonna hit their head. And hurt them. But

51:27 The idea behind this philosophy of understanding things not to be as solid as they are, is that we can learn to suffer less because we spend so much of our energy constantly reacting to things as if they're really solid and really real and there's nothing that can be done about them, whether that be f people or objects in the world around us or our mind itself. And if we can desolidify some of that. We could become more free.

51:51 We all carry so many burdens in this regard. You know, it could be grief, it could be heartbreak, it could be a colleague at work that doesn't dislike us, a comment in our Instagram page of someone some Something someone said about us. How does one go about alleviating ourselves from

52:09 This kind of burden. Yeah. So I for me it it's very much about um Dropping the story. And looking at the feeling. Okay.

52:21 Explain it to me. So For me this became Very uh very Yeah.

52:29 important practice for me when I was in a long retreat. So I went into a very long retreat for four years. I became a monk for a year, and then I stayed a bit longer, stayed a bit longer. It was after about four years that I I decided to do this for life and I took lifelong vows. And then I knew about these long I did some short retreats, but I knew about these long retreats.

52:51 But it wasn't until twelve years later that the opportunity came up to go into a long retreat. uh four years long where you are really just cut off from the world. But that length of time no no Nobody goes in or out and you are

53:05 meditating many, many hours a day. And it was the most fr frightening experience of my life. because I I was in there alone with with my own thoughts and emotions. It's not a completely solitary retreat. There are other monks there all doing their own meditation in their rooms. So there is a kind of group, but you are very much alone as well. And for me The whole thing was for the first two years

53:30 was just horrific amounts of depression, misery, pain. Anguish. anxiety that would build into panic attacks. I I was really, really shocked what happened to me in there. Because I I I think I thought I'd you know, I'd been a monk for twelve years and I'd already started to You know, give a few talks about meditation and and

53:51 maybe I thought I was quite sort, but I w I wasn't and I got in there and really fell apart. But it was an amazing thing that happened to me because that Falling apart forced me. after a while to to learn how to Engage with

54:07 what I'm talking about, which is looking at the suffering and working with that. With meditation. Looking at the suffering. So for me, during those first two years of the retreat I was completely obsessed with the story. Because I I was experiencing these

54:24 Horrendous feelings of heartbreak. And feelings of depression. uh anxiety, just kind of a whole mass of suffering inside myself. And I was tr I was trying to almost do therapy on myself and think, okay, let's you know, thinking that memories were coming up from the past and thinking about things that had happened in my past and is this why I'm suffering now and how do I resolve that?

54:49 And the more I went down that road The worse it got. And I found myself really disconnected. From Buddhism.

54:59 And it was a really frightening experience because I I'm there in a four year retreat, I'm a monk. And I'm f I was feeling completely alienated from the whole thing. I I kinda wanted to just get away from it. I wanted to run away.

55:13 And things only changed when I hit rock bottom. Thank you Hugely. In that I actually

55:21 I climbed over the wall of the retreat to run away. I couldn't take it anymore. I I w at one morning I had the most immense panic attack I've ever had. And I just

55:31 Like saw red and just ran and legged it out of the retreat. Which is un uh is unthinkable, you know, in a four year retreat, you're not supposed to leave, but I jumped over the wall and tried to escape. I say tried to escape as if I was in some kind of, you know, prison or cult. It's not like that. People do leave retreats, but for me it was this kind of dramatic Get out of there and run away. And I remember um Like freaking out.

55:57 And running. And running and running down this road in the rain. remote area of the Scottish island. And then just stopping and thinking, What are you doing? What what has happened to you? And I just stopped and then went back.

56:12 And I asked the leaders of the retreat if I could be let back in and they said, Well no, you've left. But I really begged them because I I had such clarity in that moment I wanted to go back in and they said, Okay The abate of my monastery said, Okay, stay stay in a little caravan on the edge of the retreat boundary for a week for seven days and think about what you're doing.

56:33 And then we'll see if he will let you back in. And during that time I I thought really deeply and I re I really knew I wanted to go back in because there was at that moment a thought of shall I give up being a monk? Shall I give up the whole thing? I I can't do this, it's made me so miserable. But I I really knew in that moment what

56:52 what my purpose was. I knew I wanted to go back in and carry on. But I also knew I'd been Tormenting myself with my past. And that I hadn't worked out how to

57:06 How to heal myself. I I w I'd been sinking so badly and I if I was to go back in there, I would have to try a completely new approach. Why did you choose to go back in? Because I I really strongly believed that it was What I want to do with my life.

57:25 And a part of me thought don't give something up when you're freaking out. Because you will regret it. If you're gonna give this thing up. give it up from a place of clarity, knowing that there's something better for you out there. Don't give up because you're having a panic attack and you can't take it.

57:40 That's the wrong kind of Timing. To make a life change. Because I do I I really do believe in what I'm doing.

57:50 I This is the life I've chosen for myself and I want to do it. But it got so difficult I couldn't take it anymore. If something is painful and causing you any gas, it's not a good thing. This pain I'm going through

58:06 I've g the the met the methods are there. I just need to know how to use them and I could learn to conquer this. I I th this pain could could be the breakthrough. Most people in in their lives when they think about the things that give them anxiety or pain or fear You know, we live as sort of discomfort avoiding humans, so we try and run to Run to comfort or pleasure. Exactly. So

58:28 W life is hard. Let's run from it. Exactly. Let's get on a plane. Fly to another country. And try and just set up a new life somewhere else. Because you go to your new life and the thing that has been haunting you like a shadow goes with you. You can't run from yourself.

