How embracing emotions will accelerate your career | Joe Hudson (executive coach, Art of Accomplishment)

0:00 lot of the people that in my circles may have spent hundreds of millions of dollars to try to arrange a life that they enjoy and it doesn't fucking work. What is holding people back? It's the fact that they have emotions that they are not sitting, feeling, or expressing. Whatever emotion that you're trying to avoid, you are inviting into your life in exactly the way that you're trying to What the hell? Why would it What is this? You have this a really amazing insight. The voice in your head is often telling you bullshit. What most people try to do is they try to stop it and that doesn't work very well. I think the best way to work with the voice in the head is to pick an experiment every day and respond to the voice in the head in a new way every day. One of my favorite responses is, Oh, I see that you're really scared. Don't worry, I'm right here with you. I got you. on helping people feel joy is like such an important tool for productivity. If you say I'm gonna figure out how to enjoy what I do ten percent more and you succeed, you are 10% more efficient.

0:55 Not only that, usually the quality is gonna get a lot better too. Is there just like one thing you recommend that basically everyone try to experiment with? Yeah, it'll change your life dramatically really quickly. Today my guest is Joe Hudson. Joe is one of the most sought after Executive coaches amongst tech leaders. And has worked with folks from OpenAI, SpaceX, Apple, and other world class companies.

1:20 Joe's unique approach to coaching draws from his spiritual, psychological, and neurological practices. And in his intimate courses that he runs a few times a year, and in his podcast, he helps people create the life that they want with enjoyment and ease. In our conversation, Joe shares the two things that he finds most often keep people stuck in their life and in their job. And how to work on getting these things unstuck. Why the critical voice in your head?

1:45 is always wrong. Contradictory? And telling you bullshit. And how to build a different relationship with that voice. Why falling in love with your emotions is so important and so powerful.

1:55 Why you'd be better off focusing on what you want versus what you think you should do or think that you need to do. plus a bunch of amazing advice on how to make better decisions, help your team run more effectively. And why a seven minute daily gratitude practice will change your life. This episode is basically for every single person and will make your life and your work better. If you enjoy this podcast, don't forget to subscribe and follow it in your favorite podcasting app or YouTube.

2:21 It's the best way to avoid missing future episodes and helps the podcast tremendously. With that, I bring you Joe Hudson. Joe, thank you so much for being here and welcome to the podcast. Oh, thanks.

2:35 Good to be here. Good to have you. I'm curious if there's any common Themes that emerge often in terms of what is holding

2:44 People back. From success or just living the life that they want, especially ambitious tech people, which I know is a lot of the folk that you work with. Are they gonna like archetypes of like here's the thing often come up most often and hold people back? A non specific answer to that question would be

3:00 A critical voice in their head and like a uh and a relationship with that critical voice that is not not productive. So Oftentimes the critical voice in the head says you need me to be productive, but it's usually A huge Detriment to

3:17 to being able to really be successful. And and even if you are successful with a really critical voice in your head. You never get to enjoy it. You you like you might have the money, but then you're like, Oh shit, I'm still miserable. You know, or I got the I got the car, I got the house, I got the money, I got the successful career and Like why am I Unhappy all the time.

3:40 So that would be I would say one of the biggest ones. The another really big one that I in a large category I would say is Uh Their relationship with emotions is all Fakada. They are

3:54 either trying to pretend they don't have them or uh compartmentalizing them or trying to manage them rather than harnessing them. And and falling in love with them. So that would be another A big place. This episode is brought to you by build better dot a i

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6:38 These are awesome. Okay. So the voice in your head, uh you have this really amazing insight that I heard on one of your podcast episodes. Yeah. The voice in your head is Often wrong. Often contradictory, often telling you bullshit.

6:52 And that your advice is to learn how to work very differently with his voice in your head, which a lot of people just assume, Oh, that's just like what it is. It's telling me Uh it's trying to help me, but Turns out it's not. Can you talk about that? Yeah, I I would say every single time the voice in your head is is wrong.

7:08 So it's not the critical voice in your head. So to be specific, I'm talking about the voice in your head that is critical and Repeats. So, you know, there's the voice the voice that says the same thing over and over again. You gotta you gotta work out more, you gotta work out more, you gotta work out more, whatever that is. It's always wrong. And

7:26 That doesn't mean there isn't truth to what it says. But it it's it's incorrect. So as an example of this, like You should work out more. You should work out more. You should work out more. Or you need uh you need me, or you just sit around on the couch is a great example of one. And and But if I was your boss and I was sitting right next to you and I was criticizing you every couple of minutes.

7:49 There's n no way that you would say, Wow, I really need you. I I'm I couldn't be productive without you. It's a bunch of crap. So or you should work out, you should work out. Okay, so I I see the truth that the it I'd be healthier if I work out. I get that. Should I? Is that it really a should? There's another question. W what makes it not say, Oh Hey, I uh why don't you enjoy working out? How do we get you to enjoy working out?

8:13 What's the what what would motivate you to work? It's not doing any of that. You should work out. You should work out. So There's it's never An accurate thing that's happening ins inside of your head. And until you can see through that. It's hard to work with the voice in your head. You can do it, but until you see through it.

8:31 The second part that I would say is that if you want to work with your voice in the head a new way What most people try to do is they try to stop it. They try to, you know. control the voice in the head and that doesn't work very well. So instead I say change the way that you relate to the negative voice in your head.

8:45 So Instead of being Okay, s you you stop doing that. Stop doing that. Say, Oh, I see that you're really scared. And I'm right here with you. Or sing a musical to it.

8:58 Or scope, I don't believe you. I don't like w As a matter of fact, I think the best way to work with the voice in the head is to pick an experiment every day. And respond. To the voice in the head in a new way every day. to have an experimental approach and say, Oh, what's the relationship I want with this negative voice in my head?

9:16 Because right now what it's typically doing for most people is that it says something and the person's like, Yeah Or yeah, but I'm not gonna do that, so fuck off. Or yeah and I yeah, that'll never work. You know, something like that is is kind of the response. And so what what happens if you change the response to the voice in your head? And that gives you a a crap ton of freedom and it's the beginning of

9:37 What can be a state where the negative voice in the head disappears, which is really Really quite lovely. Oh wow. Uh I love this so much because there's so much that comes from This thing in your head just shooting it down or

9:50 Scaring you about stuff. But it's so hard. Like I hear this, but it's so hard next time I'm I don't know, giving a big presentation, I'm gonna hear like oh you're gonna it's gonna Some could go wrong. You could Look really stupid. You could totally forget what you're saying. And it's like hard to really

10:04 Intellectualize okay, I don't have to listen to this. Is there anything more there of just like how to turn that around? Be like just like shut up. Yeah, so the shut up usually doesn't work. I mean, experiment with all of it. You know, but uh to me I would My my one of my favorite responses is, Oh, I see that you're really scared. Don't worry, I'm right here with you.

10:24 I got you. Because the part of the deal is that the voice in the head has assumed the position that it's like the boss. But it's really like a little kid having a temper tantrum. I mean, if you listen to if you just like dictated everything it said, it sounds like usually like a five year old having a temper tantrum. Or it sounds like the way your mom used to chastise you, or the way your dad used to chastise you, or whatever teacher. So

10:51 But it it isn't. It's not logical. It's not It's not thoughtful. It's not Typically. not thoughtful, it's it's usually abusive and so

11:01 It's a lot of fear. So I I like it's one of my favorites. One of my favorite ways to respond, but I've tried I mean, gosh, dozens of ways. And there's a lot of like meat effective ways and And and I particularly think it's really good to set up a s series of experiments rather than just take the one that I have because The experimental mindset means means that you can never really fail. So the typically somebody like worse with the voice in the head, they fail and they go, Ah, fuck it.

