Transcript

Most Replayed Moment: The Direct Path To Purpose And Happiness! These 2 Decisions Matter Most

0:00 Uh What you think? I I should say to my Future Sun.

0:09 About the world that he's growing up in. In terms of the mismatch between our evolution and His natural hard wiring.

0:19 Wow, what a great question. So there is a there is something called the mismatch hypothesis in evolutionary Yeah. Which basically says that Many problems that we face today. Arise out of a mismatch.

0:35 Of a phenomenon that was adaptive in our ancestral past, but is no longer adaptive in our contemporary modern world. We've evolved the Gustatory preferences.

0:49 To as a response to caloric scarcity and caloric uncertainty. Therefore being attracted to fatty foods Gorging on a lot of food makes perfect evolutionary sense when we don't know when our next meal is coming from. When we live in an environment of plentitude. then that exact phenomenon becomes maladaptive. So if you look at, for example, the I think the top eight or nine killers. on the World Health Organization thing, they can all be attributed to the mismatch hypothesis. So I would tell your son Knowledge is power.

1:21 to our earlier point of you getting that degree, you never lose in knowing more. You being aware of the mismatch hypothesis, dear son, Will allow you to hopefully not fall as easily into behavioral traps. And one of the most important'cause you have a book here called Happiness eight secrets for leading the good life. If I was to give him advice on how to live a happy life

1:43 What are the most important things that I should be aiming at? So I I look at both decisions that we can make for happiness and mindsets. So let me maybe discuss a few of each. So by far the two choices That will either

1:58 Impart upon me the greatest happiness or the greatest misery. It's choice of spouse and choice of profession. Okay. And let's break it down very simply. If I wake up next to a person in the bed and I go, Oh, God damn, not this one again.

2:12 I'm not off to a good start. If I wake up next to this to to that And I go. Oh my god. How did I pull that off? What a delight to wake up next to this person. Well, that's good. Have they empirically measured this? Have they not in the way I'm

2:27 Mm-hmm. Explaining the anecdote. Uh now if I go off after I woke up to this lovely person I go off and do things and my Day to day. Activities.

2:38 That make me do Existential glee. Oh boy, what a great day I have lined up. I'm gonna be working on my next book. I've got uh I've got uh diary of a CEO, that's gonna be super fun. A lot of new people are gonna hear about some of my ideas. Then I'm gonna maybe have a chat with a graduate student on some really exciting research I'm doing. So wow, but yeah, I mean there's a lot of stress, but it's all gives me a lot of purpose and meaning. And then at night I return to that lovely person, I've cracked the the the happiness code, right? Now of course the question is If the devil's in the details, what what can I do to maximize my chances that I make those right choices?

3:14 I explain in the book contrary to Ninety nine point nine percent of the quote Self help. Prescriptive books where they Tell you exactly with guarantee here are the eight steps.

3:26 I explain that life is a statistical game. Right. There are statistical vagaries. So all I can do is increase your odds of obtaining happiness. I can't guarantee anything, right? You could never smoke. And get lung cancer. But not smoking certainly reduces your chances of lung cancer.

3:45 Greatly. So Earlier I mentioned birds of a feather flock together. versus opposite track. Overwhelmingly, if you want to increase your chances of a happy marriage remember the maximum birds of the flock together.

3:59 Complementarity works really nicely in the short term. It doesn't sustain a long term marriage. The butterflies, the hormones Don't last when you've been in a marriage. That doesn't mean you're not still sexually attracted to your partner twenty five years later, but that's not going to carry the train. Okay, so but Just to give a little bit more I guess specif specificity and nuance to this. You're not s'cause my partner, she's really into like spiritual stuff. Yes. She's really into like crystals and

4:25 Lots of things that I'm not into. I think we have a great relationship. We've been together a long time. And she like I'm into Manchester United in soccer. She's not into that. Well

4:35 We might have to have you revisit that because I'm a Manchester City guy, but go ahead. So that was you. Um My apologies. No, uh look I'm not suggesting that there aren't Clear differences in a butt If I were to distill, if I were to to use statistical term, if I were to factor analyze. Your most fundamental life principles between you

5:01 And your partner. Do you think you're more alike or more different? We're more alike. We're We're we're aligned. That's my point.

5:08 Yeah, and th this is why I say it, because when people hear it they might think of it as like tastes. No about the sense. The most fundamental deontological right? I mean what what You know. My wife loves the fact that I'm a truth teller. My love my wife loves the fact that I have. purity in my right. She she appreciates the fact that And similar with her. Like, for example, we both have never been the type

5:34 To siek. to trigger jealousy in the other. Many people will will say, Oh, you know, if when you trigger jealousy, that spices things up, right? My wife has never a single time done a single thing Right. But that's because she has a standard of personal conduct that's very elevated. Well I ask you as well in that just a little bit. Are there things about your wife?

5:58 That you don't have as much, but our fundamental values But you're drawn to Because she's kind of giving you them. I call her McGyver.