58:45 You can you can run it to the end of the earth and that thing That has been tormenting you is part of you. And until you learn to integrate that. It will always trip you up. And so I went back into that retreat knowing

59:00 Okay, this is your last chance. If you don't if you if you mess this up again, that that's it. You know, forget it. So it was a real like make or break situation. And I went back in and I I I um

59:17 Everything changed. Because I found I I I had to find a new a a different way of dealing with that suffering. What was that? Okay, so I'm back in there and it's coming up again.

59:29 The depression, the anxiety, the The pain That to me it felt like it it felt like like somet something like w that was piercing me. It felt like a It felt like there was like a knife constantly twisting.

59:47 Twisting and turning in my heart. Right in the middle of me. It's really painful. And up until that point was just trying to get that knife out.

59:57 And also thinking, why is it there? Is it because of what happened to me when I was fourteen? Is it what happened to me when I was seventeen? Is it this? Is it that? Is it my My family. That's the story. I say story I'm not I'm I'm not belittling people's stories I'm just saying it's the narrative, isn't it?

1:00:18 So I I decided to m to use the knife as the meditation. to to actually meditate on it. And and uh the the whole thing starts to change when you do that. Because until that point you've been tr if Until that point you've been trying to get rid of your suffering.

1:00:38 Or get rid of your pain. But if you turn your pain into your meditation, you're moving towards it. And How can it hurt you if you've decided to move towards it? You you you've made that choice.

1:00:53 So what I started to do was just focus on the pain. But try to bypass the judgments. I don't like this. This is so terrible. Why am I depressed? Why am I anxious? And just feel the feeling. And it's a sensation in the body. Because one of the key um

1:01:12 Instructions in meditation is when you focus your mind, you focus it with less judgment. This is good, this is bad, you just focus. So you're focusing on that feeling. without pushing it away, without saying, Why do I feel like this? But just the feeling.

1:01:27 And it you start it starts to change. It starts to change because You're accepting it. my my teachers had always said to me they'd always go on and on about acceptance and I just I just wanted to hit them when they said it'cause it sounded so grim. Yeah, you've got to accept yourself or you've got to accept your suffering.

1:01:48 To me that sounded like you're gonna for the rest of your life be dragging this bag of rocks up a hill. You know, acceptance is so miserable and so boring. I didn't realise that what they meant was Was compassion. and self acceptance at a very, very deep level.

1:02:04 So so I was I'm I'm focusing on that feeling in my body. and try not to go into the stories about it or the hatred of it. and just move towards it and and kind of become Become one with that pain. And then you relax and something kind of releases.

1:02:22 And I mean, I think it works on a chemical level, because basically when you're when you're trying to push pain away, you're creating enormous amounts of uh cortisol in your body, stress hormone. when you relax the endorphins arise, you start to feel happy. I mean, it's quite bizarre that the thing that has hurt you so much starts to turn into a kind of joyful feeling. And you start to think oh Wow, okay, so happiness

1:02:45 is nothing to do with somebody being nice to me or this object or that Thing happiness is about Being okay with your suffering. Um I'm Um

1:02:56 Not just being okay with it, but actually sending love. Into the the place in yourself that you hated so much. So for for me, um that what started to change was

1:03:09 from m from from having a feeling like a knife twisting inside me and hurting me and wanting to get rid of it. I found ways to hold that with With love. And I I started to have this image in my head of uh as if I had found a

1:03:26 Like a frightened rabbit or bird with a broken wing and I'm holding that in my hand. With tenderness. I'd never been able to do that for myself. I had never ever been able to be kind to myself.

1:03:40 Everything in my life until the up until that point had been so harsh. And so self- Self hating. And and I think You know, in my

1:03:51 teenage years when I w was trying to become a uh successful actor. I think that was the drive was I I hate myself, so I better get loads of people to love me instead'cause I can't do it. I'm not saying all actors are like that by no means, but there is a kind of actor who is like that. We know that, and that was me. And then, you know, even as a as a

1:04:12 as a monk and you become celibate and you're you're you know, having this kind of more like looking after yourself, lifestyle. I develop all these incredibly strong attachments with friends where I'd want them to be nice to me and I didn't want to be alone with myself. I couldn't spend time alone with myself. And then in the first two years of that retreat, I'm hating myself and hating my pain and jumping over the wall and anything to kinda jump out of my own skin. And when I

1:04:37 Learn how to do this. Kind of practice with Sending compassion. into that part of myself that I'd hated so much, it it It was really transformative.

1:04:49 Should have felt like Holding a scared rabbit or a bird with a broken wing. How did you come to feel about that bird? I felt um I felt

1:05:00 Love for that part of myself. And For me That's only possible when you

1:05:08 stop getting so distracted by all the history. And the the the the details of your past. But you're just relating to the feeling in your body right now. And f I I don't know if it's like this for everybody, but for me feeling it in the body is a really easy way to start because Yeah, it's depression, it's anxiety, it's trauma, whatever it is. That's quite kinda nebulous. How do you find it? And for me it was so physical.

1:05:34 It was like this twisting of a knife in the heart or sinking feeling in the in the chest. And just to relate to that sensation with kindness. taught me how to Love myself, but

1:05:48 It's not about You know. coming an ego maniac. I love myself is more Have kindness for yourself. How does this translate to things like grief?

1:05:58 Because grief is one of the the hardest things to get to acceptance on, the f sort of finality of life, losing someone you love. You you've been through this yourself. You you had a I think a best friend of yours, he was Well, my teacher. Oh, your teacher. Well. He was my best friend as well as my teacher. He he he was murdered.

1:06:16 He was in so eleven years ago, my teacher, Akon Rinpache who had been my everything for all those years. You know, he he was my teacher My closest friend. I also I spent a lot of time with him, I became his kind of assistant, so when he would travel I was with him all the time. So we were very close. He was Tibetan.