11:26 Because you ha we have this part of our brain called the homenula and the hemenula basically is the part of Of our brain that is trying to teach us not to fail over and over again. So it's the thing that like when you go on a diet or you go to work out and then you don't do it one day and you say, Ah, fuck it, I messed up and then you don't try anymore, or you don't try for a couple weeks or whatever, that thing that's Basically what's happening in that part of the brain.

11:48 So if you do it as an experimental thing. Then you actually You can't lose. You're just learning about yourself. You're learning about the voice in your head and The way I like thinking about that is um People are like, I understand the problem, but I don't have a solution. And I'm always like if you understood the problem there

12:04 There would be no question about the solution. You can't You fully understand a problem, you know the solution. So All you have to do is really fully understand the voice in your head through a series of experiments and the Whole thing goes away.

12:16 So the advice here is next time you're hearing something in your head that you don't think is gonna be helpful to you is Try to respond to it in a different way from what you've Didn't do it. I would say be even more subtle than that, which is uh I wouldn't really wouldn't care if it's if you think it's helpful to you or not. I would just I would just experiment with

12:35 different ways of interacting with it. And I wouldn't even do it as a goal of okay, I want the voice in the head to be nicer to me. I would do it it with the goal of just, hey, how do I learn? How do I how do I understand this thing? It's it's like a far more productive self development generally, it's far more productive.

12:54 To learn, say, about the river valley by walking through it. Putting your feet in the river. Going down the river with a canoe. Smelling the soil, looking at the plants. than it is to

13:08 You know, say, Okay, I am going to dam this river valley and try to Like that it's just not gonna under you're not gonna understand it the same way. You're gonna make some mistakes. Amazing. the second bucket that you shared of what you find most often is kinda the root of what's holding people back is Way you described is your relationship with your emotions, which I don't think a lot of people would think of as the thing that's holding them back. Can you talk a bit more about what that looks like?

13:31 Yeah, great way to explain it. So I'll I'll di for the logical folks, I'll uh so in two thousand and twelve or so, there's a person who wrote a book called Descartes Error, and in Descartes' error The whole ideas that I think therefore I am and this person's like, Yeah, that's the error. And It's a neuroscientist who

13:50 looked at people had damage in the emotional center of their brain. And they just basically cease to be able to make Decisions. So

13:59 Their IQ would stay the same, but it would take them half an hour to decide where to have lunch or decide what color to pen to use. It would take hours and hours. To make simple decisions so their IQ would stay high, but their entire life would completely fall apart. And what it tells us, and this is not

14:15 Exact. I'm paraphrasing for a podcast, but We make decisions in the emotional center of our brain. We use logic To try to figure out how we're gonna feel. So you can see this just by asking yourself the question, How many uh decisions have you made to feel like a success or to not feel like a failure or to feel happy or to not feel

14:33 trapped or to right. So there's these huge buckets of emotions that we are trying to feel and not feel, and we're making decisions based on those. There's no such thing as a logical decision, you know, that idea is like I'm just going to be logical and just make a logical decision. It doesn't neurologically, it's just untrue. So So if you learn to fall in love with all of your emotions, then solution sets become available that you didn't have before.

14:59 So if you are like, Oh, I can't feel like a failure. Well then you you're probably not gonna take certain risks. And if you are Oh I can't I don't I wanna feel loved and I can't feel unliked by people, well then you're not gonna say your truth.

15:13 And then The world is going to not give you the things that are truthful to you, right? I go into my boss, I say my truth, I get fired. Okay, I get fired, but then probably my next boss, I say my truth. I'm gonna I'm gonna find a location where my truth is. And how I want to be in the world is going to be acceptable.

15:30 But it if I don't do that, if I'm constantly managing myself, then I'm not gonna have that. reality. And so It's really important, just for the um just for the decision making. part how important emotions are to be able to fall in love with each of the emotional experiences. So you're not making decisions.

15:48 Based on Your inability to feel stuff. That's like one. There's a literally a thousand others. M most people they feel stuck. They can have a big emotional release and they don't feel stuck anymore. uh when people feel overwhelmed, it's usually not the amount of crap that they have going on in their life. It's the fact that they have emotions that they are not sitting, feeling or expressing. That's another

16:09 huge chunk of stuff. Depression is usually unmoved anger. Is another example. So there's so many levels in which people not able to feel really limits their life. Just a a one that's like almost everybody can relate to is feeling excitement.

16:27 Is something that most people can only do for about ten to twenty seconds. Most people aren't like oh I'm like I'm excited. Like if you walked into a Denny's and there's this person there, sixty year old man And just excited and was excited for like ten minutes, you'd be like, What the Like what's wrong with this? Person, right?

16:44 But when we're excited. Where it's contagious. You know, I walk into a meeting and I'm excited, probably other people are gonna walk out excited. And so we're limiting just the our ability to uh create collaboration by the fact that we're limited by our excitement. And I could go on forever. So that there's so many experiences like this.

17:06 So what I'm hearing is the core issues we're not able to feel our emotion. But there's something there, like we are angry or scared. And Because we can't feel it. We just can't break through that. Yeah, not quite.

17:18 So if you have somebody who's experienced a lot of emotional abuse in their life, then they might not be able to feel the emotions that they're having. And particularly where you experience the emotional abuse. So that might be the case for them. So for instance, if you had physical abuse And I put a quarter in one of your hands and a key in another one of your hands without telling you which was which, you wouldn't be able to tell me. If you'd suffered enough physical abuse because you've literally cut

17:42 that sensation off. Right. And so similarly people who've experienced emotional abuse. Can often not tell what The emotions are. Now emotional abuse is

17:53 It's a big word. generally people don't even like But for for just to agree on terms here. When I say emotional abuse, I mean

18:03 You were told that you weren't allowed to have a certain emotion. That that's what I mean by emotional abuse. So maybe you got fed every time you got angry or you got uh your love removed or you got punished or Maybe every time you cried you were made fun of. That w you know, my particular background. Was that.

18:21 And so It's when you weren't allowed to feel certain emotions you were told to to cut it off because it wasn't gonna be safe. Cause you were either gonna get bribed out of it or punished out of it or loved removed because of it or made fun of or whatever it is. So that that might be that, but the place So that might be a step that one has to take, but the place you want to get to is

18:43 Where the emotions are fluid, where it just moves right through you. It doesn't mean that you lose control. As a matter of fact, losing control means that there's still resistance in it. So the way I think about this is that emotions are uh like a tube. Let's say and there's water moving through the tube and you kink a tube one way, the water comes out a little funny. kink the tube the other way, it comes out a little funny.

19:05 So let's say you have anger and that's the tube of And you crank it one way and it's like, You son of a bitch, you blah blah blah blah blah. You can't get another way and it's like Nice dress. You know, you crank it another way and it's

19:21 Guilt. Why would you ever do that to me? And then if it's Unkinked. Then it's

19:28 Like Gandhi or Martin Luther King, it's like this very loving boundary that's set. It's this clarity. A purpose. So that's that's how I think about it. So the idea is to get to fluidity, to unkink the hose so that all of the the emotional experiences come out with With love.

19:44 I did a Meditation retreat, a ten day silent meditation retreat, which I know is a big part of your practice and something that led to the work you do now. And Yeah. Uh a term that's coming up for me is uh nonjudgmental awareness. Basically. Experiencing the thing you're feeling and just letting it go, not attaching to it, not judging it.