6:08 Do you know do you remember was? MacGyver was a show in the nineteen eighties, I think. Where he was reputed to be able to put things together. He he he's in a pickle, he's in a cell, so he takes soap and cuts it up to cut the bar.

6:26 My wife and a complete reversal of the typical st stereotypes of male and female. You give my wife an empty Can of tuna. and a soccer ball, she'll make a rocket and she'll fly you to Mars. She is unbelievably in French, you say debruyard.

6:43 She knows how to put things together and so on. And I'm just mesmerized by her ability to do it. For me, for all my fancy academic stuff. Uh Take a light bulb. It'll probably take me four weeks before I figure how it works. She's already built a rocket. She's basically Elon Musk of the SAD household. I greatly admire that in her, and it's something that I possess Very little.

7:06 I wanted to ask one of the things you said a second ago was about This the evolu evolutionary basis of We're talking about happiness and what it is to be happy, you you talked about the part and a part. What is the evolutionary basis of Meaning and purpose. Why do we need that? Right.

7:20 So we've got a very big Frontal lobe. Right. So for remember earlier I was talking about exaptation versus adaptation. One argument for why we love literature so much.

7:33 Is that It's Our brains need nourishment. via storytelling. And therefore, that's an exaptation. My brain expects to be fed stuff that keeps me engaged. And therefore literature is one way by which I eat that nourishment. to use the food analogy, right? So

7:51 I suspect that because we are sentient beings Right. We we we're not beings that are only driven by instincts of survival and reproduction, right? I mean oh All animals have to solve two problems. Survive.

8:07 And reproduce. Right. That's it, that's the entire game of life. But because we have consciousness, because we have metanology, because we are sentient. There needs to be more to life than simply

8:20 having sex and reproducing and therefore The way that you elevate that consciousness is through purpose and meaning. So I'm a very happy I mean. I should mention though that happiness about fifty percent of individual differences in happiness scores

8:35 Comes from our genes. But the good news is is that it leaves fifty percent Up for grabs, right? So I may be born with innately a more sunny disposition than you, so I'm now winning at the race. But if I don't Have make good choices if I don't adopt

8:54 good mindsets, then even though you started lower than me in an innate sense, you might surpass me. And so it really is an interaction of Nature and nurture. Uh purpose and meaning so So that I may be m a answering it in an oblique way. I argue and remember I said

9:11 uh having a a a good partner and having a good job are the two ways that you can maximize happiness. I argu that the best way to achiepa happiness It's two metrics. one of which is gonna relate to purpose and meaning.

9:26 Havemporal freedom. All other things equal is better than not having temporal freedom. Let me explain what I mean by that. Yeah. An airplane pilot. Once the door shuts.

9:39 the next sixteen hours from LA to Singapore, it's set, right? I mean literally Temporally in terms of time, physically, I'm stuck, right? That to me Is unthinkable. I float through life. I I work harder than most people, but I do it.

9:55 in my own way. Right now I'm gonna go to a cafe and work on a book prospectus. Then I'm going to go train for an hour. Then I'm going to go read for three hours. And that Temporal I don't have what I call scheduling asphyxia. Right. That helps me. I do.

10:11 You do. Try to resolve that if you can. Number two, which is gonna speak to purpose and meaning. I argue that all other things equal. Any job. That allows you

10:23 To instantiate your creative impulse? Is um Direct path to purpose and happening. Happiness, uh purpose and meaning. What do I mean by that? Стандап комік.

10:33 It's creating a routine. that until he came along we didn't have. A chef is creating a a dish. Out of nothing. An architect is creating that bridge that didn't exist before. An author remember earlier we were talking, I think I think it was off air and you were saying, How long did it take you or what was the process. I said, You know, there's something magical about writing a book, right? Because there literally is a day where you open the laptop

10:57 You open a word document. That word document, which eventually you're gonna call the parasitic mind. Save. Doesn't have a single Letter type. It's blank.

11:09 And then Through the magic of creation. Creative impulse. A year later. I pressed the sand button a year later.

11:17 You're consuming that book. That has to be a direct path to purpose and meaning. Now that doesn't mean that the actuarial scientist, your brother. doesn't have a worthy life. But surely A person who wakes up who's an artist. who's an author

11:34 By the nature of him creating says oh I can't wait to get to the studio. I doubt that maybe not your brother, I doubt that most actuarial scientists go I'm gonna get into that actuarial table today like there's no tomorrow. I'm gonna spank that actuarial table. Okay, so putting a bunch of ideas together from your work then.

11:54 I read in the Consuming instinct. Your your other book, chapter four. That

12:03 Younger siblings like me. Yes. Youngest of four. are more likely to be creative. Oh, you you you pulled that one out, okay. So does that mean that if we're more likely to be creative and creativity is associated with happiness in the r in the way that you just described.

12:19 That I am happier than all of my siblings. Do you wanna guess What doctor Sad's Sibling orders. You're the youngest.

12:28 By far. So let me let me explain let me stop before I answer that and the way you frame the question, let me explain. what the mechanism is. Okay. I also just want to add one layer to that as well. I was sat with at dinner the other day with my Um with about ten of our directors. really they're founders of companies, essentially.