1:06:36 And He was in charge of our monastery in Scotland. And His work was he would run

1:06:44 A charity. Call Rockpa, which has um Oh that's him. Um He would go to Tibet.

1:06:51 Every yeah. And um Look after Projects there. feeding orphans, looking after schools, hospitals, et cetera. He was on his way to Tibet.

1:07:01 one year and he was in Chengdu in China and he was um Basically ambushed and stabbed. Killed. And I mean this completely rocked the Buddhist world. It's like r you know, horrendous news, but on a personal level for me

1:07:17 I was one of the first people who found out. I'd I've been on the phone to him every day until then. I was his assistant and very working very closely with him. So it compl it completely th like Blew me apart. I mean it blew me to pieces. I cannot describe.

1:07:37 how badly it blew me to pieces. But The meditation I've Describe to you Saw me through.

1:07:50 Because I At some point during that grieving process. I remembered what to do. At first I didn't,'cause you know when you're really in it in it, you You can't think but then

1:08:05 So there was the whole aftermath, you know, he was killed and it was in in all the press and then as his assistant, I was the one dealing with the media and in a way that You saying busy. When you're grieving it kinda helps you to

1:08:18 you know, stay focused, but then the nights The nights was night time was when it started to Hurt. Because at night I would just be tossing and turning and feeling like feeling like I was on fire.

1:08:34 Because I had a mixture of grief, anger, despair. There's a whole mixture of things. We knew the killer. The person who murdered him had been a monk. uh Tibetan, uh he had been a monk in our monastery, we knew him. He actually had the same name as me.

1:08:50 And We knew him quite well, so There was all of that mixed in with What on earth happened to this person that he did this thing and

1:08:59 So all of that is consuming me at night and I'm just tossing and turning and feeling like like I'm in flames, and then at some point it kicked in. the the meditation, it just ha it just happened because I'd done it in retreat. It had seen me through it. It had really, really helped me. And at some point I just had to lie there and send love into the flames. In me.

1:09:21 You know, I had to send send that kindness into The place I was in despair. I'm not saying that I then just became all right. No, but it it Absolutely. Calm things. Absolutely.

1:09:35 And it it is it is it is all about love. It really is. You are sending love into The pain you are experiencing. And this helped me through the grief. It helped me also with forgiveness, with the the guy we knew who did it. It helped me on so many levels. And I'm not saying that it w you know it's it's all okay.

1:09:55 But I have I I've made peace with his death. And I mean he taught me this practice. He taught me how to do that. And then he died and I had to do it.

1:10:09 Yeah. I I think of it as his last gift to me. And um I'm you know, I I I'm I will be forever grateful.

1:10:20 When you talk about sending love into the flames. What is the the actual practice there? Is it certain sentences you're saying? No. Thinking. I'm glad you asked this because it it is so much about Going beyond the words.

1:10:35 And going into an experience of oneness. So so to make it really practical, you know, you you're feeling You're feeling incredible. Trauma in your body. So

1:10:46 finding it physic is the easiest way to do it. Like your your body's in flames or you've got like a feeling of a knife twisting in your heart, whatever it is, there's this feeling in the body And first of all, you just focus on that feeling. So anybody who who meditates knows how to focus on their breathing. It's the same thing.

1:11:06 It's just where you're focusing. So you're feeling the feeling. And you're trying to bypass the thoughts of this is uncomfortable, I want this to go away, why did he die? What happened? You're just feeling the feeling. And then You pay attention to that feeling. In a loving way.

1:11:28 You you flood it with love. And the reason this is possible, I mean that this is Touching upon a major a major belief in Buddhist philosophy, which is that our minds are naturally Compassionate.

1:11:43 We are not These Fight or flight. Some people like

1:11:50 To think the human being is. We are Our natural state is to be kind. It is who we are naturally deep down. So when you clear away all the

1:12:01 The words and the the ideas and you just sit with the feeling. And you send love into that feeling with your mind. You're just loving that feeling, holding it with compassion. As if you were with a friend who was grieving.

1:12:14 And if you if you were sitting with a friend who was freaking out or grieving or whatever You will hold their hand. And we all know how to do that. Yeah. question is can you do it for yourself?

1:12:30 And for me that was a huge challenge because I hated myself so much for so many years. I was my worst enemy. So to hold my own hand. Internally in that sense. That's what I mean by sending love into the feeling.

1:12:45 And what happens then is the feeling starts to change. it starts to melt the sharpness, the sharp edge of is edges of it start to melt. And you start to be okay with being not okay. And It's almost as if a kind of happiness starts to arise, but it's not like a

1:13:05 It's the kind of happiness you haven't tasted before. It's the happiness of I can be okay with this. It makes you immensely strong. You talked about forgiveness.

1:13:19 Did you forgive the man that murdered your friend and teacher? Yes. quite quickly. I I mean in a way it was made easier because it became really clear that he was psychotic. And of course that's no excuse or condoning or anything like that, but somebody who is really unable to control themselves.

1:13:42 I mean, how can you hate them or whatever, you know, it's That's an extreme case, but there are The practice of forgiveness. It's a hard one, isn't it? Because we we've all got people in our lives that we think might have wronged us or done something to us which has caused us pain.

1:13:58 And almost the way that we Great. Our own perception of justice is by holding the grudge. Yeah. Why do we do that? That's like that's the question is do we think

1:14:12 Do we think that if we let go of the grudge We have let the other person get away with it. That's how it kinda feels, right? Wouldn't you say that by holding the grudge they've got away with it? Because

1:14:24 You're the one suffering. They've really won. They're winning in each moment. Because You're holding on to them. And

1:14:32 Buddhism as a Teaching that says it's like holding on to a piece of hot metal. Or holding a hot coal in your hand. And it's just burning you. So if I'm holding the grudge, they have absolutely got away with it because they are

1:14:45 The thing they did, which was one thing, maybe I am now Constantly hurting And they're absolutely the winner. So for I w I wonder if we we assume I think we do assume that forgiveness is a kind of giving up.