20:00 Is that is that kind of along the lines of stuff you'd recommend? Yeah. It's definitely a huge part of it. There's a couple things that I notice get in the way or the translation gets in the way there One is it's like think about emotions as like kids in your house and it and if you like a kid came into your house and you're like I will be nonjudgmentally aware of you. You're probably gonna get a very different response from the kid than if you're like, Oh

20:26 I'm so excited to see you. Like I I welcome you in my house. And The emotions feel different. If you're like

20:35 I am nonjudgmentally aware of this emotion. Or Oh cool. Like oh cool, I'm sad. This is fantastic. If you have that like welcoming invitation and

20:47 One of the things that I I uh one of the quotes that I'm most famous for is Joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions and she won't come into a house. Where her children aren't welcome. And so Like a very joyful life is a life where all the other emotions are

21:01 They're deeply welcomed, not accepted, not. not judgmentally aware of, right? And I think those are really great steps, don't get me wrong. Like if you can be in nonjudgmental awareness of an emotion, fantastic. The other thing that's a little bit different about what you said is that Emotions do need to be felt. Like they they

21:20 If you stop feeling an emotion, you have to con Constrict your muscles. So I can watch somebody come in. come up for one of my coaching, rapid coaching sessions. And by the crease in their eyebrow I can s know that there's repressed anger.

21:35 By the uh the the hunch in their shoulders, I can tell you about the critical parent that they had. So the the body takes on a shape. That's based on The emotions that that you've been taught to hold. And so

21:49 You don't Just by sitting there? Well, it's not not entirely true. If you just sit there and feel them In that way without the full expression. They will move eventually. But it might take a couple of decades.

22:01 But if you Yeah, you can actually just move them. You can actually make the sound, move your body. Uh all mammals do it, you know, like m mammals releasing fear, they all shake. It's Part of how We exist and so

22:14 That's also a really big part of emotional emotional fluidity. It's not just Being still and feeling them, it's letting the muscles move, making the sounds. For someone that wants to get better at the skill of feeling emotions, being more in touch with emotions, helping their emotions be more fluid. I know this is like a lifelong practice. And not something we just hear on a podcast. Is there anything tactically you can recommend to a listener of just like here's something you could do this week that'll help you along these lines?

22:40 We have a a a free uh audio on our website. called emotional inquiry. And that would be the easiest way that I would That's a really good entry level first step into um uh into emotional fluidity. But the the bigger problem is that every step has a different thing. So if you're in the not aware of emotions,

23:02 And that Step may not be the right step for you. Um, but though if you are aware of two or three emotions and you can do emotional inquiry, usually it it'll open up. A lot of the other ones. There might be a point where you really need expression. And so emotional inquiry is not gonna work, but just generally the emotional inquiry practice is a really good one. And and what it is is

23:23 Like if imagine you're a little kid and you pick up a A toad. Right. You're gonna pick it up, you're gonna look at it, you're gonna feel it, you're gonna smell it, you're m some little kids are even gonna Like lick it a little bit. Like they're gonna like really wanna explore this toad. And that's what emotional inquiry is is

23:40 uh somatic mental experiencing of an emotional experience in your body and what is it like and what happens When you welcome it. What happens when you love it, what happens when you resist it. So it's a series of experiments that you're playing with the emotion.

23:55 and and uh observations and And felt sense of the emotion and and that I find to be Incredibly, incredibly useful. Mm. Just getting very curious.

24:06 Yeah. Yeah. Lot of wonder. By the way, the uh quote you shared about joy being the matriarchy of all the other emotions, uh I imagine people have said this, but Inside Out Two, I think is exactly uh a representation of what you're talking about, where Joy's actually she's like the protagonist almost.

24:23 Yeah. And I see that Oh, you mean yeah, I think I've heard about this. I haven't watched it, but I think where you think it's all about being happy and you find out that you have to accept everything for happiness to really work. Exactly. Yeah. Anxiety starts to take over and then Things don't go

24:38 Uh well. Yeah. Something else that I've noticed listening to a bunch of your conversations, you do these kind of like uh lightning round coaching sessions with people and say listen to a bunch of them. And something that was really interesting to me is that a lot of people come to you and they're like, Hey, I have this problem. Uh I'm not do I can't do this hard thing I know I need to do or

24:56 I have imposter syndrome and I just keeping me From doing the thing I need to do. And you're often like No, that's not actually what's going on here. I can see that's not a problem for you. It's really this other thing. Is that super common where people think they need to work on this one thing and it turns out that's not at all? They're actually okay at that and something totally else. I I would uh maybe to put it a little bit differently, they they're living in a story that describes an old version of themselves.

25:19 And it doesn't or They don't see themselves clearly enough to to be able to see the whole issue. And so they're just kind of living with a story that's in the past. So that's a really common thing. So oftentimes if I do that in a coaching session, typically it's because they're showing me right there that it's not true. You know, so somebody's like Uh, I'm so scared I can't do anything. I'm like, you just got in front of a hundred people to ask me a question. Clearly, you're not so scared that you can't do anything. So I'm not buying it.

25:48 Um I don't do it quite like that. I do it with a lot more love than that, but Yeah, so oftentimes I see that people's stories are are a culprit, like how they describe themselves. And and a great way that you can really See this in folks is that

26:06 Nine out of ten times that you compliment somebody. I really appreciate this thing about you. They're gonna go, Ah now or my uh or the Well, my sister is even more or like that, you know, you if you knew me, you th they're gonna do some sort of version like that. And that and it basically is a one of the indicators that they can't actually feel who they are. Yeah. They would rather

26:31 In effect, call you a liar. Oh, you you're lying to me or you're wrong. than they would to actually accept the The experience of being seen in that way. And

26:42 And it does a couple of things. One of the things it does is it stops people from seeing themselves clearly. The other thing it does is it makes people Forever want. to be seen and complimented and and acknowledged and validated. Because they're never they they're getting the food but they can't digest it.

26:59 Do you have any advice other than working with you and you telling them, Hey, here's what's actually going on? Uh for someone to like, okay, maybe revisit. Maybe this isn't actually a problem to see what's actually going on. So we have um uh a set of five kind of what we think are foundational tools for transformation and we do these free wick workshops on them and One of them is

27:21 question the assumption. And that's a really great way to have people start to see through their stories. So at at the beginning I said Nothing the critical voice in your head says is true. And this is how it applies, so Typically.

27:37 There's an assumption that you have to make for the problem to be real. You know, if somebody says to you, for instance, um, if somebody comes to me and says Um I'm I am an asshole to my girlfriend.

27:50 Like that's their problem, right? So one you have to assume that the girlfriend doesn't want you to be an asshole. as an example to You have to assume that you know what being an asshole actually is. Right. It's not just what your mom told you an asshole was. Like it you know Three, there's some validation. This is another assumption. There's some clear thing that says this in the world, everyone's like,

28:10 That's an asshole and that's not, rather than what actually happens in the world, which is fifty percent of the people think that this person's an asshole and fifty percent think they're a hero, right? It's something like that. Also that uh that it's another assumption there is that the problem is that you're an asshole instead of that you're resisting the fact that you are an asshole and therefore

28:30 It comes out sideways instead of really clear. So there's so many assumptions in there. If you see through those assumptions, usually the problem starts fading away. It's like Oh, okay, what's what's What do I mean by asshole exactly? How do I define that? And I and the reason I

28:47 And it seems like a silly thing, right? When I I'm using this example of asshole, but I remember this moment in my own development. I was um I was in Badega Bay out of all places and um Very good friend of mine at the time was like Joe, you're an asshole. Anyway.

29:02 I was like, No I'm not. And he's Why resist it? Just fall in love with the fact that you're an asshole. I mean, just allow yourself to be an asshole for just a minute, just one minute. And I stopped and I could like stopped and I thought of like I I was doing venture capital the time and I could think of all the things that I had done that somebody would call an asshole and All the ways in which I was unattuned to people and and I could

29:28 Oh yeah, okay, I can totally see that I'm an asshole. And in that scene and in the not only in the scene of it, but in as the shame fell away. Oh I this is nothing I have to defend. This isn't something that I like I'm a bad person because of. I don't need to be ashamed of it. This is just Some actions that I took. And as that faded away

29:48 Then and then over the next couple weeks. Lo and behold, I became less of an asshole. So it's a strange thing when you s when you really Grock that that it's often shame that holds

30:01 Bad habits in place. And so is the problem that I'm an asshole, or is the problem that I'm ashamed of being an asshole? Is the problem that you're a smoker or is the problem that you're ashamed of being a smoker? And so So typically Like there's so many assumptions built into everything that we call a problem, and if we look through those assumptions, the problem's

30:22 disappear as in this case it disappeared for me. Wow. Okay. There's a lot there. It connects to something A I know you recently talked about which is The motion we

30:33 Wants to avoid. Experiencing a lot by trying to avoid it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What's going on there?