12:45 And I I thought it would be interesting to go around and ask them because I've started to form a bit of a picture about this. And I went round the table and asked every single one of them, where do you rank an order of siblings? And eight of them ranked as the youngest sibling. Oh, I love it. That was so crazy. Yeah. Yeah. That's psychology. So let me tell you the background to that theory. Okay. Which I've done my own research on and published work on it.

13:07 But the original theory comes from Frank Sullivan. Who's a historian of science. who wrote a book which I highly recommend to all your viewers. Uh It's a it's a bit technical, but you can get through it.

13:21 It's called Born. To rebel. It's a book that explores historically. The The

13:29 The the people who've generated the biggest Break through. radical scientific innovations. And what was their birth order? And it turns out

13:40 Not unlike how you did it with the ten and eight of them were f last born. Out of the twenty eight most radical scientific innovations ever. Positive. Twenty three out of the twenty eight.

13:53 Were the the last born, later born. Now So then the question is, okay, well fine, that that's just a phenomenon, but what explains it? Now the explanation is mind blowing. You ready?

14:05 So Frank Sullivay argued That typically when we study the psychological effects of birth order. It's from the perspective of the parents behavior. To the child.

14:18 as a function of their birth order. First child I'm very strict. Second child I'm getting tired. Fifth child Run the streets, I don't give a shit. Okay. So that's the causal causality of the birth order effect. He flipped the whole thing.

14:32 He said no no no. Much of the impetus of the birth order effect. It's coming from the child, and let me explain how. He said that one of the fundamental survival problems it's an evolutionary theory. One of the fundamental uh uh

14:47 survival problems that a child faces. Is to differentiate itself. From all other siblings.

14:56 It's maximal Investment from the parents. How do I do that? So that's called the Darwinian

15:04 ni When you start off Your firstborn. All of the niches are unoccupied. There is the

15:13 I'm a good boy niche. I'm a rebel niche. I'm a di right. There there are many, many there's a panoply of niches. that are unoccupied. So I'm firstborn I'm gonna pick whichever one.

15:25 The second born is born. There is N minus one niches. One is taken. So the I'm a good boy niche. I gotta differentiate myself. I'm Segan.

15:37 I'm an asshole, niche. I'm a I'm a contrarian niche. Let's keep going down the birth order. There are fewer and fewer unoccupied niches. Left. for later bones, especially if the sip ship is big.

15:50 But Sulliway argued that that Forces the last born to score differently On key personality traits.

16:00 One of which Is open to experience. So he argued that later born Up to last bones. By virtue of having to solve that original problem.

16:11 will end up being much bigger out of the box thinkers. Not being stuck Unconformity. On orthodoxy. Hence, in the context of scientific innovations, the last bones are the ones who say, No, this is bullshit. I'm going this way. Thank you.

16:25 And so I tested that theory. In a consumer psychology setting where I demonstrated that last sponsor We're much more likely to be product innovators.

16:37 And early product adopter. So I I took the exact framework, but instead of applying it to radical scientific innovations, I applied it to radical. Product innovations and adoptions. So All that to say. That based on that one could surmise that if openness to experience

16:56 It's correlated to happiness. then the latter bones would score happier. I I really wonder which one it is,'cause I can attest to kinda both being true. I probably was a little bit rebellious to get attention, but also by the time I was ten The same rules to me. When you said How many are you? There's four.

17:16 Okay. When you said run the streets, that's the perfect ex explanation of my childhood. My my oldest the oldest, which is my sister Amanda. She If she wasn't home by nine PM, she was also a woman, so the rules were slightly different for her. Nine PM, it was h it was hell to pay. If I didn't come home for two to three days There was no one there to ground me anyway. And I think That l opens you up to experimentation.

17:40 You start fiddling with stuff, you start I st I was doing all kinds of things in the house, like breaking things apart, looking inside them, starting little businesses, selling the cigarettes from my mum's room. Sorry, mother, she really doesn't know that I ever did that, but all these kinds of things which start to build this, you know, repository of information, but also it built my confidence. Yeah. In a way which allowed me to be entrepreneurial and develop this different relationship with risk. So it's hard to figure out which one it is. Maybe it's both. Uh but yeah, I you know, I haven't been I I know that your team had asked me what are some questions that we could ask that no one else Well

18:12 Certainly pulling up that birth order one, you've succeeded on asking me a question that I certainly haven't been asked in a long time. So kudos to Well yeah, it's incredible. We have a lot of great researchers. So And by the way Both my wife and I our last porns. So to to the assort of mating. And I'm not sure if that's been done. And if it hasn't been done, it'd be very easy to do. Right. So h here's an experiment. If anybody steals it, I better get the credit. You just look at

18:39 A thousand marriages. Calculate their satisfaction score. their happiness score, and then see if there is a sort of mating on birth ordership. Interesting. Boom. What you just listened to was a most replayed moment from a previous episode. If you want to listen to that full episode, I've linked it down below. Check the description. Thank you.

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