1:15:00 Even the word forgive, the give So it sounds like we're taking a weaker position, we're giving up, we're sort of surrendering. But I think forgiveness is a strength or a power. And

1:15:13 it's actually nothing to do with the other person. They might you you're not gonna necessarily write them a letter and say, I've forgiven you. But you're freeing yourself. You're dropping your burden. Because that rage is toxic.

1:15:26 And that hurt is toxic. It's so hard to let go of it. And people can say let go and you just want to slap them in the face because what, okay, is it that easy? I'm just gonna let go. You know, it's not that easy. It's bloody hard. But meditation gives gives you the tools.

1:15:45 Partly because meditation anyway is is helping to loosen up that kind of glue that we have in our minds where we're glued into those Feelings that Even just a simple meditation. Like coming back to the breath.

1:15:58 is helping you to be less glued into those thoughts and reactions and feelings. So the feeling of rage can start to Be less heavy for you. You've been through several sort of traumat incidents. You talked about being fourteen, being seventeen, sexual abuse, parent parental divorce, a little bit of neglect, it sounds like as well. Have you forgiven all of those people in your life? I don't know. I don't know if forgiveness is a big

1:16:26 huge, massive moment, or if it's a process. I'm friends with all those people. Very close friends with all those people. And I think

1:16:39 Here's what I think. I think I've learnt how to forgive the feelings. that those incidents happen. gave rise to. Mm-hmm.

1:16:49 That to me is much more important than Forgiving the people. Yeah. And I think what's also happened to me is I've started to Find that the suffering

1:17:03 That I experienced has some use. Because it is the thing that you're using for your Mental transformation. Mm.

1:17:14 Rinpoche always used to say, um, suffering is like compost. Compost is made of rotten vegetables. People chuck it away or they know how to make the field grow. And I I think it's like that. So with forgiveness, um

1:17:30 I would say, yeah, meditation, but I would say also thinking thinking deeply about About the situation. You know, what's really helped me With with my dad and with Other people

1:17:46 is to think about the suffering they were going through that Kind of like propelled them to behave the way they've behaved. There's always something, isn't there? in somebody that has made them behave the way they behave.

1:17:57 And there's a part of us that gets very indignant and thinks how dare they? They should know better. Whereas the Buddhist answer would be Well what what do you mean they should know better? They know what they know. There They are They are driven by their own confusion and their own pain.

1:18:13 Wha why do you think they were out to get you? Why do you think they were deliberately out to maliciously get you? Weren't they just caught in their own suffering and you you were there. But it's not so much about you.

1:18:27 And I think that starts to lighten the burden a bit when you start to think about You know, there's a meditation I sometimes do where you you swap places with the other person in your mind. You sit and you think about being them. And looking at the world out of their eyes. The person that hurt you. Yeah.

1:18:44 So many people will be thinking about that person in their life as you speak, and they'll be The challenge I guess they'll face is they'll Continually come back to this idea that this person is an asshole. Yeah. They that you know it almost We all are though. We are too, we all are. I am, we're all Because we're all just confused.

1:19:00 We're all at the mercy of our own minds. If you meditate regularly you realise how out of control you are. Because you're you're trying to sit there with your breathing and all you're thinking about is shopping lists. And you think, wow, the human mind is really Pretty messed up.

1:19:18 We can't make it do anything we want it to do. So this person that you think They're so evil and so terrible and how dare they do the thing they've done. I'm not saying that we're condoning it and saying, Yeah, you can do what you want. Just saying

1:19:32 lighten up a bit because people are just doing their best. And sometimes their best is really bad. And that doesn't have to become your problem. It's not really about you. We'd we we obviously take things personally.

1:19:47 If something is done to you, of course you're gonna take it personally. But meditation helps you look at the three hundred and sixty degree view of a situation. rather than just from your perspective and Very important here that we don't get into that kind of victim shaming reality where you think, Oh

1:20:05 it's all about me and uh for them. It's it's not that at all. It's simply that you think We're all We're all messed up in various ways and it and that's the human condition. Make sure you keep what I'm about to say to yourself. I'm inviting ten thousand of you to come even deeper into the diary of a seo. Welcome to my inner circle. This is a brand new private community that I'm launching to the world. We have so many incredible things that happen that you are never shown. We have the briefs that are on my iPad when I'm recording the conversation. We have clips we've never released. We have behind the scenes conversations with the guests, and also the episodes that we've never ever released. And so much more.

1:20:45 In the circle, you'll have direct access to me. You can tell us what you want this show to be, who you want us to interview, and the types of conversations you would love us to have. But remember for now we're only inviting the first ten thousand people that joined before it closes. So if you want to join our private closed community, head to the link in the description below or go to D Oac Circle dot com. I will speak to you then. I'm gonna let you into a little bit of a secret. You're probably gonna think me and my team are a little bit weird, but I can still remember to this day when Jemima from my team posted on Slack that she changed the scent. In this studio, and right after she posted it, the entire office clapped in our Slack channel. And this might sound crazy, but at the diary of a CEO, this is the type of one percent improvement we make on our show. And that is why the show is the way it is. By understanding the power of compounding one percents, you can absolutely change your outcomes in your life.