30:40 Okay. Yeah, so I uh let's take a since I since I'm uh coach executives. Let's do an executive example. So uh conflict avoidant executive. I don't want to feel

30:56 Um The out of controlness that I do when people argue. So I don't wanna feel that level of out of control. So I am going to be conflict avoidant. I'm gonna avoid conflict. Every way that we go to avoid a feeling Becomes

31:14 The way that that So we all know what it's like to work for a conflict avoidant. CEO or boss. People get really fucking upset. Eventually people get really upset. Decisions aren't being made. We there's all this tension. It's never relieved. We never get and then Wow, sure enough, the conflict avoidant CEO is dealing with a whole organization that's tense and and and they feel completely out of control on the fact that.

31:39 They don't can't do anything about So that's an example. Or when I was When I was younger You know, it was emotional abandonment. I my dad was an alcoholic and I didn't want to feel that emotional abandonment again. And so I would

31:55 get really hard when I felt like people were leaving me, I'd be like what the Well, which of course made them abandon me quicker, or I would try to caretake people. Which would build resentment, which would make people So Whatever emotion that you're trying to avoid, you are inviting into your life in exactly the way that you're trying to avoid it.

32:14 What the hell? Why would it Yeah. That doesn't sound a sinus. Counterproductive. It it is counterproductive and it but the I think the the The really cool thing about it is you can look at any issue that you're having in your life. So you can say, Oh, like one of the problems that I have in my life is that I am constantly in an argument with my

32:35 Girlfriend. Or boyfriend, let's say. Okay, so you're constantly in a What is it the thing that you don't want to feel in that argument.

32:43 Oh, I don't want to feel ashamed. Okay. So You're getting in arguments because you don't want to feel ashamed. And that's making you feel more ashamed.

32:53 And Okay, so what am I doing at that first time to not feel ashamed? Oh, I'm defending myself. Oh, and me defending myself is actually the thing that's starting the fight. So you can backward engineer it to, oh, I don't want to feel ashamed, therefore I'm gonna defend myself, which creates the fight, which makes me feel more ashamed. So any problem that you're having, you can actually backwards engineer it. And C oh. I can solve that problem by just

33:17 Being okay with that feeling. Mm-hmm. God damn it, you didn't take out the the trash. Oh, that's a shame I don't want to feel. I'm not gonna defend myself. I'm gonna feel that shame. Oh.

33:28 Yeah. Mm. Yeah. Then maybe I'm gonna say I'm sorry, I didn't Take out the trash or I'm gonna say.

33:34 I don't feel ashamed. I I don't want to take out the trash. You know, but I have to defend myself to get in the fight. And then I'm gonna feel ashamed. So it you can reverse engineer all your problems this way. It's like it's such a cool hack. But

33:47 It uh You know, it's very hard for some for somehow or another. It's very simple, but very hard for people to utilize. This is amazing. So the advice is basically feel the thing and just kinda come to terms with This is the emotion I'm feeling and maybe this

34:01 Like an example of the asshole. Maybe maybe I'm an asshole and just Yeah, it's too um What's required for you to love and accept yourself would be And love and accept the the emotion that you're having in the moment instead of resist it. You know, there's that saying, What we resist persists. It's

34:19 How do you How do you fall in love with and stop resisting. The reality on the ground. And in doing so, it changes the reality on the ground.

34:30 Okay, but in this argument with s your supposed girlfriend, say you disagree about her perspective on what's going on. I guess that's not the root issue here. It's like It's your feeling. Right. Well like her. Yeah. Hey, sweetheart, I really hear you want me to take out the trash and And I I you know, that's not my truth.

34:50 That's gonna be very different than You know, defending that shame. The defending the shame is gonna be like You know. No, I'm like it's not my job to take out the chat, right? You're you're The thing you're trying not to feel the experience, which is what's gonna do it. So it doesn't really the response isn't the important thing. It's it's really where the response comes from.

35:12 It's so interesting because people are taught constantly this is something we teach in our Narc, um The connection courses that It's really not about the conversation. It's about where you're at in the conversation. So for instance, when my friend said to me, Hey, you're a dick

35:28 Here's what he didn't do. He's like he didn't go, You're a dick. You asshole. Like you're being an asshole. You're being a dick. Fucking stop it. He was like Yeah, you're a dick, so what? What's the problem?

35:40 He was he was coming from a place of love for me, and so I could not be defended in my response to him. And so it's really where you come from. It's the emotionally where you come from that's the important part, not Not as much what you say. And and you can see this the a perfect example of this is

35:59 This happens all the time in my work. So let's say There's a person who has a CEO. And They're scared the person is scared of their CEO. Let's say this is the CMO in there. I'm scared of the CEO. I can't say my truth. They're always getting upset. They're gonna yell, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'll and I'll say, Yeah, there's one person who says it though, right?

36:19 The answer's always yes. There's you that person has that CEO has one person Who they don't yell at, who they listen to, who they Who they'll they'll they'll take the objection from. That they don't get angry. Uh with

36:34 It's because there's somebody who doesn't approach them in fear. It's because somebody approaches them a different way. Not with judgment, but like, hey, look, this is what we have to pay attention to and So it's really about how you're coming at it. Mm mm and not

36:49 What you're saying. Typically. This episode is brought to you by Koda. I use Koda every day. To coordinate my podcasting and newsletter workflows, from collecting questions for guests to storing all my research to managing my newsletter content calendar.

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37:59 Uh I'm very happy with what Advice we've already shared and there's There's more I wanna tap into. You you keep using the word advice and I just want to Oh, like so. For anybody who's listening, do not take my advice. Do not do not do not do not

38:12 Test it. Experiment. Set up an experiment. Try it out. See if it's true for you. It's one Yeah.

38:22 You know, I just made this shit up. Somebody else could make up something different. It's like like you know Jeff Bezos made up Amazon. We make stuff up, but we're humans. But two is if you Instead of just listening to it as a soundbite, if you actually s do it and make an experiment out of it, you get to learn. It like it's in your bones. You get to see what's actually real for you. And

38:43 And what's real for you in this moment might not be real for you what what's in the next moment. So for instance, like I could give the advice that that says, Hey, every You can't even control your thoughts. You can't even you can't even decide what thought you were gonna have next is. It's just gonna fucking happen.

39:00 So you're completely out of control. And so it's all a gift. Can you look at life as all a gift? And that we could wow, that could be really useful for one person, but the other person, they feel so disempowered. That they're like, I can't even control my own thoughts, man. I'm totally trapped.

39:18 And s and they might really need at that moment to learn. that oh I I I have empowerment, I have choice. And that's what they that's the advice that They need to hear. And so like do the experiment. Find out what's true for you in in this moment.

39:34 That that's my If there's if there's a piece of advice, that's the one I wanna give. Okay. So let's let's get let's share more experiments people can. Another is th this thread that I feel comes up a lot in your work is You're just really big on helping people feel joy.

39:49 feels like that's the core what you're trying to help people is feel more joy. Why is why is that so important? Why is Joyce so important, so powerful. So I definitely would would not want anyone to feel joy. Like I'd I wouldn't want to push somebody into or like, hey, you should feel joy. Um But What I would say that's

40:08 That's a like a close cousin to that is that Enjoyment is Is like such an important tool for productivity. Enjoyment is such a

40:21 important tool for living a meaningful life. Enjoy like so enjoyment is a like an amazing tool. So as an example, s uh let's say You drive a Ferrari, you're not gonna say, Hey, that's an efficient car. That's a that that's a super efficient car. You're gonna say, No, that's a that's a fast car, but somehow in our own lives, if we get something done quickly, we're efficient. But that's not efficient. You can go and get something done quickly and then you're so exhausted.

40:48 What's efficient is If at the end of whatever you did you feel Like You have more energy. Like you're stoked, like Oh, I can't wait to do this again tomorrow. that that's efficiency is that you've actually used the least amount of energy.

41:02 To get something done. So if you say, Oh, I'm gonna figure out how to enjoy what I do ten percent more, then you are and you succeed, you are 10% more efficient. Not only that, usually the quality is gonna get a lot better too. If you enjoy running, you're probably gonna run more than if you don't enjoy running. Yeah. If you enjoy doing a podcast, you're probably going to make a better podcast and you're going to do it for longer if you enjoy doing it.

41:30 So That so there's something really, really important about enjoyment because it's not only a measure of efficiency, it also has a strong correlation with higher in most things has a strong correlation with How long you're gonna do it, your stain, power. the the quality of what you're gonna do.

41:47 All of that. So That's one of the reasons that I think enjoyment is is really great. The other thing is that If you enjoy Things they feel different.

41:59 And it doesn't require that I think one of the things that people do is they they They say this, they say I'm I wanna enjoy my life more, so I'm gonna do less things like take out the trash and I'm gonna do more things like go on vacation. But that's not how enjoyment works. And like you can enjoy taking out the trash or you can hate taking out the trash. That's a choice. And Right now, somebody listening to this as an experiment that they can run is like, okay

42:27 You're gonna stay listening to this for the next minute, how do you enjoy it ten percent more? And typically what will happen is somebody will take a deeper breath. They'll settle into their body a little bit more. They'll relax a little bit more. They might physically get more comfortable. Th there's a thousand things that they might do to just enjoy the experience ten percent more.

42:48 That and in that they're becoming more efficient. In that the quality is getting better. In that they're hearing what I'm saying. Differently. And so that that it's just a really powerful tool. What I know the problem to be is that some people will go, Okay, now I have to enjoy life. I'm gonna like

43:06 disregard all these negative emotions so that I'm in enjoyment and that doesn't work. It's horrendous, you know, it's It's just it's just a recipe for For shit stew. Along these lines, how much of the work is learning to enjoy the thing you're doing more versus finding something

43:24 Yeah. you innately enjoy. Which one's more powerful, I guess, which do you point people to, which experiments do you find people should run more? Uh in our society, typically it's how to enjoy what you're doing more. Uh what happens typically is that if you

43:41 Find a way to enjoy the thing that you're doing more, you're more likely to do the things that you enjoy. So it's just like a it's just a uh order of operations thing. As compared to there's people You know, a lot of the people that in my circles because of who I coach and everything, they're billionaires.

43:59 And they have spent hundreds of millions of dollars to try to arrange a life that they enjoy and it doesn't fucking work. So they they actually have more power to make everything that they're doing exactly what they want to do. But it doesn't that doesn't work. It doesn't you know, find the The jet.

44:18 Or buying the island or Blah blah blah blah blah doesn't Do it. So Whereas if you really learn to enjoy what's in front of you All of a sudden one thing that happens is that you're not as scared of enjoyment. Like in

44:33 you start saying, Oh wow, enjoyment makes me really effective. And so I'm one to do the things that I enjoy. And so you're more likely to Do the things that you enjoy. Instead of having this story, I have to do X, Y, and Z so that at one point in the future I can do what I enjoy. And so that it's just an order of operations things. If you learn to do the thing you enjoy if you learn to enjoy the things that you're doing, you're gonna naturally start doing the things you enjoy. If you

44:57 Only do the things you enjoy, you will not learn how to enjoy what you're doing very well. So you show this tip of how can I enjoy this ten percent more? Just like ask yourself. How can I enjoy this ten percent more? Is there anything else that I find helpful for helping Oh, right now. How can I enjoy this now? It's not about changing anything. Yeah.

45:17 In the in the external world. Yeah. Got it. Like internally, what can I do? What can I change about the way I'm experiencing this? Yeah. Just or ha I like to ask it as how do you enjoy it ten percent more?'Cause if it's what can I change, then Then there's trying. Trying is usually not more enjoyment. It's actually usually Letting go of trying that creates more enjoyment. So it's a the phrasing is

45:38 It can can really make or break the question. No enjoy ten percent more. Yeah. So say someone's sitting in a boring meeting that's like a really It's like in their soul the they should ask themselves this question, how can I enjoy this ten percent more? Yeah, that w should but they can. They get to. It's a great experiment. It's an experiment. Okay. Perfect.

45:57 Yeah. The reason I do the should thing is that as soon as you say you should and then you don't, then you can fail. And if you fail Then you're less likely to try it again. That's why the the should just it it it ends up usually in stagnation. Should like if you If you like

46:17 Think about the way it feels in your body when you say, I should do something. There's like a stagnation. There's a Whereas if you say something like, Oh, I wanna do it, or here's an experiment I can do, or here's what I enjoy There's less stagnation, there's more movement. This touches on something else that you talk a lot about. We've kind of been circling around this idea of authenticity versus improvement. Where you help people realize that you are good as you are.

46:41 You don't need to necessarily improve. We've talked a lot about these sorts of things already, but just what else can you share there? Just how to help people learn this. Yeah, I mean my my favorite. Metaphor on this one is like at what time In the journey of an oak tree or is it perfect? Is it like when it's an acorn, when it's a

46:59 Sprout when it's Twenty years old. Forty years old. Hundred and fifty years old. Two hundred years old, depending on the oak tree.

47:08 Like when uh okay, now I'm perfect. Is it the idea is ridiculous. So it's a similar thing for us. So the idea that I need to improve myself. It it it

47:21 It really disturbs the natural process that's at hand, which is we evolve. We as human beings evolve. And if it's like oh I'm evolving and I can enjoy it and And I'm acting from my authenticity.

47:36 Then that's a very that has a lot of alacrity. That moves quick. If it's I need to improve. There's something wrong with me. I need to improve.

47:47 I should do it. That all goes really fucking slow. Right.'Cause it there's a lot of emotional stagnation in that. There's a lot of should, shame, there's a lot.

47:58 of stagnation in that. And so you don't actually get that natural flow of life. And so The Taoist talk about this is kind of like a river always finds It's way. It doesn't need like it just always goes in that direction. And so that's we are naturally

48:18 Evolving. Like that is our nature. And then two Put a whole bunch of shoulds and shit in in the way just Slows the process down. The other thing about authenticity that I I think is really important to

48:33 Is that If you're success, if you are one of the few people, I'd say 10, 15%, who can say, I should be this way, this way, and this way, and then you do it, which is very few people can actually do that. What Most people do is they say, I should do this, should do that, should do that, and then a decade later they're still saying they should do the same Things. But let's say you're one of those really successful people.

48:53 Then you have a life. For Not you. Then you have a life of who you think you should be, not for who you actually are. And so if you move from authenticity

49:05 Naturally certain things aren't gonna work, certain things are gonna work. Certain people are gonna work, certain people aren't gonna work, certain jobs are gonna work soon. But the ones that you end up with over time are gonna be the ones that are Right for you. Not right for who you think you should be.

49:19 Right. So if you sh uh the the most obvious of this is you Me um uh uh uh a woman. And you're like, Oh, this is how I should be for them to love me. And you're you you just do it. You just do everything that you think you should do to and then you get married and then they love, not you.