1:21:35 It isn't about drastic transformations or quick wins. consistent actions that have a lasting change in your outcomes. So two years ago we started the process of creating this beautiful diary, and it's truly beautiful. Inside there's lots of pictures, lots of inspiration and motivation as well, some interactive elements. And the purpose of this diary is to help you identify Stay focused on, develop consistency with the one percent that will ultimately change your life. So if you want one for yourself or for a friend or for a colleague or for your team, then head to thediary.com right now. I'll link it below. Many of us live

1:22:13 Trapped in the life we have, I guess uh maybe the word trapped isn't the right word, but held back in many ways because of fear. And I wondered what Buddhism teaches us about fear in terms of fear of Taking risks or You know. Going and becoming

1:22:29 A Buddhist. a monk or starting a business, or pursuing a passion, or moving to Bali. Many of us have these these dreams, these callings, but we're trapped in Fear. And would you also agree that the fear

1:22:41 can be about those bigger things, but also it's a moment to moment. Subt anxiety that just like pervades everything. Yeah. It's both. To me this became

1:22:52 Hugely. Um Like obvious. When I came out of that four year retreat. Because I

1:23:01 I came out that retreat was two thousand and five to two thousand and nine. When I came out of that retreat, everybody had smartphones. During those four years the whole landscape of technology changed dramatically. smartphones, social media, the whole thing happened during that time.

1:23:18 And you hadn't been on the internet. No, no, we had nothing. Before my retreat some people had Blackberries and then that was it. And then suddenly it's all different. And I arrived in London and everybody's walking around with their face buried in phones and I I'm walk I you know, going up the escalator on the on the

1:23:35 Tube in London and the little billboards of moving images. Mm. That made me feel Does he? But where I'm going with this is is I I

1:23:45 I I'm I'm Maybe because I'd been in this unusual environment and now I'm back in normal reality, I see it with more of a shock. And I started to think

1:23:56 How much we've been Made to feel afraid all the time. when news media becomes digitalized and monetized and then you have to keep the person reading. We know the tricks that people have to do. We know we all know about clickbait. We all know about how the the headline of an article has to be shocking enough to make you read the article.

1:24:16 And then you see the ads, you don't actually find out the information until two thirds of the way down. You know, we know that. And we're all wise to that on one level, and then on the other level we're completely influenced by it. So we're now walking around in a world where we're constantly being told we are In danger. I'm not and I'm not here to you know, I'm not anti technology. It's great, it can do so many good things, but it's like food.

1:24:40 You gotta eat it in the right way. If you if you overeat, you get sick. If you not discerning about what you eat. You're gonna get ill. It's the same with technology. And so Yeah, fear is now used in every every walk of life. Fear is used uh more than ever in politics to to make us afraid so that we vote for people because of fear. Fear is used so much now to make us go shopping. Hurry up while stocks last. So what do we do about that when we live in a world that is

1:25:10 commercially driven or Driven by power dynamics that mean that Fear is just a great motivator and uh a great way to influence. I think we ha we have to protect our minds with meditation. Does this mean like throw your phone away and don't go outside? What does it mean?

1:25:26 Don't throw your phone away. Don't don't go and run away to the mountains. Learn to face the fear. Learn to be fearless in a f frightened world. And I think this is something very practical. Because I

1:25:40 I do this through practicing mic microscopic moments. Of meditation in busy situations. What does that mean? So I might be standing in a queue and I'll feel the ground under my feet.

1:25:52 I might be in an airport. Queing up. And instead of going into that impatience thing and The stressy mode or or checking my phone.

1:26:01 Oh. I'll do a mo moment of meditation. Something that's very important to me is to meditate every day. sitting down and doing it kind of formally, but also these micro moments throughout the day. Tiny moments where you just become aware of yourself. Become aware of the ground under your feet.

1:26:17 Become aware of your shoulders, drop your shoulders, be aware of them, be become aware of your breathing. And I find that if you do this in queues and traffic jams, it changes your entire reality. Because what are you doing? You're re you're rewi you're rewiring your own brain. Y you know how Whenever we're in a Stuck situation.

1:26:38 Like a queue or a traffic jam. We are wired to respond with tension and impatience. But if you s do a mic micro moment of mindfulness.

1:26:49 you're changing the wiring, you're teaching yourself that you can meet stress In a calm way. You can be okay with being stopped. in in the traffic. So what that does is it then makes you more fearless because you're almost like looking forward to the next traffic jam. Whereas most of us are just reacting to situations. Instead of reacting, you're thinking, Bring it on.

1:27:09 There is a gap, isn't there, between what happens and how we react. That's the crucial gap, the gap between impulse and action. Because so much is reaction. So so much I think we spend so much of our lives just reacting.

1:27:25 In in in the I feel hungry, so I eat, somebody says hello, I say hello. But even on a moment to moment basis. How much are we consciously living and how much are we just reacting? And so when we can find that gap between the impulse and the action and Make a different choice.

1:27:44 I think it's almost like in every moment we're we're standing up A fork in the road. In every moment. Wa one road is the road of reaction and the other road is the road of response. meditation helps you pause and see you could make a choice.

1:27:59 I don't have to get stressed out in traffic. I could instead be mindful or I don't have to get I don't have to my colleague at work is grumpy, I don't have to bite their head off and then regret it. I could I could hold back. So you say meditation is the solution. To many of the things we talked about today, including the response versus reaction talk in the road. Yeah so if you were making a plan for me from this day onwards. On how to implement meditation in my life. Yeah.

1:28:25 Um, what would that plan look like? First of all, chuck all those things away. Okay, all of this stuff on the desk. Paraphernamia. Okay, so on the desk I have like a sound healing bowl, some incense, some rings, some little I don't even know what these are. Yeah. So we're gonna chuck all the paraphernalia away. Okay, we're gonna bin all of it. Okay.

1:28:44 Let me You know, you don't need any equipment. There's a lot of Spiritual Tat, isn't there?

1:28:52 I mean just said it. Yeah. You know, it's about you and your mind. It's not about having Mm little symbols and incense and You don't need it. And okay, what is the plan?