49:37 They love who you think you should be. They love they don't love who you are. And so what what what kind of marriage is that? As opposed to this is who I am, and I'm gonna be as genuine. I'm gonna show you all my parts. I'm gonna like be as genuine as I can with you. Then if if you if you do get married, you're married to the right person. You're married to the person who actually sees all that and loves that and wants that. How do you hold that idea with I also wanna get better. I wanna, you know, develop myself, I wanna feel my emotions more, those sorts of things.

50:08 I love the I want to. I the better part is kind of just uh gets a a little bit in the way. So right, yeah, we all want to Like a little kid. Wants to run faster. But

50:21 And they might want you get be a better runner. But the the part that they miss the reason that they develop so fucking quickly is because they don't think they're gonna be a better person if they run faster. It's the it's the idea is like, yeah, you have this natural want. That want is the thing that moves evolution. Like a plant. Is like Oh, there's sun, I want

50:43 to move in that direction. As compared to like I should. Both of them are human concepts, but the But the want Is like it's it's the thing that it's a what's allows us to know that's our evolutionary path. Oh, I have this want to be closer to people. Oh I

50:59 have this want for great sex. Oh, I w I have this want for being able to uh have a business that supports me. These are great wants and they they kind of show where Where the growth Mm.

51:13 is occurring or wants to occur. It's like that's our natural evolution. It's great. What what what makes it need to be better? What may what I want to be better? It just slows it down instead of It's like saying that what I am is broken and therefore the whole thing. Slows down. So I

51:29 I We try to word everything as You know, more in the experimental framework, but Also we try to word everything as like self. Awareness, self.

51:42 Experimentation self Discovery instead of self improvement. Because if you Understand the problem. Then the problem goes away.

51:53 So just Just explore it. Like just understand it as composed to making a list of things that you should do to get better that you will eventually fail. And then you'll just be stuck in this. should loop where you beat yourself up and Where most people hang out a lot. So the experiment here that I'm taking away is

52:13 Think more about Your want. Versus The should and then things you you think you need. Yeah.

52:19 It's okay. Yeah. 'Cause typically when you say I want to improve, it means The the subtext in that is Once I do X, Y, and Z, then I'm lovable. Once I do X, Y, and Z then I'm okay. Once I do X, Y, and Z I'll be

52:33 Were the Once I do X, Y, and Z I'll be enlightened. Whatever the fuck. The thing is And it's but that's just not how it works. You know, what works is the person who loves themselves.

52:45 Has loving relationships. It's not the person who's done X, Y, and Z so that they can be lovable has loving relationships. The people who do X, Y, and Z so they can be lovable, have relationships where people are critical and constantly trying to get Telling them that they have to be better. Coming back, you just said this interesting quote that you also shared at the beginning, this idea, once we understand the problem, it goes away.

53:06 Yeah. Let's make sure people understand what that means. Is it related to this idea once you feel like I'm an asshole? Okay. Then like oh okay, and then it starts to kinda fade away. Is that is that the core I just mean it practically. You know, it it's like can you really fulfill a problem if you don't understand the solution to it? I don't Yeah. So if

53:25 There's a principle and I can't remember the name of it. Like it's Dricklin Principle or something, but It's something that you that This CFO that I used to work with said Yeah. He would say like

53:37 Problems get solved if you spend time on them. Like if you just give attention enough attention to a problem, the problems will solve. Like that's That's the way it works. In business. An unsolvable problem, obviously. That's it's not gonna work that way, but

53:51 The reason that that works is because the more you spend time on a problem, the more you understand it. And another way I Love him or hate him. You know There one of them one of the things that Elon Musk has said that I I find

54:07 That I found it very valuable in my Time is that. If you really want to interview somebody And they claim that they've done something. You

54:17 Ask them like kinda six levels down. So you improved sales. How did you do that exactly? Well we improve the pipeline. Okay, how'd you do that exactly? Oh well, we made the pipeline more measurable by having things that could be very okay, yeah, and so How did you know what what were the seven

54:33 stages of the pipeline and what made you pick them. You go six levels down and you can really understand if somebody Was the person who solved the problem? Or if they're the person who Is claiming that they solved the problem. So it's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's if we just

54:49 Explore a problem enough, the solution is apparent. If we understand the problem enough, the solution is apparent. And so typically If we come to a problem with a uh a kid's mind wonder If we come to it like what it what could I learn here? What's exciting? What

55:08 What are the experiments I can run? then typically that's the most efficient way, enjoyable way to solve a problem. As compared to I have to get to this problem by c solo at this time and we're gonna do it this way and da da da like. Usually that doesn't work and it you know.

55:23 I could geek out on my That lets democracies Win over autocracies because They're far more experimental by nature, and it's not one person. saying how things are going, but it

55:36 Just generally that just we're more efficient when we're exploring. And so We're more efficient when we're exploring ourselves. And understanding ourselves and trying to improve ourselves. There's a couple more experiments I wanna help people try to run. When is

55:51 You have some really good advice around decision making and how emotions and getting better at understanding and working with your emotions helps you make better decisions. Can you talk about that? That's similar to what I said before, which is If you learn to fall in love with the emotional experiences then

56:06 You have more solution sets. So let's say I want to I want to have Like all human beings, I want to be a part of a great team. There's no no nobody has ever like raised their hand and said, I I'd like to be a part of a shitty team.

56:22 And yet Grand majority of people at their work right now. Have shitty teams or not A teams, not great teams. Even though nobody wants that. If one of the things you're unwilling to feel

56:34 Is That kinda that conflict, that tension, s as we talked about If you're conflict avoidant. You're you're not gonna be able to make an A team because there's Nothing that

56:46 is alive doesn't require tension. A cell requires tension. Breathing requires tension, playing pickleball requires tension. A good team requires tension. So if you're if you're gonna avoid that experience, you're not gonna be as easily, if at all, be able to create a an a quality team. So To be able to

57:07 expi to be able to look forward to any emotional experience. creates more and more solution sets for us, more and more option optionality. So in in creating a great team, for instance You m you need to be good with people hating you. You need to be good with drawing boundaries and having people upset. you need to be able to have high expectations, even if somebody's just you have to be okay with somebody being disappointed with themselves. You have to be okay disap being disappointed with yourself. All these emotional experiences have to

57:36 have to be available to you if you're gonna find the solutions to make. an A quality team. And so The more you can fall in love with each emotional experience. the more you have and then the clearer the decision making gets. So that's one thing for making great decisions. The other one that's I find really

57:56 really useful and very hard to execute on to you really understand it is creating the set of principles to live by. So We all have a set of principles to live by that we're we're doing it, right? So For a lot of people those principles are um

58:16 You know Uh, what do I have to do to get likes on Facebook? What do I have to do to like I'm gonna do whatever it uh I'm gonna make a decision based on getting likes on Facebook. I'm gonna make decisions based on Whatever it is. Um It

58:32 pretending that I want to get wealthy or trying to get wealthy, or there's a series of things. But if you Really take a look at what it is you're making your decisions on and then Really think about. Mm. What would be the

58:44 Five or six things that if I made decisions With these principles, I'm guaranteed success. And then experiment with them and then refine those principles. principles and then experiment with them. And then there'll be these moments where your You don't wanna do it, but those are your principles, so you're gonna go and do it.

59:03 So as an example for this, um One of the One of the principles that I live by is embrace intensity. So it's not create intensity, it's embrace intensity. It means that

59:16 Right now, any moment in my body. For instance, there's gonna be a a sensation that's more intense. How do I welcome that sensation? At any moment. in running my business, there's gonna be something that we don't wanna talk about.

59:31 How do I How do we lean in and talk about that? I don't you know, and so we start all of our meetings with uh what are you scared to say. Well in our business. What are you scared to say? It's one of not all of our meetings, but some of our meetings are started with what

59:46 What are you scared to say? Because we want to embrace that intensity because we know that if we lean into the thing that we're trying to avoid, our life is going to get better, our business is going to get better. And so If you can Make Light if you can

1:00:00 See what those principles are for you and then run experiments to see if they work. And then refine them every once in a while. And so Because of that, because of that embrace intensity. If somebody comes to me and says

1:00:15 You're fucking up this business, you're doing it all wrong. I don't have to think about what I'm gonna do. I'm like, Oh cool, tell me what I'm missing. It's gonna it's gonna be immediate. Because

1:00:28 I I live this way. Whether I I don't maybe I don't want to hear it. Maybe I'm like I'm having a bad day. Whatever it is. Maybe I'll say, Hey, I wanna hear you, give me I'm not I'm not able to give me You know, a day and I'll come back to you. But All of a sudden my decisions get made automatically.

1:00:43 If I live by a set of principles. And that I've very effective. I find very effective living by a set of principles. For someone that wants to Create their own set of principles. Is there a guide you have? Is there any advice for how to actually go about starting this list, putting it together?

1:00:58 We have a decisions course, which is all like a large part of it is about how to do that. The It's a difficult one to explain because there's a lot of nuance in it. Just as a for instance, one of the nuances is defining the principles not just by what it is, but what it isn't, is a really significant a very minor thing, but it ends up being incredibly major

1:01:22 But if you're gonna do your set of principles and you wanna do them on your own, the Main thing I would say is keep it to five. I wouldn't even do six. I don't do six, but I keep it to five. And And I would

1:01:36 Test each one of them. For like five days. So make your principal and then See if it works for you for like five days and then do the You know, and keep on experimenting till you find five.

1:01:48 And when you look at those five and you say, If I do that, if I live by those principles, I am Just Almost a hundred, if not a hundred percent confident that That's gonna create the life I want if I live by those principles. Then you have a a really good start.

1:02:03 And and Make'em. Simple. Yeah, like mine mine are things like embrace intensity or connection first or everything's in iteration. All these the things that I if as soon as I live by them things.

1:02:17 Work. Company works. Amazing. And we'll point folks to that course if they wanna Take it themselves. Cool. It's only it's only once a year, so it's a it's a rare one. When is the next one?

1:02:29 January. Okay. Not too far away. Professor. So uh again, the two pieces of advice you shared and that's are experiments that we can run to help become better decision makers. One is create a list of life principles and there's a course that will point people to to take that the other is

1:02:45 The thing you keep coming back to over and over and over, this idea of falling in love with your emotions. Yeah. Embracing your emotions, welcoming your emotions. Yeah. There's also I know you do a lot of work with teams. I imagine there's very similar advice for how to help your team be more effective. Principles, I imagine, is a part of it. We've run principals for teams, yeah.

1:03:04 Yeah. That's one of them. It seems to be more effective that we have a lot of Mm-hmm. I mean I think I have like At this point I have twelve things that I'll go into a company and

1:03:15 and do with a company. So So typically w the way I do I like to do it is I will go in and I will Talk to some like I'll talk to the leader typically and they'll say this is what I want. And then I I really want to assess like typically if

1:03:32 the person who um is cr you know, a big part of creating the problem has a hard time Seeing the way through the problem or they Th it wouldn't have been created generally. And we all we uh this is not

1:03:44 Demeaning any leader. We all have these issues. So usually what I like to do is I like to go in and I like to The Talk to three or four people, see what, you know. their perspective, not just the leader's perspective. And then I like to sit in in a meeting or two and just see actually what the dynamic is.

1:04:02 And one of the One of the things I like to say about how to change a company is that the atomic structure of a company is the meetings and the decisions. So It's particularly true in Silicon Valley.

1:04:17 Um, but it's really true in all businesses that All we are as a company is a uh group of people's relationships and ideas. That's it. Like Especially like Amazon, like what you got a couple

1:04:30 Buildings and Some servers. There's not you know, there's like not a lot of hardware there and they wouldn't be useful without the people anyways. Anybody whether you're running a farm or a shoe factory or it's g anybody successful is going to tell you it's all about the people. And so the atomic structure is What are our meetings like?

1:04:49 And what What are how do we make decisions? And so I'll just really pay attention to a meeting. And one of the things we do is We talk about

1:05:00 what we call five star meetings, which is how do you make every meeting Enjoyable. It's literally like how is it that everybody when they walk out of a meeting, they're like Oh fuck, I love that was great. As it turns out we've all been in meetings that are like hard as shit. And we've walked out and got, Oh, those are great meetings.

1:05:17 And we've all been in meetings where like nothing happens and we're like, Oh God, fuck another one to like just drive a nail through my head. I don't wanna sit there. So So what what's required to make every one of your meetings five stars? And if you do that. That that's one of the things we'll do inside of a company is like work with them to figure that out.

1:05:38 If you do that, every single problem with your company will come to the surface. Every single one of them. I had ten five star meetings, but these two meetings sucked. That tells me exactly where we need to focus as a company. That tells me exactly where to look for the problem that's happening.

1:05:57 And so it's like this and it's the same thing with decisions. If you really start unpacking. how the decisions are made, where people are frustrated in the decision making process, you're gonna find exactly the problems in the company. An example of this I was w working with a Um a a friend and he's a

1:06:16 He's a content person and he And we were We were just talking about It how do you make every one of your meetings a five star meeting? He's like, Okay, great.

1:06:26 I got that exact. Yeah, I'm never gonna do this. I was like, really, tell me why he's My YouTube meetings fucking suck. You know, he that's not where he makes most of his money, but like The YouTube meetings suck they're never gonna

1:06:38 get better. And luckily there's a couple other people around at the time. And everyone's like, no, like I love my YouTube meetings. What do you mean? Like how could this not work for you? And And so he He noticed like oh I like the team did didn't the the content, none of it was working for him, none of it was him. He was just like uh And so he changed it. He was like, Okay, I'm gonna commit to that. I'm gonna see what it's like for me to just say Every one of my YouTube meetings have to be something that's super enjoyable to me.

1:07:06 And When he did it. Like his YouTube Numbers went off the charts and Like a very short period of time.

1:07:13 It's just that it's just that common. Like wherever the meeting is that sucks, it means there's something else that's a problem that needs to be worked on. So that's that's typically how I can just look at usually sit in any team meeting and see at least three or four of the major problems that are happening in the company.

1:07:29 Such a cool way of thinking about it. Where to focus decision making meetings. And I love that the story comes back to something you shared earlier with the more you enjoy something, the more Uh Which way there is, the better it's gonna go anyway.

1:07:41 And so the more you can find those moments and make things enjoyable. the better. You have to and the other cool thing is like most of the executives or the CEOs that I've worked with, when they Get to a point. And it usually takes them like We always have the goal of a month. It usually takes two months to make sure every one of their meetings is five star meetings. And once they've done that, then it's like how do you make sure all of your teams have five star meetings?

1:08:05 But if you Usually it's like within two months and they they usually have half the amount of meetings at the end of it. half the amount of meetings in their companies are more effective. It's it's an incredible tool. Mm. Yeah, I could see why people enjoy that, uh if you were meeting as well.