1:29:06 The plan is to start with ten minutes a day. Okay, ten minutes a day. When Ideally morning, Okay.

1:29:14 Simply because you're starting your day right. And your cortisol level is highest in the morning. When you wake up there's a spike of cortisol. Bring it down with meditation. So I get up, I check my emails, check my WhatsApp, then meditate. I'm joking. If you want. No, no, tell me the the optimal way you're gonna be my meditate. Okay, get up straight away and meditate. Because you're starting your day

1:29:34 Right, and ten minutes is enough to start with, and the beauty of this is that you know they can show in brain scans Yeah. Ten minutes a day. After four days there'll be visible changes in your brain. So knowing that keeps you going because you think, Okay, this literally is like weight training.

1:29:49 I'm gonna get muscle. And what do I do? So I sit down somewhere. You sit down. And you're gonna focus on your breathing. But what I find really crucial is that you are not just launching yourself into it.

1:30:03 You are introducing a bit of compassion into the process. And this is what elevates the meditation from being just a kind of brain gym. into being something that takes you to a much More kind of like spiritual realm of it.

1:30:17 And and it connects in with what we were talking about earlier about learning to be more compassionate to yourself and others. So you start with that intention. So you start by Just settling and sitting. You know, some people sit cross legged on the floor, but it's also okay on a chair. But on the chair there should be some

1:30:34 Sensive. Posture. Yeah. And you would start with setting the intention. And I don't mean

1:30:42 an intention such as, oh, today I want this, or want that. It's the bigger intention. Why am I meditating? I am meditating for Not only myself, but for all living beings. I'm doing this for me and the world. And I'm not I'm not not trying to fool myself by thinking if I do my meditation somehow

1:31:00 wars will end or whatever. No. It's more that if I do this This will help me become more effective in the world and spread more love and compassion. So that's the reason. So you're setting that intention. With your thinking for a few moments. And then you're gonna start to be aware of yourself.

1:31:19 So Okay. So let's just try this. So take a moment to set the intention of compassion. Making the intention that you're doing the practice for yourself and others.

1:31:42 And now just become aware of your hands. Maybe your hands are resting on your knees or your legs. And feel the there's a lot of nerve endings in the fingers, so it's easy to start here. Where you just feel the contact between your skin and your clothing.

1:32:01 You're aware of your hands resting on your legs. Bring the focus up to your shoulders. Most of us have tense shoulders because we're on our phone or Behind a desk. So as you're aware of your shoulders, the tension can just

1:32:24 Drop away. Bring your focus to the front of your body. Start to notice your breathing. The trick here is not to try to breathe or go into deep breathing, but just let your breath

1:32:55 Be natural. And focus on the rising and falling of your chest or your belly with each breath. And when you realise your mind has wandered, gently come back to the breath. Now you can make the focus More precise.

1:33:21 By feeling the air in your nose. Or your mouth. If you can breathe through your nose, then do that. Otherwise the mouth. And you're sensing the air as it comes in and out of your nostrils or your lips. You can feel the air brushing against the skin at the edge of your nose or your mouth.

1:33:46 And then you'll realise your mind has gone somewhere and you gently bring it back. Okay, and to end the session. We'll just do a short one for now. Take another moment to think about compassion. You're dedicating your practice to

1:34:05 Freedom. compassion and happiness for yourself and all beings. And stop there. I mean that was short, but it's

1:34:18 And one major warning Is You you trip yourself up if you Try and think, Well, did it go well? Yeah.

1:34:29 Partly because of the culture we're in and how everything's about sensation. I think we only think something's working if it makes us feel something. Mm-hmm. And mediation's very different. You know what when I start when I first started meditating, I described how I really hated it and found it, you know, really stressful.

1:34:46 One thing I remember that happened to me was I started to do quite a lot of it because I thought, okay, I'm going to get into this thing and do it and become like a a pro. And I was doing loads of it. And finding it was making me feel more unhappy. And I was feeling this kind of sense of like sinking feeling in my chest and I thought You know, I'd I'd struggled with depression anyway, I thought it's making me more depressed. And I went to Rinpache, my teacher, and I said, Medit I'm doing loads of it, it's making me depressed. He said, It's nothing to do with

1:35:13 The meditation is it's how you are. He said, You're a junkie. You're using your meditation like a drug. Mm. I said, What do you mean? He said, Well I think you're sitting there waiting for it to c to kinda like

1:35:26 Come on. You're waiting for it to give you a high. And it's so true because I realized I'd been sitting there Yeah. Like getting addicted to it and thinking okay, I'm gonna do my meditation

1:35:38 Right, I've done five minutes. Where's where's the bliss? When am I gonna feel good? And what he was trying to tell me is that if I'm trying to make myself feel good I'm already coming from a place of lack. You know what I mean? I'm already saying to myself I don't feel good.

1:35:55 So actually promoting A sense of lack. So how do we perceive the meditation then if it's not a something Just give up judgment. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. And it's not Going well, going badly, I like it, I don't like it, you just do it.

1:36:10 And try to let go of Quality control. Cool. I really need to start doing it.

1:36:19 My partner, she's so great, she does it every morning for like twenty, twenty, thirty minutes. So why didn't you sit next to her? She said this to me. What stops you? And what stops me? Hm. I mean it's there on tap, she's doing it every morning.

1:36:35 What's stopping you s sitting next to her? I think I think one of the things that comes to mind is How uncomfortable I feel in silence. And

1:36:53 The idea of like silence and being Because she's there. Would you be okay better on your own then? No, it's just like silence with my own thoughts. I spend a lot of time trying to kind of Not.