1:08:22 Mm-hmm. Is there anything more along those lines? Before we start to close out our conversation, either around teams or Decision making. I'll say for anybody who's a

1:08:32 uh you know, running a team. Um, Harvard's got a couple of these, but we used to do these tiny pulses. As a V C like one of one of the strategies that was really effective that I saw very few VCs doing was I would want these like pulse I would like to read the pulse of teams by with these like short surveys and stuff and And It was the most effective way of

1:08:58 Not very happy, didn't want to come to work on Monday. They weren't gonna make their numbers. Like the likelihood of them making their numbers is like going down. So there was this. Interesting thing that just about how You know, Drecker, I think said it first and then N

1:09:14 The virgin guy, uh Branson. Branson said it he's like culture eat strategy for breakfast or some such But If that's true, then it's measurable and it can be a leading indicator and it it absolutely is. Like if you really Have you really

1:09:30 pay attention to The culture on a team by team basis. It's an amazing Very effective way to drive results, but also a very effective way to

1:09:41 to know when bad results are coming. Yeah, and what's what's interesting to me is most people feel like they they can't control the culture. Like most people feel like most people I notice they feel like, you know, I I'm it's more likely for me to hear from a CEO. God damn it, like

1:09:59 Everybody agrees when I get out of the table, when I get off the t everyone's like, Yeah, we're gonna do it, and then they don't do it. Why aren't they fucking doing it? Is more is I'm gonna hear that more often than I'm gonna hear a CEO say Oh wow, I I you know I really noticed that. The way the email system

1:10:17 was working in our company, we were disempowering people by not requiring an action after every you know, like I'm gonna hear more complaints about why shit isn't working than I'm gonna hear about s strategies, like very gentle, simple strategies to to change the culture. And so it's an amazing thing to me that it's it's so powerful and yet people feel so out of control with it. To give people something they can do, say today or tomorrow. to work on a lot of these things we've been talking about. Is there just like one thing you recommend that basically everyone

1:10:49 should try to experiment with in the next day. Couple days or weeks just to Uh Help them Be better and more successful and happier.

1:10:59 So I would do Uh Seven minutes? Not No less than seven minutes. You can do more than seven minutes, but seven minutes of gratitude with another person.

1:11:11 Every day. But it can't be I'm grateful for this. I'm grateful for this. I'm grateful for this. It has to be Feeling the gratitude and then seeing what comes out. When you're coming from the

1:11:25 felt sense of gratitude. And doing it back and forth. And so you're savouring the gratit the experience of gratitude. And you're going back and forth with another human being. So

1:11:37 Cop, mom, dad, sister, brother. business partner friend. And every day. Just Express gratitude back and forth for seven minutes.

1:11:47 coming from the feeling, not from the Not from the thought. And if you have a full body sensation of gratitude and you experience that for seven minutes a day, it it'll change your life dramatically really quickly. Really, really quickly. Wow, I already feel it.

1:12:04 And the practice is you are Expressing gratitude to the person you're with. It can be gratitude for anything in your life. And as a matter of fact, uh I would say do it for a couple of weeks and then do it on the places where you feel lack. That's like Though That's where the superpower comes in. So

1:12:21 You know, I was in my own personal life, I was uh meditating for like I spent like seven or eight hours a day meditating for Like years. And so you but you can imagine I didn't have a lot of money, so I was like I I was

1:12:36 So the way I'm the joke I used to make is I would Meditate and worry about money most of my day. And uh It's funny, but it's truth. And um

1:12:47 And One day I was like Thinking about money and Thinking I was driving in my car and I was Thinking about this billionaire I knew.

1:12:57 And I was thinking about how I didn't have enough. And then I thought, Oh, this billionaire doesn't think they have enough either. I know them well enough. I'm like, Oh, I'm I have the experience of a billionaire right now. That was my I was like I don't know, but He's probably driving in a car somewhere thinking he doesn't have enough and I'm driving in a car somewhere thinking I don't have enough. This is great. Like I'm a billionaire. And um

1:13:20 And it tickled me, the idea tickled me and then I was like, Well what what what happens if I start focusing on Everything I do have instead of focusing and what I don't have, which is where the gratitude practice came from. And so my wife and I would sit Every day and just

1:13:34 Be grateful for all the physical stuff that we had. And how we are living. fifteen year old year cars, we were like we had no money. Yeah, I was in debt. has in like a big forty thousand dollars in credit card debt or some crazy shit.

1:13:50 And uh and we just did it and Literally, what is it, three months later? My credit card was debt was gone six months later. I had sixty thousand dollars in the bank. Um I I I like

1:14:03 Yeah. Entire life changed because I no longer defined myself by Somebody who didn't have, I defined myself as somebody who did have. And so all of a sudden I could look out the window and it wasn't

1:14:16 Oh shit, I can't have that. I can't have that. I can't have that. I'd look out the window and say, somebody made money on that. Somebody made money on that. Every fucking thing I looked at, somebody made money on. the s twenty people, twenty companies made money on the fucking lamp post. The person who installed it, the energy company, the rubber company, like there's just holy crap, it's all over the place. And then in that definition, all of a sudden it became really Clear.

1:14:40 Oh. And so it doesn't matter if the thing that you feel like you lack is time, or the thing that you feel like you lack is love, or the thing that you feel like you lack is Money. If you can really do a gratitude practice on the thing that you lack, that's the that there's a superpower in that one. It changes everything. Do you still do this?

1:14:59 Uh Hey. I do gratitude, yes. Do I do gratitude on stuff I lack? I don't ha really have an experience of lack. That's not really. You still do those gratitude uh seven verse. Yeah. But like that that's like asking if I still have sex. Like why would I give that up? It feels great.

1:15:16 Okay, so just to be clear, uh you find someone seven minutes every morning probably think about things you're grateful for and share back. Focus not on your intellectual think you're grateful for but just like what's coming out of your Emotional body. Yeah, feel the gratitude. Let the gratitude of gratitude speak rather than your mind. Wow.

1:15:34 Yeah. Joe and You get the felt sense of it. Joe, I'm incredibly grateful for you. I really appreciate you sharing uh so many experiments for people to run. I think that's gonna make a real impact on a lot of people's lives. Two final questions. Where can folks find your courses? I know you have a podcast. Where can folks find the stuff that you do online? And then

1:15:53 How can listeners be useful to you? First of all, uh uh Art of Accomplishment, uh the podcast. It's Art of Accomplishment with Brad Kissler and Joe Hudson, I think. And then art of accomplishment. Uh

1:16:04 The website. We'll show you where all the courses are. It'll give you a whole bunch of experiments you can run. There's all sorts of like really great information there. The other thing is uh that we just mentioned also is just the

1:16:17 Mm. We really want you to make sure we really want to make sure that you think that the courses are for you. The the courses are the way we do courses is that It's a very felt experience thing. It's not intellectual at all. It's really in your body and What the way we like doing it is that you bring real problems that you're having and you use the tools that we teach you for the

1:16:37 And the foundational course for that is called the connection course. So if you wanna get into it. Go to the connection course. to find out if it's right for you. If you're not all already know that it's right for you, do We do these little hour and a half free

1:16:52 workshops and then it'll give you a taste of what it is that we do because it's Unlike anything that's going on out there, that it's It's Yeah, people do and they're like, What the hell was that? It's just a completely different thing. It's not like learning in the normal way. You literally

1:17:08 sit down with another person and run experiments face to face with how you're being in the moment. And so you learn all this stuff through direct experimentation. And so if you find out it's right for you, you can do it through these workshops and I'm sure there'll be a place where they can Find out where where to go for that.

1:17:27 And there's one coming up. In September. Yeah, the con the connection course is coming up in September. And so uh that would be it's a great place to start. It's foundational for everything else we do. Oh, and then how can listeners be useful to you? I want my children to grow up in a Fantastic world.

1:17:44 And The best way that that can happen is that if the people listening to this Discover Who they are. And their nature and

1:17:55 The truth of Of how they operate. Not For them, but for their children. And their children's children.

1:18:02 So you wanna do me a favor and make my daughter's worlds a better place. Well. Yeah, I also just had a son and so I totally resonate with that. Yeah. Joe, thank you so much for being here. What an amazing

1:18:16 Podcast episode this ended up being as I expected. Pleasure. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it, Lenny. Bye, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. If you found this valuable, you can subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app. Also, please consider giving us a rating or leaving a review, as that really helps other listeners find the podcast.

1:18:38 You can find all past episodes or learn more about the show. at Lenny's podcast dot com. See you in the next episode.

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