1:37:08 I spend a lot of time trying to distract myself. Don't we all? That's welcome to the modern world. I'm pretty extreme. Are you? Yeah, I'm pretty extreme. So like if I go into the shower, yeah, I have to have something playing, something talking, a podcast, it could be the news, it could be YouTube. If I'm no matter where I am, I always even when I go to sleep, I have to be listening to something. So my I've like almost wired my brain

1:37:30 In the opposite way where it's there's always something. Yeah, I went through a phase where I couldn't eat unless I was also watching something. I mean, yeah, I mean I do that. I can't do task. But that's why meditation's perfect for you. Yeah, I know. Tell me. Because y this is giving you a way to find A different way to experience yourself.

1:37:49 Mm. Yeah. I mean you know, you I'm sure you exercise. Yeah.

1:37:56 So you go to the gym? Yeah. And you y th that's challenging. Yeah. And you you're you're pushing your muscles and there's a kind of Like there's an effort required. Do you know what it is? Same thing, same thing. With the gym.

1:38:08 I know that if I go, my muscles are gonna grow, I'm gonna be stronger, I'm gonna be healthier, happier, all those things. And because I've never done meditation, I don't actually have evidence of the upside. Just have a brain scan after four days and you'll see. This is why I asked you the question about you before and you after. Yeah. What is the difference? And if whoever's listening to this right now Can you give them a before and after picture of how their life will be will be practically different if they implement just ten minutes a day meditating? Okay, so so I find it really inspiring to know that there are visible changes in a brain scan after four days. You don't necessarily feel those changes. But knowing that gives you faith and confidence, just like you know if you

1:38:49 eat healthy food your your you know, your body will improve, your health will improve. So knowing that is a good thing. In terms of seeing the results Everybody's different. There's no you can't draw a graph. You can't say if you do X amount of days you will reach this level of

1:39:04 Calm or focus. But what happens is as you start to meditate after a few days or weeks You just start to feel you can handle stuff better. So for me, um the the pract my main practice is is very much connected with what I was talking about before with

1:39:20 uh trying to sit with discomfort and stop pushing it away. And that's the total revolution in my life. I was always on the run. Always. human experience is Just

1:39:38 In our minds. That does that make sense what I'm trying to say there? Because I'm there asking you about like what's the upside of this, whatever. But it's it's falling into the trap of not realizing that everything I I will experience today is actually formed in my own mind. That's the whole reason for meditation. is to know that everything is dependent on your mind.

1:39:59 The good and the bad. So Instead of being so obsessed with the details of what's going on. Go to the source. Yeah.

1:40:08 Go to the source. The the projector rather than the movie. And and and change that and transform that and work on that. So how has your projector changed in the last thirty years?

1:40:22 I I'm definitely a happier person. I'm I'm definitely um more at peace with myself. That that negative voice. Doesn't come up.

1:40:32 You know, that that Self hatred. as as really kind of like What's the word? Kinda like uh Yeah, gone away.

1:40:41 And um I'm happier. And I've got I I feel so so lucky to have tools that I know I can use when I'm

1:40:51 suffering. You know, for the last few years I've s I've suffered with quite a lot of ill health because I had Really, really severe COVID. right at the start of the pandemic. And it did something to my heart and my lungs, and since then I've had

1:41:04 You could call it long Covid, you could call it heart, lung damage, whatever. So I l I live with kind of levels of illness that are hard to deal with, but This practice. It's something I can do. I can I can sit there with an ill body and

1:41:17 Send love into that. body and feel kind of okay. So It's made me stronger. And I can I can function better. Than before.

1:41:26 But you know the other thing is I don't really care. I don't really care whether it's working or not. Because I I trust it. And I'm just gonna keep going. And I I'm in for the long game.

1:41:35 I'm just gonna keep going. You signed a lifelong vow? I did. I'm I'm I'm I have I have taken vows to To be a monk for my life. Why?

1:41:44 When I put the robes on, I felt every I felt every cell in my body. Click. I mean it sounds a bit weird, but it just felt like that. I felt all my cells fall into place. I just felt really this is

1:41:59 This is this is really right for me. I think it's what I've been looking for all along when I Working with my mind. I'm I'm not really interested in religion. I'm not really interested in faith, but I'm really interested in the mind.

1:42:14 And Being a monk has given me this. use in the world. Like some

1:42:24 help to others. So Okay, let me challenge this a little bit in terms of how I imagine someone listening might might respond. They go, Okay, so you went through this process, you worked on your mind, now you've worked on your mind. No no working. It's not over. Okay. It a total work in progress. And this is the mis this is part of the misconception is someone will listen and say, Well, you've worked on your mind now, so go live now. No, it's an ongoing process. I'm still a mess.

1:42:48 I'm still a mess, but I'm okay with being a mess. That is a huge difference is that I I still get stressed, I still get upset, but I'm s really gentle with myself in a way that I never knew how to be. I was always, You're so disgusting, what's wrong with you? You should be ashamed of yourself. That's gone. Now I'm okay with with myself and that that's such that that is happiness. That really has made me happier. So it's for me it's not about oh you've done it and now it's it's a it's ongoing. What is the most important thing we didn't talk about that we should have talked about as it relates to The suffering that.

1:43:22 My viewers are probably experiencing in their own life. You know what's missing always is we can talk about this stuff. But Are we gonna do it? And what's really missing for so many people is they will listen to

1:43:35 this episode or they will read a book about meditation or see a video and it all sounds great. But then We get busy and forget to do it. What's missing for everybody is the doing it. How how do we jump from

1:43:49 being interested in something to actually doing it. I mean there's there's a a joke which is the definition of a Buddhist is somebody who's either meditating or feeling bad that they're not meditating. And that is it, isn't it? It's a bit like exercise. We know we should be doing it. So for me The the the missing link Is People try and force themselves to meditate'cause they know it's good for them.

1:44:12 And then it's it's a hopeless process. They won't do it. Because it becomes another should. On the to do list. I think the only way to become really enthusiastic about doing it every day is to really think About it and realise that

1:44:27 it will give you what you were looking for anyway. From The coffee, the drugs, the alcohol, the sex, the whatever it is you're into. Whatever we're looking for. out there.

1:44:41 meditation it was happiness, it was freedom, it was release. The only place you can find that is in your mind. Because going down those roads It's just taking you further into needing more. So so I think the the the thinking process that helps people meditate every day

1:44:58 is to think about how it will give you what you were looking for anyway. And then you want to do it. Then you then you feel like oh okay. Yeah. We have no

1:45:08 sense of exhaustion when it comes to chasing our addictions, do we? So imagine if we could meditate with that kind of energy. I've think maybe I need to go do some kind of um meditation retreat as well, just to get me sort of started and just uh have someone there with me who can

1:45:29 Help me think through some of these things. That can be a good thing. Just as just to get started. But it doesn't have to be four years. Yeah. Three days, five days, two days. That can be a good thing. And that's why Buddhist centers are good places because They offer that. And there's never a kind of you've got to sign along the dotted line and say, I'm now a Buddhist We're so not interested in Converting people to Buddhism.

1:45:52 Yeah, go to a retreat. It's Buddhism growing. Yeah. You know why it's growing? It's because it doesn't try to attract followers. And because of that it grows. Interesting.

1:46:03 And but um also because of everything else that's just going on in the world at the moment. Um W Yeah, people feeling more isolated, lonely, purposeless. Depression, suicidality, all of these things. You we've seen it a lot, especially in young men as well, the stats around young men and their suicidal ideation and And

1:46:21 Uh their loneliness stats are worse than women's as well. But I think Yes, the the way the world is with all of these challenges and negative things. At the same time, what's hugely growing in modern culture

1:46:35 is people getting more interested in their own minds. There are more and more people going for psychotherapy, counselling, meditation. Any kind of discipline that helps us to understand our minds better, that interest is growing. So We're i we're in a really exciting phase in history where people are

1:46:50 wanting to transform their minds, wanting to take control of consciousness. It's because we've had something fail us. we maybe we're waking up to realising that the system hasn't worked for us. We've created A kind of gilded cage for ourselves.

1:47:06 This beautiful material world. that is also running out of resources, so it's not gonna be able to serve us much longer if we carry on abusing the planet. So we have created our own prison and now we're looking for

1:47:19 Way out. Turns out it wasn't the individualism and the materialism. Um After all. Maybe it was always there.

1:47:31 Inside us. That's Buddhism w would say that we we are We are Buddha within. We we all have a sleeping Buddha within us. And We we have

1:47:42 Potential. We have great capacity for awakening, great capacity To help others. It's just like a Crystal covered in layers and layers and layers of mud.

1:47:52 And we need to clear them out of way. We have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest. Not knowing who they've Left it four. And the question that has been left for you.

1:48:05 What are the ways that you express your love and appreciation for people who matter to you in your personal or professional life? I don't do this very well all the time, but I try to The be there for them when they're going through a hard time.

1:48:22 because I used to find it really scary and I'd run away and I'd close down I try to in the same way as I try to move towards my own discomfort. I try to be there with other people when they're uncomfortable.

1:48:35 And not judge I try that. I'm I I'm sure I fail a lot, but I try. Friend of mine described that as sitting in the mud with them. Yeah. Yeah. We often try and fix and correct and

1:48:47 Yeah, I I have a t I I see myself trying to do that, give advice, whatever. It's not about that. It's about being with the person. Being being Being with them without judging them. Thank you so much for what you do. Um, you've got these incredible books, which I'm gonna recommend everybody check out. Both Sunday Times bestsellers, I believe, and A Monk's Guide to Happiness, Meditation in the Twenty First Century. And this book is called Handbook for Hard Times, A Monk's Guide to Fearless Living.

1:49:14 I think that your message is more important now than it's ever been because there's I mean much of the reason why I've probably stumbled across Buddhism is for the same reasons that many people are, which is it feels intuitively like the the answers we've been given in the way of life that we're all living is failing us in some way. And we know that we can feel it ins inside ourselves, but the answers that we see to As antidotes to that feeling. Oh, much better all the time.

1:49:40 And they're again often they're about self or it's about, you know, join this group of people that are doing this sort of thing over here or There's this religious you know, group that you can join. But actually Buddhism offers us an alternative approach, which is to go inside ourselves and to alleviate ourselves from the suffering that we've self imposed by

1:50:02 understanding that maybe the answers we were looking for were inside the whole time. And um I'm so glad that people like you do podcasts like this because that you're getting the message out there into the world. And it's a message that I think is so um unbelievably important. And I think maybe. Maybe just maybe. Maybe you've persuaded me today. To just give it a shot.

1:50:20 Yeah. And that's the hard thing,'cause it's good it's good enough it's all well enough knowing about something. But then what will I do tomorrow morning? When you sit there tomorrow morning, Yeah. And your mind starts racing.

1:50:34 Whatever you do, don't feel like you failed. Just remind yourself that the thoughts Actually make your meditation stronger. Because if coming back to the breath

1:50:47 You have to have somewhere to come back from. Yeah. The thought that took you away is exactly what brings you back. So bring it on. The more thoughts the better. Okay. Thank you.

1:50:58 I'm so appreciative of you and thank you for spreading the words that you're you're spreading because I as I said, you're gonna be saving and uh saving a lot of people from a lot of pain and suffering, but also um giving them a Mm s an alternative approach to Sitting with it with a compassion. So thank you. Thank you. It's really lovely to spend time with you.

1:51:17 Oh.

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